I feel like a huge failure as a Mother

[Heyyyho]

DD is 5 and in a school with a high academic reputation, lots of structure.

She has an activity that she does on Sat mornings. Since she was 3 and something that I really feel is important for her. We missed quite a big chunk due to weather/ illness since starting school and since starting back she has said she doesn't want to go anymore. I think she feels behind from the others in her group who are more advanced than her and in Y2.
I explained to the teacher last week what was going on and she made a real effort to boost her which was great.

All week DD has been anxious about this activity and I did say she doesn't have to go this week if she is worrying about it so much. She even mentioned it to my Mum when she babysat.

This morning the sun was shining and I started to persuede her, it seems so silly not to go on a day like this. She started crying and running away saying she didn't want to go. DH said just leave it. But we are going so little there is no point anymore and it would kill me to sack it off and be a waste and shame for her.

At her report the Teacher said she can be quiet in groups and lacking in confidence sometimes, although academically she is doing well. She needs to "have a go" and throw herself into things more rather than standing on the sidelines.

She behind in swimming too and very nervous of the water. She can't swim yet really. I feel I have passed my shitty personality onto her and all this fear she has is my fault. I also feel like shit that I have come upstairs and am pretty much ignoring her after this morning's drama. I can't bear it. My way around this is to basically contradict myself and bully her. It's so not on. I am sitting here sobbing I just don't have a clue how to bring my girl up.

Your fears really resonate with me.

DS is just 6, and socially shy. He is OK academically, but no shining star. He is also my most wonderful, kind, big hearted PFB.

I tried and tried to get him going along to the local Saturday morning football group. I pleaded, I got cross, I took him anyway, I bought lovely kit.

He hated it.

Now he complains that he has no friends - I think this is because all the other boys do football together.

I know that, like you, I am projecting and over-reacting, but I can't for the life of me figure out a sensible reaction.

I also had more putting down than building up in my childhood, am very shy and am not involved in anything outside work/home as an adult.

I don't want my children to be like me, but I don't know how to help.

So I'm reading the comments and trying to learn.

Dr Phil says..........that if they want to learn to play the guitar you encourage that and then when they say they have had enough of that and they want to play chess you encourage that and then when they want to do gymnastics you encourage that. Then they have an opportunity to try all these different things and they will find something they love.

Your school sounds a little competitive. Just remember that most of those mothers are probably exaggerating wildly about the achievements of their offspring.

The best thing that you can do NightLark is get involved in something in the community, outside work and home. There are lots of things that shy people can do. Join the PTA, help at Beaver/Cub meetings are 2 suggestions. You can be just the person that does the washing up-you don't have to be a front person.

I think your fears and worries are fairly common if you are surrounded by alpha parents and their children. You soon started to get sucked into the belief that you have to be like that or you won't get anywhere in life (whereas in fact, a proportion of these children will end up unable to cope with the stress of their high flying careers in future years and unable to admit to it, resulting in serious consequences for their own and their families' lives... or so I have observed in my time....they most certainly will not all get through their lives being blissfully happy, well adjusted and successful).

There is no point selecting a limited range of activities for your dd and then telling her she has to do them whether she likes them or not. That won't increase her confidence. It's a good idea to let her try dance because she has actually asked to do it. And don't worry about the competitiveness - do you actually want her to be an Olympic swimmer or international tennis star? Or a prima ballerina? If not, then why take all the fun out of it, just so that she can be one of the best in a class of people who will give up in a few years to concentrate on their exams, anyway????? Will she have to be good at tennis in order to be accepted by the other children at the school? Will she be excluded from a constant round of tennis parties otherwise??? (If yes, then it doesn't sound like a very rounded, nurturing environment, although I suspect you just haven't noticed the quiet ones who don't get involved in this sort of thing). And if being one of the best is something you want your dd to be in her extra curricular activities, then you are going to have to let her choose something she actually enjoys, anyway (it might turn out she loves music and dance, or drama, or art, not tennis and swimming). She doesn't need to have been doing her activities since the age of 3 to stand a chance of becoming very good at them - life is not actually that much of a rat race. And if she is the sort of person who likes to observe others, who likes to try things out but is turned off by competition, then you can't squash this out of her as though it is a major personality defect, because it won't change her personality, it will just make her insecure. Some people choose not to rise to competition - they will happily work hard to do their personal best, but find being assessed against others holds them back from doing this rather than spurring them on. Competitive schools don't seem to understand this and rarely get the best out of people who don't need competition to get off their backsides and work.

