My nearly 5 year old dd is driving me crazy....

[Earlybird]

DD has been pretty unbearable the past few days. She's demanding, defiant, imperious, stubborn, unappreciative of anything done for her (even special things) and cannot follow a simple instruction. Either I must ask multiple times in order to get a response/action, must raise my voice, or get endless arguments. She doesn't want to get dressed, she wants to put on completely unsuitable clothes, she doesn't want to brush teeth/comb hair/wear a coat/wear mittens, tidy up, etc etc etc.

Almost every meal she says "I don't want that, I don't like that" just as the plate is put in front of her. She and a friend were taken out to a softplay centre as a special playdate, and instead of being thrilled with the special activity, she whined and cried bitterly when it was time to go (even after multiple "almost time to go" advance warnings).

Everything I ask/tell is met with a "no". Sometimes just a flat, defiant no and sometimes an argument. I want her to express opinions and know what she wants, but I also don't expect an argument/discussion on every single thing.

Finally, today I'd had enough when she started arguing/whining when I told her she couldn't wear her bulky fairy wings under her winter coat (we were getting ready to go to a birthday party). I got right in dd's face today, and said in a loud, angry voice, through gritted teeth "stop arguing with everything I say". Unsurprisingly, she immediately burst into tears.

Of course, I've felt guilty ever since....think I should have handled things differently so that they didn't escalate to that point. But, my goodness, she would have tried the patience of a saint today.

This is mostly a vent, but would love to hear if others are experiencing this too, and if you've found an effective way to deal with it. She was playing quietly tonight and said "I don't want to be a mummy", but couldn't explain why when asked. Maybe it's button pushing on her part, but it wasn't nice to hear. I do enjoy being a mum, but this phase is pretty unbearable. Help!

My dd, 5 in two weeks, is exactly the same at the moment and has been for the past couple of months. Drives you mad doesn't it? Sorry I don't have any solutions but wanted to let you know that you are not alone... Will be watching this thread with interest!

Yes my daughters 5 1/2 and rarely is anything right for her, & everyday is a battle with her, especially over eating. Also she is always right & i apparently don't know anything!!! Telling her off is an experience has it has no effect at all on her - wonderful!!! So no you're not alone & i'm just gritting my teeth & hoping this whole episode will pass soon. Thanks, you've made me feel so much better knowing i'm not alone with this!!!

So, we've got the "terrible twos", "threenagers" and the f** fours!

Anyone else dealing with a temporarily impossible child?

Yes, we have this with DD1 whi is 5 in March.

I do think some of it is tiredness from school, and also some of it stems from actually being at school.

I feel that I have expected a lot more from her now that she is at school, and that she is younger than I keep thinking.

WRT the food issue, yes, she often says that she doesn't want it, or like it, and we just say okay now, and would she like to sit and wait whilst the rest of us eat. usually she eats it too.

but on the up side, she is wonderful with DD2 now, she enjoys playing with her so much, and she also loves to read to me.
I am trying to concentrate on these positive issues, and to ignore the not so good!!

But dear God, it is trying!!

Earlybird, I think you have the patience of a saint if that was all you said to her! Don't feel guilty!

All I can suggest is not to get drawn in to her whining and arguing. Try to ignore. (impossible I know but as Christopher Green says in his book 'Luckily it is sufficient to pretend to ignore!!!!) Say what it is you're asking her to do, then if you get whining, explain again what you're asking and explain why, then tell her you are not going to say any more about it. And just ignore her. This DOES work with my son but you need to have a consequence in your back pocket in case she goes on and on. ie, perhaps say to her 'if you don't stop arguing you can go and sit in your room on your own for five minutes'.

If she wants to wear something she can't, ie the fairy wings, then the consequence could be 'if you don't stop fussing about wearing them under your coat then I'll put them away for a week.'

Thing to remember is kids can only be in an argument if we argue back - other than that it's winging and you can either ignore it or let them take it to another room!

My ds has a phase of 'no' at the moment and it seems to be a bit of a reflex - says it even when he says yes immiedately afterward! It is nutdriving but I just tell myself it will pass, I don't think it lasts forever!

I'm sure with the dinner thing also that the best thing is to ignore the 'no' as well - this is what's for dinner, there's no choice. If it doesn't get any reaction, it may stop all the sooner?

hope some of these ideas help?

ignore seriously I didnt and am just getting the hang of it at 6 and a half .

Sigh.....It's not getting better. Just completed an awful morning/school run. Not sure things are worse, but as the behaviour continues, my frustration increases and patience decreases. I feel my fuse getting shorter by the episode, and feel far too much of our meaningful interaction is negative at the moment.

This morning she was moving in sl-o-o-ow motion, with endless delay tactics. I went from thinking we'd have a lovely chat on the way to school and arrive there earlyish, to wondering if we'd arrive after the doors closed. She has no sense of urgency or keeping to a schedule. Part of me says "of course she doesn't, she's not quite 5!" But, the main issue is that she simply does not respond to requests/instructions until I'm almost at snapping point.

We seem to be in a cycle of negative interaction, but I don't know how to change it. Someone please tell me it's just a phase, it will get better, and tell me what you've done to break the cycle? This is not the kind of mum I want to be.

Earlybird, you poor thing - you must be drained, it's so nutdriving this, isn't it! I'm sure I can't think of anything you haven't tried but want to help if I can so here's my idea for today!

Have you tried making everything a game? eg, if she's taking forever getting dressed then turn one hand into a tickle monster who tickles people without their clothes on...if she's refusing shoes or whatever the same applies. my dh looks shocked at the shoe he's holding and says "What's in here? What is it?" then when he has my son's attention he chucks the shoe and says says "It's a FOOT!" If she's dawdling you can make it a competition between you to get wherever it is quicker "bet you I win the race to the car!".

Really don't know if this will be any use but we have found that our ds just will not follow requests or instructions - he seems to have a 'won't do what other people ask' gene. Turning things into a giggle and a game may be the key to stopping the negative interaction you describe. Maybe also will help ytou de-stress if you accept that at the moment, she is not able to follow instructions or do as she's asked - she isn't doing it to wind you up at all. Children have to gain the capacity to do things and until they have the capacity we can't make them do it!

Best of luck

Big sympathies Earlybird. I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. My twin DDs are almost 5 and one behaves exactly like yours, very very draining, infuriating and depressing. I will be watching this thread.

Earlybird, remember they are all phases. I suspect - tell me if I'm talking @rse - that may be particularly hard to remember if it's just you and just her; the Inferioriettes tend to alternate awfulnesses, and also DP can act as a bit of a reality check as well (as in "yes, she is being a total pain, isn't she") in addition to picking up some parenting slack.

I also find, for me, that my relationship with DD1 is really very intense - and as I say there are two other people to dissipate that intensity. We don't half wind each other up, before being passionately reuinted with declarations of eternal devotion.