Hitting in toddlers.

[Pinkblancmange]

Ds is 2.4, he has been known to hit or push others on occasion (when he's tired or frustrated) I do not condone this behaviour but have recently been judged scolded by others for ds outbursts.

I'm wondering if it is my parenting which is lacking or ds personality.
What can I do?

Hi there,

My DD is 3.3 and has started doing the same a bit recently, again mostly when she's tired. She used to limit physical violence to me or DH, but the other week she bit a little girl at nursery - I was completely mortified when they told me, especially as the girl isn't even 2 yet. I hate the idea of her hurting kids much littler than her (or any kids, obviously), as she really does know better. However, I was reassured that the nursery didn't make a big deal of it - of course she had to say sorry and sit in the 'thinking chair', but I think it's a common problem with small children and perhaps I'm being delusional but I don't think it's a parenting issue necessarily. They get frustrated or tired or hungry or have just got out of bed the wrong side.

I think as long as you're very clear with him that it's wrong, that he must always say sorry (I'm totally insistent about this with my DD - she has to say sorry no matter what), then you just need to be consistent and wait for him to grow out of it. Also if he's been hit/pushed by another child, it might be useful to remind him of it when he's done the same thing, to try and let him make the empathy connection. As for others judging/scolding you - ignore them. Either they are lucky enough to have a child who has never done the same thing (VERY rare in my experience), or they're just being blinkered and have conveniently forgotten the time that little Maisie pushed her so-called best friend off the see-saw...

What do you do when you DS behaves like this?

Ds is told sternly we don't hit, I then will make a fuss of the victim and tell make ds to apologise. Ds is then removed from the situation.

The last time this happened we were at a friends house (dsis friend). There was a squabble over toys and ds hit another child, the other child's smug mother told me 'my children never hit' and has continued to remind my dsis of the incident who then in turn has been attacking my parenting. Dsis (childless) thinks I'm too soft on ds - she will punish him without warning.

Thank you for your response bean.

No probs. And please don't let your sister and her friend get to you - it sounds to me like the friend is extremely lucky (I stress lucky, nothing to do with her parenting skills) to have very meek children (although I'd be really surprised if they've NEVER hit), and your sister's attitude is very much down to not having children herself. We all thought we'd have perfectly behaved children until we realised that, er, it's not actually that simple.

Oh gosh, I am so with you sigh

Ds1 has been a hitter since about 19 months, briefly giving it a rest for a couple of months around the 2 yr mark but then launched into full on fight club mode at playgroups/soft play and even tried to wrestle a little girl off a swing before I could get to him (was feeding dd2)

He has got a lot better of late but it is a bit hit and miss (pardon the pun) so I never really know what he's going to be like on a particular day at a particular place. It has got better since his speech and understanding has developed.

The main things to keep in mind (easier said than done) are it is a phase, it is not down to parenting (in fact, I truly believe the more parenting we are forced to do, the better parent we are, perversely) and your dc is not a raving sociopath. My friend's wife is training to be a midwife and has recently done some research into toddler boy behaviour. She told me that boys, in addition to the heady mix of developmental milestone reaching and an undeveloped area of the brain which governs impulse control, have periods of testosterone spikes which makes them more fighty. Add to the pot things like new siblings, starting nursery etc, then it seems a miracle that not all toddler boys roar around like Genghis Khan on a bad day.

My DD has been taught to say 'sorry' at nursery. Unfortunately for me, she finds this highly amusing and has been hitting/ biting for a few days now because 'I like saying soweee to my mummy' and 'cuddles mean soweeee, don't they, mummy?' Great! Obviously too young at 2.6 to actually understand the concept of remorse. I'm working on stopping her before she makes contact and redirecting. And lots of nice cuddles unrelated to 'sorry'!

As long as you're dealing with it fine, then it's no reflection on parenting. Dc1 and 2 never even looked likely to hit/bite/push/anything physical. Ever. Dc3 made up for it.