Wanting her own way / tantrums

[Viv]

During the last month my dd who turned 4 in Septmeber is determined to get her own way 99% of the time and if this doesn't happen we get tears, tantrums etc.etc. It can be as simple as me getting her jumper out of the drawer when she wanted to do it (a fact she doesn't communicate until after the event) to wanting to be first to choose her ice cream / choose where to sit etc. when she is with her friends. When she gets like this there is no reasoning with her, you either give in (which I do do if its a minor non important matter) or sit out up to half an hour of crying.
The only real changes in her life are that a good number of friends have started school and she hasn't (they having Aug birthdays and hers being in September)but on the surface this doesn't seen to be a problem as she still sees them all be it not on a day to day basis. I really would love to know if anyone else has been through this or has any ideas as I'm really not sure where to go next, I'm at the end of my tether.

Viv, you could be describing my dd. Especially the bit about wanting to do something herself, but not telling me until after I've done it!! She's not so bad these days - since she's gone to school (sorry!), but during the summer we had a terrible time with her. There were a few changes going on, and we knew she was ready for school, so we just grinned and bore it. I found myself sometimes giving in (eg going back up the stairs so she could come down holding my hand, and then having to do it again, 'cos I didn't start from the "right" step), but sometimes I just thought "sod it, I'm not being controlled by a 4 year old". I think the key is to be consistent - I'm sure you've heard all this before, but if they think they'll eventually get what they want, they'll keep on until they do get it. I was concerned 'cos she still seemed to be acting like she did when she was 2. My HV reassured me though that this kind of behaviour wasn't unusual, especially in bright children (I liked hearing that!), and if your dd is the "older" end of the school year, she probably will be ready for the kind of challenge that school offers. I don't know if you have any other children, but I had a brainwave a while back, and decided that I needed to look at the problem from another angle - instead of shouting at her all the time (she really could/can be infuriating), I decided that me & her should do something together, just me & her, not her little sister, not her dad. Even something as simple as going to town together is different if we go on our own, without a boisterous 2.5 year old to deal with. In a few weeks, dh & other dd are going to his mum's for a few days, me & dd are staying here and we're planning loads of things to do together. I don't really know if this is what's made a change, or if she would have become calmer with going to school, or if it's because life's settled down, but whatever the reason, she has stopped being so irrational, and I suppose I should stop rambling and just reassure you that there's light at the end of the tunnel!

My 3 and a half year old dd is the same. I'm hoping (really, really hoping!) that it's something she will grow out of!

My dd (turned 4 in October) is the same way much of the time and often cries and shouts if she doesn't get her way. One evening, instead of going into one of my usual responses (trying to reason with her/ignoring her behavior/threatening to take away a privilege) I gave her a very sympathetic look and asked her what was bothering her. I told her she usually wasn't so cranky (hah!), so was something making her sad? I told her I would listen and maybe I could help make her feel better. We could talk about it and then we could read a story together. It worked like a charm. She calmed down and told me what was bothering her. Of course I haven't had the presence of mind to talk to her that way again, but it worked the one time I did it.

This is a fascinating thread and surely I am not the only one to have noticed it is daughters that are being talked about. My sister's three and a half year old dd is exactly the same.
Do you think it is a girl thing?

This all sounds very familiar as we've been through it with our youngest, and yes, it's another girl! It seems to be linked with being a bit of a perfectionist and also a security ritual, in DD2's case, though thank goodness she's much better now she is five. So hang on in there, it will get better!

Jasper - that's a very good point. When I was pregnant I was convinced I was going to have a boy because I remembered what I was like as a child and couldn't face the thought of having to bring up another me. I had a girl and it's me! Constant constant battles of wills, will disagree with WHATEVER I say just because I said it. Lots of reverse psychology used. And to think, it's only going to get worse

This is a reassuring thread. My oldest dd is nearly 5 and we are in the middle of a bad tantrumy phase with her. I have felt totally exhausted, upset, angry and felt as if none of my close friends were going through the same thing.......

What seems to help with my daughter is holding her on my lap, talking calmly (as possible) and then she seems able to calm down and on occasions she has been able to tell me what is bothering her. I think with her, starting school has been stressful. She loves school, is bright and adores her teacher, but she is a very contained child i.e. she does not readily show her feelings in front of other children, with the result the feelings all build up and result in a big tantrum in front of me. What also makes it hard is that she always asks for her dad when this happens and he is often at work, and so sometimes I feel a bit redundant altho I know she loves me.Anyway I do feel we are getting through this stage, and it has helped that my dh had taken some time off work to collect her from school one day this week.

I also had a tip from my sister in law on how to deal with my anger with her. She suggested I had a 30 second shout with her to let know how I feel, so I don't bottle it all up . It works when I remember ( but sometimes I can't limit the shouting to so short a period!).

Anyway I think it does get better, and it is so nice to hear that I am not the only one going through this.

Its really reassuring to know others are out there going through the same thing and the comments are really helpful. Yes, I think it really must be a girl thing, my mother informed me over the weekend when dd kicked off in front of her that she is just like her mother was at the same age (and I thought I was a little angel!!!). Thanks Emsiewill for making me laugh, the bit about starting on the wrong step when coming down stairs had me cracked up, it is exactly what we are going through. Thanks everyone for your comments I feel much better and as dh says at least it proves they have minds of their own!