ps try not to beat yourself up about it all - your reactions are not abnormal and you can obviously already see that you are feeling everything too strongly. It is obviously very personal for you, and that's a shame - perhaps you need to remind yourself that despite your odd upbringing and being a bit down on your own personality, you have produced a beautiful little girl whom you love very much and are doing your very best for. You should not expect yourself to be perfect any more than you should expect your dd to be perfect - but you are both loveable, or you wouldn't be where you are now, with a dh and a dd.

I'm really pleased your dd got her swimming cert OP, things like that make them feel as if they have achieved something and are moving on

Like I said before my DCs have been in just about every single activity but they have found a few they like and have stuck to those.
I think you have to let them try lots of things until they find the thing they like.

Neither of my kids did extra curricular stuff when new at school, they were too busy and tired from adjusting to school routines, environment and faces.

My dd has done/tried ballet, ice skating, French, music, rollerskating, Brownies, art... a bazillion things. The only thing I've forced encouraged her to stick at is swimming and we've had ups and downs with it.

I think when they're little and the parents are so keen, it can seem as though everyone else's child is an overachiever but it all comes together as they grow bigger and she finds her interests.

It does sound as though she is a little lacking in confidence. I would probably look for a book about building self esteem. If you have grown up very criticised you may need some help with building your daughter's confidence.

I agree with the others on not sweating it over extra curricular stuff, these things come and go and the important thing is the child is exploring interest, the wider world, and gaining confidence. The actual achievement is a very small part of the value.

I think you are probably realising that this is more about you than her. 5 is incrediby young, although I think with your PFB you really don't realise how small they are.

Children develop differently at different times and different speeds. My parents were incredibly nervous, shy people. My Dsis was a county champion swimmer as a teen but she was terrified of water and didn't start swimming til she was 7.5.

Tennis is very big where we live (very affluent area with lots of high achieving parents so I have alot of empathy for how you are feeling). However ALOT of children started at 3 or 4 and then dropped it. Its not actually alot of fun as an activity for small children, it requires alot of co-ordination and for alot its pretty fruitless for a long time. They will all start again at some point (not many have yet though and DS1 is 7) and will be absolutely socially adequate tennis players as adults!

Totally agree with Savoycabbage. Your DD has a whole childhood ahead of her to discover what it is she likes to do and there's no reason why she shouldn't try and whole range of different things.

If you'd like her to develop some sporty type of skills I'd suggest you play games in the garden or park for fun with no pressure at all and to develop basic skills such as aiming and hitting a ball with a bat, catching and enjoying doing these things for fun rather than any achievement.

My only rule for the DC's is that if they ask to do something they keep it up for the period for which I have pre-paid - usually a term.

HTH - I really feel for you. I am surrounded by Alpha sporty social types but am definately not one !!!! I am very happy though and think this is my responsibility to my family.

Wow that was long!!

Without reading all the answers, I can say I feel for you. My DD has been reluctant with SO many activities. Especially when she was 5! We utterly failed at ballet, or any other kind of structured lesson involving dance and tuition. She was in the baby group (the rest of them were 2 and 3) at swimming and had screaming tantrums getting out of the water. Total nightmare. And I was in pieces over it all, not knowing what do to. My mum had activities for the kids every single day of the week, after school and Saturday mornings. I felt like a failure cos I was letting my kid give up. My mom forced me to do ballet and violin and at the end of it, I'm glad I did those things. BUT everyone is different, and I have to say, my DD was just like yours at age 5, not wanting to do things, and now she is 7 and she loves swimming, and she also does a gymnastics class now. So it's not too late to if you let her off the hook and don't force her with this activity, but maybe let her find something that interests her, later on. 5 is very young to be having to do activities. Let her try different things and then give it some time to stick with something.