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My 10 year old....aaarrrggghhhhh

19 replies

squashedbanana · 21/03/2012 20:15

Sorry, just need to vent and let off steam. She's a sweetie don't get me wrong but BOY does she have an attitude!

If she is pulled up on her behaviour she seems to think she is then justified in being as rude, sneery and obnoxious afterwards in retaliation. If she is asked why she is behaving in the way she is, her response is always 'because I want to', that's if she deigns to answer instead of glaring and cursing you with her eyes

Is anyone else's child like this? How do you deal with it?

OP posts:
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BellaTalbert · 21/03/2012 20:31

My dd is nearly ten and i have the same problems. I have to be really creative with punishments sometimes these work sometimes not. If I behaved this way to my parents I would have been smacked silly however I don't believe in smacking. As a single parent I do struggle and I hate the looks and the stroppiness I really believe that girls this age today act like hormone filled teenagers.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 21/03/2012 20:53

Oh god you are describing my nearly 9 year old.
She is an absolute nightmare at times just now. She is such a lovely girl usually and brilliant for everyone else but at home she can be awful.
I really wish I knew what the solution is.

amistillsexy · 21/03/2012 21:09

Give them a consequence, not a punishment.

Stayed out later than she/he should? Consequence is you don't go out at all tomorrow/next time.

Spoke unpleasantly to Mum? Consequence is that you stay with Mum for 15 minutes and help with whatever job mum has just made up was going to do next (sorting socks or peeling potatoes is a favourite with me!).

The consequences should be 'natural' as much as posible (ie linked to the misdemeanor), and the child should be told clearly: 'I don't appreciate you doing that because...and the consequence of you doing that will be...'

The consequence needs to be done with a parent, not to be sent away from the family (time out just gives time to brood and plot and feel justified and hard done by at best. At worst, it makes a child feel left out and unwanted. The child is expected to 'sort themselves out', which as we all know is very hard when you feel angry and frustrated).
The consequence needs to be given in a matter of fact and pleasant manner. Don't get angry or lose it. Stay friendly. Let the child know you are unhappy with their behaviour, but also that you are in charge (and that includes being in charge of your own feelings!). If they argue, complain or refuse, that's fine. They can always do their consequence when they are ready. Let them strop off, but they must do their consequence before they come back 'into the fold'.

The flip side of this is lots of family time. Lots of honest praise and discussion about things that interest the child. Lots of conversation, and attention. It is important that children know and understand what their family's values are, and that they are a key player in that family.

Also, lots of praise and attention when t hey do the things you want them to, so when the child comes in on time, make a fuss of it, thank the child and point out why you are pleased with them (and avoid the temptation to allude to other times when they haven't done the right thing!).

GIJane324 · 22/03/2012 13:08

I've had to start using those techniques with my 10 yr old. we have a traffic light system, he has an laminated paper version of a traffic light, if he gets green all is well, if he gets orange that's a warning, if he gets an orange and he sorts himself out, the orange comes down and he gets a green, if he gets an orange and doesn't sort himself out he then gets a red. reds are behaviours you can't ignore, like pushing or hitting. with the reds he gets a consequence, if he doesn't accept the consequence and calm down he then gets another, if this time it doesn't work try 5 mins time out and explain that he only has to calm down so that you can talk about it together and sort things out. you can decide how many greens gets him a reward, and can set this amount to a daily or weekly amount which ever best suits your child. rewards for the daily amount can be something like getting to stay up a little longer etc... i have only been doing this since monday, but i think slowly we are getting some where. he has rebelled against it a little, but it is a system that you can teach others in your family to use very easily, as i have with mine.

valiumredhead · 22/03/2012 14:54

The only way that works is to keep deathly calm with ds and say ' Look, it's completely up to up wether you want to behave like this but if you continue you will be losing your x box/going to your room/not going out to play etc'

Keeping calm is key and not reacting to the dramatics definitely helps.

valiumredhead · 22/03/2012 14:56

Oh yes and agree with amistillsexy coming in late means not going out tomorrow - and basically everything else that was posted too!

squashedbanana · 22/03/2012 15:55

Brilliant advice, thank you! It has given me an insight into why time out doesn't always work. I'm going to start putting those things into practice, I can see having chores as consequences motivating her pretty quickly into bucking up!

