nothing depresses me more than hearing my child shouts the way I did to her

[threecareers]

Everyone I tell myself not to lose it, not to use bribes and threats but my very stubborn four year old is making me feel I am the worst mum in the world. My little one is by nature very similar in temperment to my husband who is also very stuborn. But even he thought she is stubborn. I try to be patient but everyday every morning no matter how hard I try my DD does not listen to instructions and as it gets later and later I am aware of the tumbling effect of the daily schedule slipping away (I work) eventually I snap and I get upset she gets upset. She cries and shouts at me. It makes me feel very ashamed because she is obviously copying me. I try stars, stickers, good behaviour chart, explaining etc but all with very little effect. We are always late and now even she is repeating it back to me in the morning and asking me are we late? I try to wake her up an hour earlier and she still runs around and refuses to do what I ask because part of her wants to play and thinks this is all a game. I think what I want to say is that I know a lot of it is US the parents. We are tired, exhausted and every evening if I ask my husband to put her to bed invariably he will go and iron his shirts etc and then puts her to bed so by the time it is late and she wants to be read stories then it gets even later. If I take over then the monkey is always on my back. I feel between the two of us I am the one who takes control and whilst my DH helps out with lots of housework even though he works hard too, I feel I am supported. I always end up sleeping very late because i value those quiet time so much with no demands from my kids (I have two). I feel I am not helping the situation by losing it, shouting her and having a four year old talk back at me and I get more upset. We always make up quickly but I still feel very bad as a mother. I feel I have taught my DD to shout, to express her frustration. The other day I heard her talking to her doll at the back of the car literally repeating all the things I said to her when she misbehaves. It is both funny and sad. How do all of you do it? How do you manage to not lose it, not shout, not threaten them when they don't do what you ask, when you are running to a schedule? How? please give me some tips. I try ignoring it, I try the method "Have a good kid by Friday" still not much success. It must be me.

Ah threecareers, you sound so worn-out. I have a 4 year old DD as well. I'm sorry your DH isn't paying more attention to getting DD to bed at the right time - worth sitting down and having a discussion to see if you can mutually agree a time when she must be in bed with the light off?

My only real advice with stubbornness is to try to sidestep it rather than enforce an issue. Rather than try to force your DD to get ready to leave the house, make it a race - "How fast can you get your clothes on? Can you finish your breakfast before me?" etc, that kind of thing.

Occasionally when I am frustrated with DD and nearing a confrontation, I'll start singing one of her songs instead. It breaks the building tension.

When you can feel that both you and she are getting angry and frustrated, it sometimes helps just to (calmly) acknowledge it - "I'm frustrated. Are you?"

It sounds like your DD is very much tuned into your mood - this is a good quality, for her to be so intuitive. So the more that you can learn strategies for managing yourself, the more effectively you'll be demonstrating them to her. This does not mean I am blaming you! And try not to get into patterns of blaming yourself (or DH) - that will contribute even more to your frustration and weariness. Remind yourself to take pleasure in your relationship with DD rather than catalogue the stuff that goes wrong.

Threecareers, I agree, you sound tired. I think you need to look after yourself a bit first before thinking about your relationship with your DD.

Have a couple of early nights so you're not waking up tired or sleeping in late. It's rubbish sacrificing your evenings but worth it in the long run.

Get a good vitamin and take it everyday. Drink lots of water.

Go for a walk everyday. It's easier now the evenings are lighter and you can take DD with you too.

I also think you need to talk with your DH and you need to agree on a bedtime routine and a consistent approach from both of you.

With regards to your DD try and get her on your team with regards to the schedule. I find mine cooperate much more if I say "we're running late, I really need you to help me so we get out on time"

Get everything organised the night before so you can give her easy, achievable tasks like "grab your book bag" or even better are ones that help you, "my hairbrush is on the shelf can you pass it to me please? Oh thank you DD, I'm so busy sorting out this lunchbox/whatever and that really helped" it may sound false to your ears but mine preen when they've done something helpful.

Then take a minute when you're ready to leave to stop for a hug and a kiss, say "thank you so much for helping us get out on time. It makes it so much easier in the mornings. I love not shouting and I'm a really happy mum right now. I'm so lucky to have a kind daughter like you"

(Love your preening dcs, buck!)

Thank you so much for your good tips. I know I need to first sleep earlier and get enough rest myself. I really dislike myself for reacting but I think that is part of the problem. The harder I try the quicker I lose it. I going to try your advice and report back in a couple of days. I love my kids to bits but I try to do too much I want to enjoy my kids and have a good relationship with them. Thank you again. It means a lot.

Don't beat yourself up. Small children are annoying and try everyone's patience at some point.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

I'm in very much the same boat. I loose it, I shout, I feel bad, it goes on and on and on.

The one thing that really helps is to keep talking to them to tell them why, when, what if, even why I'm loosing it and shouting! It helps them understand what's going on and I talk my way out of the negative angry feelings.

'help me' is my new phrase I use all day every day and it seems to be working. I've been doing things like buckbuck suggested for a few months and it makes things much better/easier.

It's so hard when you are tired, I shout too and I hate it. I don't seem to notice I've slipped into the shouty voice until I'm doing it.

Sounds like others have had really good advice :) Another thing to try is to acknowledge that you are shouting, and try not to blame her for it. So if you realise you are shouting try to stop, count to ten and say "Sorry I was shouting. I will ask you nicely." and then try REALLY HARD to keep your voice level and repeat your request. If she's upset, ask if she needs a cuddle - sometimes you both need one!

Similarly if she ever says anything like "Don't shout at me, mummy!" really suppress the urge to say "Just do X then!!" and again, say sorry, count to ten if you need to, repeat what you want to say calmly, cuddle.

Always apologise after any shouting (when you've both calmed down) and remember to thank her if she is helpful/quick at getting dressed/whatever, even if it's been after a lot of messing around, verbalise feelings "We both got cross" and ask her how she felt, and tell her "It isn't nice to shout, is it, mummy will try to talk nicely." When she agrees, ask her if she can try to help/listen/get dressed (whatever the issue was). It will probably take a few times before she will respond to this positively but once she realises you are making an effort and listening to her, then she will, too.

When she is shouting at you, think about how it makes you feel - for me it makes me feel irritable and like "Well, no, I don't want to do things for someone who is shouting at me!" if you can try to keep hold of this it might help you when she is kicking off in relation to you shouting, because it probably makes her feel like this, too! If she is shouting at you use a positive phrase "DD can you speak nicely please?" rather than "Stop shouting at me, DD" - this isn't as important as the other things but it does help.

Also try to keep on top of your own sleep and eating if at all possible. It's so easy to forget to look after yourself when you have little ones - and I know the sleep thing is pretty impossible when you have a baby as well. If you and DH can agree on a plan where you both relieve each other if the other is getting stressed that can help a lot - DP used to instruct me to go for naps when DS's sleep was bad I agree you need to get him on board with bedtimes etc too - his shirts can wait until she is in bed but she needs a set bedtime so she's not overtired.

Good luck! :) I hope things improve for you. And as BuckBuck says try not to take it to heart - think of each day as a new canvas, a fresh start and don't dwell on whether you feel you've "failed" previously, because you can always start again.