Will 3YO DD always be raging and furious? Am worried for us all

[bean612]

She is having the most enormous tantrums: screaming, shouting, saying she doesn't want us, doesn't like us, biting, hitting, pulling my hair, etc. I know it's probably pretty normal for her age, but I worry that she's just destined to be an angry person and can't help wondering what on earth she's going to be like as an older child, teenager, etc once she's physically bigger and more intellectually developed. I'm afraid it will lose her friends, and also that we won't be able to deal with it - and that she will make herself unhappy with it.

I'm probably just being paranoid, but it's partly that she's always been tempestuous, even as a baby - crying and raging and very high needs. We've just had a crappy weekend with lots of tantrums and I'm anxious. Can anyone out there reassure me that their previously crazed small child has turned into a lovely, calm, well-adjusted 6/7/8 etc-year-old?!

Hey - tantrums are normal.
I think one problem you have, that could well be escalating things, is that you 'allow' her to hit you.
I am sure you have tried to stop her from doing this...but it hasn't worked.
If she is hitting you, she has a lot of power for such a tiny. Parents are supposed to be the port in the storm...not the eye of it. Children are actually soothed and comforted by boundaries. It gives them confidence and makes them feel safe. If she is physically attacking you, then your authority is blurred and she is not soothed by you. Does that make sense?

First off, you must adopt a strict no tolerence approach to her hitting, biting, hair pulling etc...at 3 she is old enough to understand no.

As soon as she strikes out say 'No! No hitting!' calmly but sharply, and then remove yourself from her. Put her down straight away, or walk away. Then ignore her. Repeat as necessary.

You could be doing with establishing a naughty step approach to discipline (it has worked wonders on three very different children here), in order to deal with her tantrums.
But first of all, you need to tackle her violence towards you. If you are to take steps to improving her conduct, then you need to establish your authority. You will not achieve that while she is allows to hit you.

Good luck!

Hi pictish, we do already do as you recommend re the hitting - i.e. saying 'no' loudly and firmly and moving away (when I say she is hitting/biting it's only when she catches me by surprise, usually it's more that she attempts to hit/bite). I have found that completely ignoring her when she starts kicking off is the best way to deal with it - at least in terms of that's what's easiest for me, and eventually she will calm down because she wants my attention back. It does sometimes take her ages, though, and it certainly doesn't seem to put her off doing it in the first place. I guess what I'm worried about is the long term, as in what if she still can't control her anger when she's older? As I mentioned, it seems to be part of her temperament, since even as a baby she was capable of enormous rages...

Oh bean I could have written your post. Am going through it with DS2 now (and at 35 weeks pregnant I have alot of fear about what life is going to be likw with a newborn).

Didn't really go through this with DS1 as his tantrums were never aggressive -just alot of screaming. However he is now 7, nearly 8 and I can see that all of the more 'aggressive' (can't think of the right word) children from his preschool class are developing into absolutely lovely children (of varying degrees of liveliness!) so I have everything crossed that if we stay consistent, keep the zero tolerance approach going - even though nothing is changing yet - it will work.

Its so draining though and I completely share your fears that what happens if they don't grow out of it.

Have you and her always bonded well?
Could a GP help with any issues or your concerns?

amillionyears - yes, we've always bonded very well, so I don't think that's the issue. She was a velcro baby and is still absolutely obsessed with me to the exclusion of all others, which I usually adore but sometimes find a bit stifling, to be brutally honest. We have seen our (very good) HV a few times over the past 3 years wrt DD's behaviour (mostly concerning her sleep, which continues to be pretty dodgy); most recently we saw her about the tantrums, but tbh that was mostly instigated by DH. I felt - and still do - that there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with her, she's just VERY strong-willed and hot-headed. Which could take her far in life, or could be her undoing, perhaps.

howardsway (now there's a blast from the past!) - I'm really sorry you're suffering too, but I'm grateful for anecdotal evidence that we don't necessarily have to panic! The thought of her behaving this way at 7 or 8 brings me out in a cold sweat, so I'm glad you do know kids who have grown out of it. It must be hard with other children to think about - ours is currently an only, and her tantrumming/not sleeping well has always been DH's reason why he's not keen on another one. Last week he finally said 'Well, okay, probably we can after all...' - so of course two days later DD ramps up the madness just to remind him why he shouldn't be changing his mind... Sigh. I do wonder myself how much harder it would be with another child in the mix, especially if s/he is equally, er, challenging, but I think statistically it would be really unlikely (right?!?) and for me that's not enough reason not to abandon all my dreams of having two children as opposed to one. The thing is, DD when she is lovely (which is most of the time, even if it doesn't feel like it when she's screaming) is an absolutely gorgeous, kind, funny, thoughtful, smart, sociable little girl. But she's like the nursery rhyme... When she was good she was very, very good...

Am surprised you havent had any further posts.If I were you, I would see if there are similar posts on the search part of MN.
Hope things improve for you.

Thanks, millionyears. I will. And maybe now wine o'clock has arrived there might also be some more MNers along who have had similarly bad days/weekends/months!