Please help I'm desperate, violent 9 year old girl

[emsiewill]

Yet again I'm back with problems with my dd1 (although admittedly, I've not been around for ages).
She has always been volatile, and we've always had a fiery relationship, but lately she has become extremely violent when wound up or angry.
An example is what happened about an hour ago. We were playing on the playstation, and it froze mid game (v annoying) dd2 screamed (also v annoying), so dd1 hit her. When I told her off, and turned the playstation off (only option to make it work again), she threw the remote control across the room, and this escalated into her throwing 2 shoes at me, kicking me and pulling my hair.
This is not unusual lately. I generally react by telling her that violence is not acceptable, and sending her to her room. She refuses to go, so I try and force her, this escalates into more violence, and it all gets worse and worse.
I know that the vicious circle we're in is no good, and she see me marching her to her room (and I have to be quite forceful as she's not that much smaller than me) as me using violence on her which inflames her even more. However, I can't ignore the violence, it is too extreme.
I do use other punishments (we were meant to go shopping together last week, which I cancelled due to a violent outburst, and today I've told her she can't go on the playstation tomorrow), but I need to know how to deal with the violence when it happens without it escalating as it always does. I can't just ignore it, it's too extreme for that.
She told me earlier in the week that she's having trouble at school with one of her group of friends, which I think may be contributing to her volatility, and we have talked about how we're going to deal with this (I will go and see her teacher if it gets any worse). I'm trying to spend one to one time with her, praise her when she's good etc, but it doesn't seem to be having much effect. As soon as she gets angry, she hits out and it all starts again.
I feel so down about this, it must be my fault, I feel she must be learning her reactions from me (although I don't use violence like this, I hasten to add). I know that the way I'm dealing with it isn't working, but as I say I just cannot ignore it, the violence is too extreme.
Has anyone got any advice, or been in this situation?

Shocked and amazed by DC's post, and how you can possibly think that such actions will lead the way to a harmonious and loving future relationship? Any relationship will be based on fear and resentment and that's not a healthy basis for a parent/child bond. Children follow examples, this is showing the child that is's OK to menace and threaten people, to use 'thugs' to enforce your will and to abuse a position of power. What kind of an example is that?

sorry cant offer much advice but am truely shocked and dismayed by DC's posts, i truely hope they were wind ups!

Hi Emsie, this all sounds very familiar to me. There's something built into even the most non-violent games on playstation (they're designed to frustrate you so that you'll carry on playing them)that sends my ds1 crazy everytime we have to turn it off.
We recently put up a big sign on our fridge which says 'Family Challenge: can you go to bed each night and say when that thing happened I didn't do anything to make the situation WORSE.' This is as much a test for me and dh as for the kids! I also find that when my ds1 has blown up violently, I have to consciously take deep breaths and stand my ground and let it blow over in front of me otherwise I'll blow my top too . .
Tried new tactic of saying to ds1 the other night, as he was screaming and stomping about something, 'erm, this is a bit embarassing isn't it?' and, because it was, because it was about nothing, he stopped much more quickly than if I'd allowed myself to get caught up in the drama. Does this make sense?

emsiewill

Deep, deep sympathy

We have a similar situation here with DS1 who is 6- today ds2 has gone to school with the remnants of a black eye and bite marks on his thighs . Obv our situation is more violent but I suspect the feelings of loss of control are the same.

I wish I could offer a solution but apart from the punishment etc youa re doing it's hard. I suspect like me youa re very worried about giving dd1 the impression you don't love her- I certainbly worry about that with my ds1.

All I can do when things kick off is to concern myself with safety, ds1 goes upstairs (If dh is about- I can't carry him when he's having a wobbly) and I will sit agianst his door if I hve to until he calms down.

All I can suggest is to give her so much love when she is behaving that the removal of it for the moements she is not is mroe dramtic.

XX

Hi emsiewill - can't offer any better advice than you've received here. My only thought is what is her diet like? Is there any crap that could be cut out a bit? Not suggesting you feed your kids crap at all but had a horrible night last summer on "holiday" (one night in Wales) and am sure it was down to od'ing on candy floss.

Also, am like Cam and am getting teh requests for a Gameboy/Playstation because "everyone" has one...

emsi, have you investigated the ADHD route?

your dd sounds a bit like my brother, who was ADHD. Apologies if you have posted on this before.

emsiewill, not sure I can contribute anything which will help, just wanted you to know that you are not on your own. I have been having similar problems with dd who is 6yrs old. But fingers crossed the past two weeks have been great since I started spending half an hour on my own with her each night before bed. I know this must be harder with 2 children, but I don't get home till 6pm and her bedtime is normally 7pm so can be quite hard to fit in sometimes. Since though her behaviour has improved dramatically at school which is where the problem was. Hope you sort something out