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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

telling off someone else's child....

14 replies

mamacherry · 26/03/2012 15:15

Had had enough of a 7 year old boy who hit me on the back and showed me his bare bottom in defiance in the local park after hassling my 5 year old daughter (pushing, hitting) and no intervention from mum, whose a friend of a friend. Got down to his level and held his hands whilst i told him off, fairly but firmly, I thought. Mum was angry with me, saying I had set the boy up by admonishing him earlier when he tried to push my daughter, saying 'its what boys do'. I thought it was outrageous behaviour I wouldnt tolerate from anyone but now I have no idea how to face the mum again who made me feel I had done something wrong. Have I?

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 26/03/2012 15:16

Nope. She did. And, I would bet, she was embarrassed that someone else had to discipline her child.

BabydollsMum · 26/03/2012 15:17

So with you on this one. Disgraceful!

Original poster

mamacherry · 26/03/2012 15:20

gosh thanks for immediate support. have spent 24 hours feeling awful that I seem to have made an enemy of someone, but I also wanted my daughter to see that he was getting some kind of disciplince for her sake. Any tips on facing the mum again, or my friend. they both left me standing in the playground...

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 26/03/2012 15:24

I wouldn't worry about the one who isn't really your friend. She obviously can't deal with her children, so I wouldn't worry about what she thinks of you.

And I wouldn't be surprised if your friend thanks you or similar next time you see her. You probably did what she's been wanting to do for ages.

And if not? Then maybe she's not the sort of person you actually want to be friends with.

flagnogbagnog · 26/03/2012 15:27

Good for you. If the mother was letting him get away with it someone needed to let the kid know his behaviour was not acceptable. As for dealing with her in the future, hold your head up high.

Original poster

mamacherry · 26/03/2012 15:32

Thanks. She was trying to make a deal of the fact that I 'squeezed' her son (ie held on to his hands - I wanted to make sure he didn;t whack me again!) and I do regret making physical contact with him in retrospect. My friend also has unruly boys and struggles to discipline so I think she probably has more in common with other mum than me. TBH, they are always mean to my daughter, who just wants to play whenever she sees them in the park but always ends up in tears. I think i will have to resign myself to an awkward moment when I next see either of them and keep on walking with my two girls. Always a bit sad when you find yourself at loggerheads with another woman who is just trying to cope but she really does need to sort the kid out aged 7. My DH told me to keep my distance from now on form both the mums but he doesnt do teh childcare as much as me and is much thicker skinned.

OP posts:

Frontpaw · 26/03/2012 15:35

Sadly she demonstrates a lot of what is wrong these days... I am happy for parents to back up for their kids (when they are being unfairly treated), but when they have been wrong, they need to be remonstrated. In my day (I sound ancient) my mum would have bollocked me, or at least tried to establish the facts (before bollocking me).

I know a few folk in the teaching profession and have heard many may stories of some mad parent threatening a teacher (or driven their car through the school gates which were closed at the time) in retaliation to them actually telling off their child (or believing some tall tale their child has come home with).

I would speak to your friend - I am sure the other mum has already had the 'Did you see her.....' conversation with her - and get the facts straight. Ask her what she would have done. I am sure she would agree with you.

I would strangle DS if he mooned someone!

CecilyP · 26/03/2012 16:36

You have done nothing wrong. While it might be fairly common for a little boy to hassle a little girl, the boys behaviour towards you is absolutely NOT what boys do. Speak to your friend and see what she says. If she sides with the other mum then, perhaps it is time to get some new friends.

Original poster

mamacherry · 26/03/2012 19:42

That's been a real confidence booster for helping me to
Face these mums again. Will definitely be holding my head up high!

OP posts:

anonymosity · 27/03/2012 04:04

I would strongly recommend the "get the hell out of there" approach. Its incredibly difficult to manage another child's behaviour in a situation like that. If you were here in the US you could be arrested for just having done what you did - holding his hands and telling him off. Ridiculous, I know.
My policy is to just leave and find another playground / other thing to do, if the other parent is being willfully negligent to all concerned and / or blaming you for their kid's terrible behaviour. I know it sounds like the cowards way out and it probably is, but that feeling of guilt and turmoil that you're experiencing is what often happens otherwise. But I must add that I think you did your very best given the circumstances and probably the right thing - but for the fact its taken so much out of you after.

Frontpaw · 27/03/2012 12:32

Apparently, the US version us to crouch down to their level, hands on their shoulders and speak in a slow, low but loudish voice. My sister has spent the last 30 years kiddie-wrangling in the US. However, she did do this to a child (who was hell bent on throwing itself down a flight of stairs - repeatedly) and ended up in the background of a photo. When one of her kids saw the photo she asked 'Mom... Why were you throttling that little kid?'

anonymosity · 28/03/2012 03:37

That's very funny and I can just imagine it!

Thumbwitch · 28/03/2012 03:54

First off, it's not "what boys do" - it's what boys do when no one tells them not to because it's wrong. So that's her first mistake.

Second - you were doing the right thing to protect your DD and show her that the boy was in the wrong.

Third - the mother may have had all sorts of reasons for being cross with you, almost none of which are to do with you and what you did. Chances are she was embarrassed that you felt the need to do it - showing up her deficiencies in the discipline department.

However you look at it, you didn't really do anything wrong - although as you say it would be better if you have to do it again to avoid physical contact, just in case.

Alltheseboys · 28/03/2012 05:05

Think about how you want your daughter to turn out & keep that in focus. As a teacher who got called 'an effing slag' today. You learn the kind of parents you want to be friends with & the kind of kids you want your kids to grow up with.
Ywbu for physical contact but not for telling off.

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