Help - my boys are driving me mad

[Whizkidwithacrazystreak]

I have two boys DS1 (4.4yrs) DS2 (3.2yrs) - so they are 14 months apart.

1. We've had issues with DS2 where he refused help/assistance from DH. We've solved this by DH spending more time with him and it has worked tremendously.

1. DS1 used to get all DHs attention and it appears he has regressed with appalling behaviour ever since DH has made an effort to bond with DS2.

1. DS1 who has always been generally caring and kind is now a brat who wants to destroy things and says that he wants to break things (car, glasses or anything that he knows would upset us). Unfortunately this behaviour has been seen at nursery as he refuses to listen and take instructions and I've had to sign the 'incident' book at least 4 times.

1. Today he was sulking under a table at pick up time and when asked about the problem it became apparent he was 'cross' with the teachers as he didn't get a birthday pack of chocolate stars because he refused to come in from the scheduled outdoor play area. I later reinforced that he has to listen to the teachers and do as they ask.

1. He also ran out of the playground today and walked out of the park to get to the car. I had to leave DS2 to run after him.

I feel like they like the idea of one of them being in trouble so then the other behaves really well. They do compete for attention and fight a lot and it is so very draining.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle two little boys as I feel like I am not parenting/coping well at all????

Hi Whizkidwithacrazystreak,

Sorry to hear of your problems... IMO they are surprisingly common.

I am putting together some guides on 'how parents can support children's learning' and I found I unexpectedly had to cover the topic of 'discipline' since lack of it can effect children's learning success. I hope these notes help you...

Parents tend to draw their discipline strategies from their own experiences - unsurprisingly. Add to this a good does of guilt and improved standards of living - we don't want to/ are out of the habit of saying "no" to our children.

For mother and father this can result in a lack of a unified policy (or 'clear boundries') of acceptable behaviour for the child. As we move from thinking our children as not capable of doing anything 'bad', bad behaviour naturally creeps up on us unexpectedly - why should our children show such lack of care for us when our world revolves around them?!

But it's natural for children to test the water with new behaviour (good and bad) and we have to give them clear messages about what's acceptable. 'Generally' I find Dads to be more strict (eg I'll tell him off severely now so they wont repeat) and Mums (with a more short term focus 'tend' to want to stop tears now at any cost) I think this is natural. BTW I've also seen this reversed or even when neither mum or dad being the strict one - that's when I've seen the kind of situation you describe - is that your situation?

I think the answer is to look outward for help in the form of books & friends for advice. I don't know how but I could get you my notes on what I am calling 'smart discipline' strategies. IMO the fact that you are looking for this help means you CAN solve it - it will take a joint effort from Mum and Dad and there will be blips but the prize of a (mostly) happy home will be worth it :) A home needs to be a haven from stress (most of the time), this problem will sap your energy and patience for each other etc etc - very common again.

My kids are now 8 and 13 and I've only had to tell them off badly a handful of times - but when I did they knew it was serious from my body language etc. My trick is I PRETEND to be more angry than I am so I am always in full control. ...But don't get the impression that it's been a walk in the park - it has not - but it was compared to those who looked like your situation.

I hope you don't think I am being critical of you - I am not, I just wanted to help by being honest about what I've found.

Was this helpful ?

DS 1 and DS 2 are 20 months apart and up until a couple of months ago fought oAds and were quite competitive. They just seemed to turn a corner and now play together and get on really well. The behaviour you describe is all normal IME, I.e. running off and not accepting when not rewarded. I found DS1 worse for this than DS2 then realised life has had to change alot for DS1. Experts would also ask you whether or not they are getting quality attention from you. Perhaps coincidentally I stopped putting on the telly through the day and made sure I actually DID stuff with them when DS3 was sleeping and it was at that point things changed. BUT I'm not convinced it didn't just happen of its own accord. I noticed how much better they were after spending time with my mum, who never raises her voice and always has them doing endless activities/crafts etc and decided to "copy" her approach more. I'm not telling you what to do, these are just suggestions that seemed to improve our similar- sounding situation. I also found any running -off situations were better if I made clear on the car or wherever beforehand what was expected of them and got them to say WHY they should stay near etc. sorry if this is rambling, am b'feeding at same time. Hope it's of some use!

Thank you both for your comments. Both are really useful to me.

Dad is the stricter parent and yes, I do tend to micro manage disasters and try to avoid them at all costs. I don't want to yell and be the crazy mad lady and I do know that they respond better to a firm/calm mum so I'll try really hard in future to stay in control.

I would like to spend more time with them however am the primary carer as well as working from home and find the balance difficult to achieve. However, this year I have given myself stricter guidelines and set boundaries in place for my work and their play time. I've just come back from Tesco with a huge bucket of arts/crafts materials to keep us busy over the holidays and I've got a fab reward chart coming that I can use to reward good behaviour (I've bought some of their favourite toys which I can drip feed).

I had calm words with DS1 last night about the dangers of running off and told him about kid nappers. He was rather sweet and said that he would never take sweets from someone he didn't know (however, I'm not convinced. He's an overly friendly boy to strangers which is a concern).

DS3 dropped his daytime sleep a long time ago so it's go go go all the time.

Thanks again and I hope we survive the holidays together.....