5.10 year old ds1 is a compulsive eater and I feel like i'm failing him

[fattybum]

I've posted about this issue before, but i've just had two days in a row of awful eating experiences with ds1. We had our spring fair at school yesterday, and because I was helping out ds1 and 2 just had to get on with it. This is okay, apart from the fact that friend's parents end up giving them food. Now, I wouldn't mind this if ds1 was like ds2 ie a normal eater, but he's not. He will literally eat and eat and eat, and doesn't seem to have an off switch.

We have just come back from a birthday party and I feel like crying. I feel totally out of control of the situation and that i'm giving ds1 future food issues, but I don't know how else to deal with it. He will spend the entire time at a party going back for more food, despite the fact that he's told me his belly's hurting. He knows that it's an "issue" because he looks at me guiltily and says things like "I don't want to get fat". I have said to him that if he keeps eating the way he does he will end up fat and unhealthy. I do try to stay away from talking about getting fat and more about health, but I end up getting so frustrated and scared that I do say he will get fat.

Please don't tell me what an awful mother I am, I am trying so hard to not make food an issue, but how can it not be when he will stand at the food table whilst everyone else have long lost interest and are playing. This is not just an issue at events and parties, by the way, even at home he tends to ask for food too often.

Please tell me what to do to make things better. Will it get better? What have I done to create this problem, or is it just the way he is?

Thanks

Can you give more details about his entire relationship with food?

Are there parts of his diet that are restricted?

What are meal times like?

Have you seen a doctor about this?

Agree you need outside help GP good place to start

There is a rare syndrome where some people don't have an "off switch" when eating. I agree that a visit to the GP is in order.

Well, he loves food and always has. Loves crisps, chocolate, cake etc, but also will eat fruit, veg, unusual food that most kids won't try.

Nothing is restricted, just limited to what I consider a healthy amount. They don't have free reign, but they get to have things like crisps, sweets, chips maybe once a day eg one day they might have crisps, the next day they may get to have a lollipop or something. I feel much more able to let ds2 dictate his own eating because he STOPS sometimes. Ds1 never skips a meal or says he's not hungry. He rarely leaves anything on his plate, unless it really isn't something he likes.

Meal times he eats what ever he is given very quickly, too quickly really. He doesn't even give time to chew in my opinion. Me and dh have been trying to teach him to chew so that he doesn't get a bellyache/indigestion but he always forgets. It's like he can't control himself, it is literally a compulsion to get the food inside him.

Haven't seen a doctor, but have certainly thought about it, but family members always tell me some children are like this, it's normal, i've just got to control his intake etc, but I just want HIM to have some self control. I really fear for him, that he's on the road to obesity. I do tell him that I won't always be there to control him, and he needs to stop eating when he is full. don't know what to do.

If it's prader willis you mean, it's not that. I have looked into it, and it comes with lots of other symptons. Other than being very greedy, he is typical.

Please see your GP

This sounds stressful OP.

I notice your own user name is 'fattybum' and I wondered what your own relationship with food is like as that is quite a harsh thing to call yourself. Could he be picking up some issues with your own weight?

How old is he? Our DC1 ate and ate and ate last year and filled out as a result - but he has also gone upwards, so is looking like the 10 year old that he should do. Is your son overweight now, or are you just worried that he will be?

I think you should go to your GP, push hard for help, ask for a referral to a dietician/nutritionist also as well as checking possible physical causes. The "compulsion" aspect you mentioned is worrying at such a young age. it could be a combination of physical and psychological issues, but I would say def warrants investigation as you are posting, I assume, because you need help.

Off the cuff but a friends daughter appeared to have some kind of food compulsion, but after a really good investigation by their GP it was identified as a thyroid problem, once she got on the right medication, no more over eating. Just one anecdote but there could be many many reasons for this.

Until he was about three, I was really pleased he was such a good eater, I also don't think it was so bad then. I used to be quite free with food, because I was under the false impression that toddlers will stop when they have had enough. But I started to worry when he got to about three because I could see that he would keep asking for food when he couldn't be hungry.

He wakes up before us in the morning and gets a snack eg ricecakes, yogurt or fruit. When I come down he immediately asks for breakfast, before saying morning or anything. He used to ask for something after that as well, but has obviously gotten used to the answer being no. When he comes out of school he immediately asks for food. Now, this might all sound normal, but it's the fact that he never doesn't ask, iyswim. When he had his sports day, he actually ran over to tell me he was hungry even though he'd had a big lunch less than an hour before. It's like it doesn't matter what exciting things are going on, he still thinks about food.

