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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Ds KEEPS hitting me! What to do?

21 replies

beansprout · 02/02/2006 21:37

Ds is 15m and just keeps hitting me, in the face, on the arms, legs, you name it. He looks at me fairly defiantly and is waiting to see what reaction he gets. I keep saying "you must not hit mummy" and then as soon as it does it again, usually mmediately I put him down or turn away and ignore him for half a minute or so. He then starts crying and screaming, so I then go back and offer or give a cuddle and so the hitting starts again. Have also tried lots and lots of distractions but he just hits me again anyway.

What to do? Comments, suggestions?! Please!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

morningpaper · 02/02/2006 21:38

I'd shut him in his room and hold the door shut for 2 minutes

then open it and ANY HITTING and he's straight back in there

repeat until he emerges meek and broken

it's like training horses

he'll get the message

Blu · 02/02/2006 21:41

Cut out the first warning - as soon as he does it just calmly put him away from you, or down, or whatever, and ignore him in a low-key way. Respond to him as soon as he appraoches you in a freindly way. Don't create a battle - any reacton is exciting.

morningpaper · 02/02/2006 21:42

I wouldn't offer a cuddle because he is crying because you told him off

Just ignore

Original poster

beansprout · 02/02/2006 21:42

Blu - that sounds like the way I want to go, but can I ask - he gets himself into a right state that can last a while. Should I just sit it out and wait for him to calm down?

OP posts:

biglips · 02/02/2006 21:43

hiya.... first thing you DO NOT give him a cuddle after he had been hitting you as he be getting a mix up message from you "if i hit mummy and cry, she will cuddle me"!!

i always say a firm "NO" and put DD in her playpen for a little cry, i go out of the room and carry on but i dont give her cuddles as thats for when she is a good girl and she is tired and if she wanted cuddles.

DD used to hit me in the face alot but is getting better not to hit me ..

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/02/2006 21:43

A firm "NO HITTING" and then ignore ignore ignore.

Then over praise the loving cuddly stuff when he does it. It might take a week or so but it should come right.

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 21:43

Just keep reinforcing what you're doing now..over and over and over again. If he hits you, say "no" firmly, put him down and walk away. I would ignore the crying too if it's 'angry' crying - as opposed to 'upset' crying.

You're already doing the right thing, you just have to persevere til it sinks in. We say to ds2 " screaming and shouting doesn't make nice things happen" - he's 4, so easier to reason with than a 15 month old but I think the key is not to reward bad behaviour with any kind of attention - say no and walk away.

morningpaper · 02/02/2006 21:44

playpens are MARVELLOUS!

biglips · 02/02/2006 21:44

recorrect it - i go out of the room and come back to dd and i just carry on..no cudddles

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 21:45

It is so like training horses, isn't it, mp. You have to break their spirit, 'til they come crawling back to you, crushed, cowed and compliant

(that's almost a joke, peeps, before I get lynched)

Aloha · 02/02/2006 21:48

Agree with Blu. Low key, no warning, instant calm response of no attention. Ignore the crying. Don't cuddle. Just go back to normal behaviour. The idea is to teach him that hitting leads to VERY BORING things happening, so is not worth it. He isn't trying to hurt you, he is - as you say - looking for your interesting reaction, like a scientist. He is seeing what happens, and if the same thign happens every time. The boring approach works eventually. Esp at this age.

morningpaper · 02/02/2006 21:49

SorenLorensen I totally agree

You've got to break their spirits

You need to be totally in control

I can just LOOK at dd and make her cry

p.s. SorenLorensen I very much like your name and wish I had thought of it first

biglips · 02/02/2006 21:50

i always say "Oowwwwww" and dd looked at me with a shock face and it actually upsets her, then she stopped... but she start again later on though!

Blu · 02/02/2006 21:50

Beansprout - personally, i wouldn't overly respond to the crying, buut i wouldn't be treating him as if he was in 'punishment time' either, as I think he's too young. i would be matter of fact and treat him kindly buut casually, if that makes sense. I suspect that the crying is a version of the atention-attracting hitting, and he gets worked up. perhaps I would talk to him in a re-asuring way, or pat his head in passing, but not do a whole 'oooh poor baby' thing.

For me, the important thing is soimply to re-inforce that you don't get freindly attention, or entertainment by hitting, rather than get into 'punishment'. It's a fine line.

Aloha · 02/02/2006 21:51

I agree wtih Blu, punishment not at all appropriate at 15months.

Blu · 02/02/2006 21:52

x-posted with Aloha, slow typing on DP's laptop. We are of one mind!

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 21:52

Ds2 is proving much more resistant than ds1...but I have my methods...hahahahaaaaa

It's such a good name isn't it? I thought of it in bed one night at about 1am and had to fight the urge to run down, log on and 'bags' it, in case someone else thought of it too.

Blu · 02/02/2006 21:53

We are each others' ventriloquists dummies!

Original poster

beansprout · 02/02/2006 21:54

Thanks everyone esp Blu and Aloha, that sounds like an approach that would work well for us. You wise women you

OP posts:

morningpaper · 02/02/2006 21:55

SorenLorensen without The Smack, one needs serious weapons at one's disposal

I'm a bit Victorian but I find bad behavior mortifying

I'm v. jealous that I didn't bags the name first

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 22:03

The other thing, beansprout, is that it will take time - ds2 was a biter (mostly me, thankfully, and occasionally his poor brother - never another child) and I did all the 'right' things and none of it really made a difference. I think he was too little to remember and would bite almost instinctively when he was over tired or over excited. As he got bigger, the biting incidents got further and further apart and then he just stopped.

That's not an "ignore it and he'll grow out of it", you should still do the ignoring the bad, praising the good stuff- but I think, particularly as he is so little, as he gets more mature and able to express himself it will become less frequent.

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