Routine or Go With The Flow?

[SamanthaG]

My DS is 11 weeks old and I have desperately been trying to get him into a daily sleep/eat routine since he was just a few weeks old. I am not being too successful and feel somedays that I am peddeling backwards! We have 'good days' when I am so happy that things are going well, but then we have 'bad days'which make me feel totally frustrated and fed up.
I have tried to speak to my h.visitor who tells me I am too early to think about routines and most of my family and friends have gone with demand feeding and are not able to offer much advice.
I feel that if I do not continue with my attempt to get him into a routine that I may end up with more problems in the future, but it is so hard going that some days I wonder if I am just making life harder for myself and should I just go with the flow and enjoy my baby whilst he is still so young?

ok, my first question is this - why do you want him in a routine now? what "problems in the future" are you worried about?

I would prefer him to sleep in his own bed instead of in my arms and I also want him to sleep at regular intervals during the day so that he does not get over tired. However, it is hard to make him sleep when he is feeling wakeful and impossible to keep him awake when he wants to go to sleep. I don't want him to sleep all day and be awake all night. I guess it is mainly sleep issues that worry me. Some people tell me how important it is to get him into a routine and others tell me not to worry as he will get himself into a routine. I am confused!
I also want to have an organised day for my own sake as due to dh working long hours I find myself alone a great deal.

I know some people will have different views but I think 11 weeks is very small to be expecting your whole day and night to be following a predictable pattern. However I think some people (me included) find it difficult to cope when everything is so unpredictable, so I understand exactly what your frustrations are.

I would suggest at this stage, you choose a couple of things you definitely want to happen at the same time each day. maybe, one is bedtime at a certain time? So start doing a little wind down, bath, feed with the lights down, etc. Pick a time you think would suit your baby at this stage (you can always bring forward / backwards later). DS went down for teh night at 8pm initally, then earlier as he got older, but this suited him as he always went into a deep sleep in the early evening, right from birth.

Also, I had a little routine in the morning, where I would have a shower, at teh same time each morning, while DS laid on a mat with his nappy off. After I had my shower, I would get him washed and dressed, then get myslef ready.

If you try a couple of things to begin with, perhaps try & go with the flow for the rest of the day, then as he gets a bit older, you can "add" things in, like naps at certain times, feeds at certain times, etc.

HTH a little bit?

I really remember this feeling and I hope I can help - don't know if it will, but this is the basics routine we used with my son at this age:

up in the morning by 7am
First bottle / feed straight away
Then quick change, wash, and dress, and some kickabout time on his playmat using his baby gym thing, and general playtime/social time with me
9am upstairs for his nap, usually three quarters of an hour or an hour.
10am up and playtime again
11am next feed
12 noon Upstairs for nap till 2.30ish
2.30 playtime
3pm next feed then kickabout time
4pm up for very short nap, no more than half an hour
6pm took all clothes off to let his bum get some air! kickabout on his changing mat, then bath, dress for bed, last feed, and bed by 7pm.

I have to stress that this was what we aimed for; at 11 weeks we definitely had days when he went 'off message'! Usually this was with the feeds as he was hungry and grizzled for his feeds earlier than 4 hourly. The thing was if he had them early he took less and this led to a cycle of snacking, which meant he slept for less time, which meant he got tired and grumpy - this is why we wanted a routine for him because the moment we tried it we saw how much happier he was.

Obviously all babies are different but using this routine my son became such a happy little baby and was a complete joy.

There were days when he did odd things like fall asleep during his playmat time but this was rare. The routine seemed to 'fit' him perfectly physiologically for the most part.

I found my health visitor completely useless, couldn't recommend a routine, but then as weeks wore on and I took such a content baby to clinic for his weigh ins, she'd say 'oh, he's so happy because you're doing everything right!" Cheers, no thanks to you, I thought!!! Have you tried the Gina Ford contented baby book - that's where my routine was lifted from.

The 4pm nap was the one my son dropped first by the way so don't know if your son would go for this at 11 weeks.

Hope some of this helps. I had a friend who couldn't use it because her son was just so sleepy, kept falling asleep all day but she kept plugging away and a few months on he took to more of a routine. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

just meant to say I'm afraid I am now quite forgetful of whether he was on this routine at 11 weeks - regarding the four feeds a day. Can't remember but it's worth checking the gina ford book as she breaks down the routine into appropriate sections for how many weeks the baby is.

i think 11 weeks is a little young to try routine, you will have a lot of that as he gets bigger, just try and enjoy your baby for now, they aren't little for long i know its hard when you'r tired and alone a lot but i wish id spent more time enjoying dd being little rather than worrying about her eating/sleeping/poos! lol

they generally sort themselves out eventually, try maybe just putting him in his bed if he falls asleep on you, or if he has a 'sleepy time' put him in his bed before hes asleep and just sit with him and sing and things until hes alseep, it might make him feel more at home.

hope it all goes well!

For what it is worth I found getting dd up and putting her to bed at the same time every day really helped get a routine established. 7am and 7pm and everything else just slotted in. I demand fed btw.

I also slept when my daughter slept in the day (not every nap tho!) which really helped me cope with the night feeds etc.

I understand what you're saying samantha. When DD2 was born i'd forgotten that babies don't have a routine and I wanted to get her into one to make it easy on the rest of the family (DD1 was just turning 2 and it affected her quite badly). Looking back I think it was too early, however (not realising this at the time), I carried on attempting the routine thing and although it was hard work-one step forward, two steps back-it worked. By 3 months she was sleeping through and life was much easier after that time. Many (most) will disagree with this method though and because of this I found it hard to talk about the tiredness, frustrations etc because of negativity received over something that I thought was for the best.