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 22/03/2012 16:07

The only other thing I do is have zero tolerance on all rude back chat - I just will not tolerate it so he goes to his room if that starts. He has learned to keep calm and speak nicely Wink

FiveHoursSleep · 22/03/2012 16:13

It's completely normal I'm afraid. Keep calm, don't take it personally but point out the effects ( annoys people, less likely to get their own way/ causes trouble).
The best course of action is sometimes to just walk away and let everyone calm down.

amistillsexy · 22/03/2012 16:58

Valium, are you me, in a parallel universe?
Grin

valiumredhead · 22/03/2012 16:59

ami sock puppetry? Shock Wink

squashedbanana · 22/03/2012 17:00

I started a zero tolerance policy on backchat valium, the result was she spent the next two weeks spending more time playing in her room than downstairs with everyone else! I hardly ever saw her, I'd send her to her room and at the end of the time out she'd decide to stay in there. Come downstairs, more backchat, back to her room! I think she enjoyed it up there, although she is incredibly stubborn. I am going to try with the consequences, she'll hate taking the rubbish out or sorting the washing

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 22/03/2012 17:08

Does she not do chores anyway OP? I wouldn't make the chores a punishment as such as you'll never get her to co operate with normal house hold stuff because she'll see it all as a punishment.

amistillsexy · 22/03/2012 17:31

If being in her room is more interesting than being with the family and being civil, then it is too inviting!
I would explain to her that staying in her room as an alternative to being polite to you is not how you want things to be.
In my house, a child who did that would no longer have anything in her room to entertain her. She would have a box containing 4 items to 'play' with, and access to them would be dependant on her being civil. The rest of the time, she would either be with me in the kitchen or watching my choice on TV, or she could read a book in the living room, play with siblings, etc.

It wasn't easy putting my DS's Lego Ninjago Fire Temple in a box to go in the attic, especially as he was screaming how sorry he was at the time, but it had to be done, as when I asked him to move it so I could dust underneath it, he refused. When I insisted, he shouted at me that he likes his room the way it is. The fact is, I don't . And it's my house, so the (treasured) toy went in the attic for a week and he spent time with me, dusting and hoovering around the house. When we'd finished, we both had hot chocolate,
he apologised properly, and he was very pleased to get his toy back a week later.

I know this is harder with older children. My niece is 14, and spends alot of time here. I have had my share of eye rolling and backchat, but I give her consequences as well, so if she makes a sarky comment, I'll say 'I don't like you saying that to me. You may think it, but it is impolite to say it. I'm cooking your tea now, but I'd really like to sit down with a cup of tea. Your consequence for being rude to me is that you'll make us both a cup of tea and then we can sit down together and ...'

I'm trying to convey the idea that you are not punishing, you are giving the child the opportunity to make things right again, or to explain to you what's wrong, without pushing them away.

amistillsexy · 22/03/2012 17:44

I think the key is that whatever the consequence is, it is linked to whatever the child has done, and it is done with the adult. It is not a punishment.

A consequence is showing the child that his/her behaviour has consequences, repercussions (but sometimes, these are a bit hard to pin down, so we make them more tangible). A punishment is being made to do something by someone more powerful than you, which will breed resentment.

So, you would only use 'take out the bins' if, for instance, your DD refused to put her rubbish in the bin, and you would explain why...'DD, I feel angry when I see that you leave your rubbish around, as I like a clean house and I don't like having to pick up other peoples' tat. Please put it in the bin.' If she says no, you say 'DD, that's not fair. As a consequence of you not dealing with your own rubbish, you'll have to deal with everyone else's now!' Then you get her to come with you, and together you take the rubbish out, and point out (nicely!) why it's important that we all pull our weight.

Similarly, you would use sorting the socks/laundry if that consequence fit the circumstances-for instance, she stopped you doing it at a convenient time for you...'DD, I had to stop folding the washing to deal with your tantrum/door slamming/whatever, so the consequence for that will be that you come and help me do it now,'

You see, the idea is that you are teaching her to be a good citizen, and take responsibility for the actions she chooses. You want her to act responsibly, not just 'do as she's told', because one day, you won't be there to tell her what to do/how to behave, and she needs to be able to work out the consequences of her choices!

It works best when you can point out the consequence before they do things...'Ds, if you choose to throw that vase and it smashes, the consequence will be that I sell your Fire Temple on Ebay and use the money for a new vase'...make sure it's something you're prepared to do, in case they call your bluff!

amistillsexy · 22/03/2012 17:45

Blush I'll stop now!

valiumredhead · 22/03/2012 17:46

You ARE me! Shock Wink

amistillsexy · 22/03/2012 17:48
Grin
5madthings · 22/03/2012 17:54

what valium and amistillsexy have said, it has to be zero tolerance, mine go to their rooms, my eldest is 12 (will be 13 this summer) and rudeness, backchat etc is not tolerated and they go away until they can be pleasant and civil.

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