He is also an active, happy, inquisitive, bright boy, but this stuff really is an issue and gets me down regularly.

My DD is a similar age and eats like that, and is slim, I think they are just using a lot of energy at this age.

Some days she doesn't stop eating from morning til night, not a pick of fat on her either.

I wouldn't say I have food issues. I love food also, tend to overeat sometimes, but still a healthy weight and know when to stop. The name fattybum was just because the one I wanted was already taken, and it's not in a derogatory way, more like "eh, fatty bum bum" if you know what I mean!

He's not overweight, but is definitely at the heavier end of healthy. When he was weighed in reception, I was concerned that it would come back as slightly overweight, so I was relieved when he turned out not to be, but he still has a big round belly like a two year old, and if I wasn't vigilant he would be overweight.

It makes me so sad when I can see all the other children, including ds2, having a lovely time whilst ds1 just wants to eat. I feel that he is missing out. That's not to say he doesn't also play and enjoy himself, but I think food is an obsession for him.

See, if he was slimmer, I would be less worried, but I can see that he is not that slim, although to be honest, he seems to be slim all over apart from his protruding belly! Must be all the beer he's been drinking!

My dm response to this is "everybody's got their cross to bear, you've just got to get on with it". I actually feel close to a break down because of it sometimes, how can I just get on with it? I think she just thinks I'm easily negative, but it's not only myself i'm worried about. She tells me not to worry about the future, how can I not worry about his future health and happiness?

Does he eat a lot of wheat? That could be causing the big tummy and if that and say, fruit form a large part of his diet they could be causing him to never feel satisfied and crave more and more food.
What does a typical day of food look like for him? Maybe instead of the carby snack on waking could you give him something really substantial with plenty of fat and protein like eggs with some bacon, sausage or cheese and even a smoothie made with full fat yogurt or cream and berries?

He doesn't eat that much fruit, say one or two pieces a day at most. We eat quite a lot of wheat, but i did think that could be causing the big belly, so cut it out for three weeks about six months ago, and it made no difference.

He doesn't just have the snack in the morning, that's just what he has before I make him breakfast. He usually has either muesli, with nuts in it, or porridge, which has milk for protein. I really don't believe it's hunger. He just seems to have food on the brain. Each time he finishes something, say having a bath, watching a programme on telly, he often immediately asks for something to eat, as if that's just the activity to do next.

I might just have to take him to the doctors.

Why don't you say no?

I do say no! I say no often, and stick to it even if that means a strop from him. Believe me, if I wasn't saying no, he'd be overweight. My main problem isn't day to day life, because i'm pretty much in control of what he eats, it's at parties when the food is freely available. What do I do, say you can only have one plate while all the other children are free to use their own judgement. Or when we are with friends and they offer him stuff and he says yes to everything even though he may have eaten plenty already. Its okay when it's just us, it's other people that are the problem! They don't realise that he's not like their children, who seem to know when to stop. I just want to take him into situations with food without him gorging to a ridiculous degree!

He's probably old enough to understand that he can only have one plate in a social situation, that he needs help judging what is sensible. You can be friendly about this and then do a pantomime distraction technique maybe? Plus I guess be prepared to remove him if needed. Sounds tough for you though x

It's OK to say no, even in social situations.

Stuff what other people might think, or are giving their children - you can say "No, DS, you have had one plate of food and you can't have any more".

And be straight with other adults - tell them not to give your DS food, or to give in to his demands for more. You will have to hover around him, and probably watch him more closely than you otherwise would but it's in his interest for you to monitor his intake if he can't or won't.

I find it quite easy to do but my DD has Prader-Willi Syndrome, and regulating food is a way of life for us.

And yes, you should take him to the GP. I think that level of appetite, food obsession and food seeking is not normal in a child of that age. He's only 5 - food shouldn't be dominating his life like that.

Sorry, I did understand that he doesn't just have the snack but starting the day with something carby (and those breakfasts are carb heavy too-milk has a lot of carbs) can often lead to feeling unsatisfied and hungry all day. But if you don't think it is that anyway then I guess it's irrelevant.

Reducing sugar intake in the morning may help to reduce the cravings (ie. chocolate milk, cereals with sugar added, cakes, and white bread)

Have you checked his BMI? The NHS has a calculator here.

His obsession with food would concern me, especially if his BMI is on the high side. Ds is 7 and eats lots some days and nearly nothing other days.