You could try to write down what times your baby likes to sleep and eat for a couple of days and see if he has any tendencies towards a routine and then you can use that to nudge him into a more consistent routine. I do think that he's too little for you to impose a routine on him though. My daughter is now a year old and it was not until she was about 6 months that I really had a routine going, I still had to adjust it periodically though.

I'm a go w/the flow type. BUT, that's hoping DD2 will get some sort of routine semi-established next month cuz I'm going to have to go back to work in April .

i personally found trying to stick to much of a routine really stressful, especially when his nibs had other ideas. but a fixed bedtime and getting up time gives some structure.

i think you've answered your own question "desperate to get him into a routine....peddaling backwards"....

why not just trust your instincts and go with the flow?

I think that if you do things consistently your little one will fall into a natural "routine".

What I mean is,is that if bedtime is important to you then consistently do bath, bottle, bed routine at the same time everyday. Very soon it becomes the norm and in my experience both my DS's fell into the rhythm naturally.

Two best pieces of advice I ever got about sleeping were:

Never let the baby go more than 2 hours without a nap until they are about 4/5 months old; and

Sleep breeds sleep - as long as your baby is awake for a fair amount of time during the day and sufficiently stimulated during that time it doesn't really affect night time sleeping.

Just my experience.

11 weeks is very early to be expecting a really consistent routine. I have always kept a daily diary (ds now 7 months) noting down when he ate and when he slept - I found it made me more aware of his patterns. I could then plan anything I wanted to do around what was most likely to be the best time in his routine - some days it worked, other days it didn't. Aiming to start (and if possible finish) the day at the same time helped the rest to fall into place. As ds has got older his patterns have become more consisent on a day to day basis. However the routine is always being tweaked - a couple of months ago ds would only stay awake for 1.75hrs, a month ago it was 2 hrs, now it is about 2.25. So by all means aim for a routine, but IME it is easier to work to a routine suggested by them than to force them into one suggested by someone else.

I personally think routines are essential but they don't have to rule your life. Sticking to basic principles, like as someone else has mentioned - don't keep young baby awake for longer than 2 hours; small naps in morning and afternoon and a long lunchtime nap; try to keep awake and stimulate him/her for min hour and max 2 hours from waking time before allowing to sleep...etc. Structuring play and sleep during the day will really help in my experience. At least if you have a semi-routine you're more likely to know what's wrong with them when they start grizzling, rather than using the trial and error method which will only prolong an already cheesed off babe!

samanthag - i stuck to the baby whisp routine (easy) from 8 weeks, and within 2 days it worked like a dream and i had a very good routine....of course i still had the odd day where DD didnt want to sleep etc...but on the whole she has slept through the night (from 7,30pm until 6,30 am) since she was 10 wks old, from 6 monthes she has done 7,30 until 7.30am.....my in laws etc say i am lucky with my DD, but i feel its a bit of both, and that dh and mine persistance with the baby whisp routine has paid off....like clock work DD has adapted to the routines the baby whisp suggests....hth

I started a basic routine from about 3 weeks. Especially the bath, feed, bed bit. Always gave the night feed in a dark, quiet room, no talking etc. Always put DD awake after a little cuddle. Found it took until about 12 weeks for the routine to really start kicking in, but think if you persevere, your DS will start to expect certain things and I personally think most babies thrive on routine. I almost threw in the towel during the first three months, but don't give up, it does get better.

SamanthaG - my ds was a very poorly refluxy baby with a tongue tie (breastfed) who could go all day without a nap, sleep all night one night, nothing the next. Feeds all over the place, slept in our bed often, no bedtime routine or regular wake up time. At about 5 months he started getting better and we kicked off with a bedtime routine and regular nap times (not always successful but put down in cot at same times anyway). As weaning progressed milk feeds and mealtimes started to come at regular times. Is now pretty much in a text book routine despite those first few months of chaos. You sound worried that what you do now will set up a pattern for the future. IME it won't! Agree with others - go with a bedtime routine now and add in others as your daughter develops.

macnoodle

my son has tongue tie too. did you get v sore nipples when bf him? did it resove eventually? i am sufferring v much with sore nips that haven't healed yet (he is 3 and a half weeks), both still cracked in the middle, but improving gradually with the help of lansinoh. did you get his frenulum clipped? i was wondering whether to try to get this done, but haven't as it gradually seems to be improving.

I started trying to get DS into a routine at the earliest opportunity (about 3 weeks), based on the Gina Ford ideas. I only loosely used her methods though, used the book more as a reference than a bible if you get my meaning, but DS was well established in a routine by the time he went into his cot at 9 weeks. Of course some days things didn't work out according to the routine, but generally he thrived on it and was sleeping through the night (11 pm to 7 AM) at 9 weeks, the night after he went into his cot ironically. I do think though, and some may disagree, but in talking to others, I think it's easier to get a bottle fed baby into a routine than a breastfed one. I think this is more because when you're bottle feeding you can give a set amount of milk, i.e. 6 oz at a feed and if the baby drinks it you know how much they've had, but if you're breast feeding you don't always know how much they've had, as one person's milk supply is not the same as another's. I remember reading Gina Ford and her saying "allow the baby to suck for x minutes on the first breast, and then transfer to the othr breast" ... and thinking but how would you know then how much the baby has had? That's just my opinion though, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

lyra

Didn't find out he had a tongue tie til he was 4 months old by which time it had stretched . At the expense of my nipples and relationship with ds. If you can find someone who will clip it, get it done. You don't have to go through the pain! Talk to your gp, hv or hospital. It is a very simple, virtually painless procedure, but for some reason it seems not many midwives etc are able to do it.

Ds used to take ages and ages to feed (literally an hour or more) and was feeding pretty much constantly for weeks. It was very very hard and only grim determination kept me going. Have a great bf thing going now though so get him snipped and enjoy!