How do you do constructive discipline with an infant?? please help!

[norvegicus]

Hello! This is the first time I've posted anything so bear with me pls! What i want to discuss is a general theme on how to understand my PFB, Luke, who is 11 mths, and how to implement the many "discipline" strategies im interested in. Eg i dont want him to cry, obviously, but the only way he finally learnt to commando crawl was by letting him get really cross + frustrated, + working it out for himself, because as long as i kept picking him up he didnt see the need to crawl himself! Does that make sense?
What im interested in now is starting to put in place boundaries, eg not hurting others(accidentally or intentionally), going to sleeping by himself when its time, + encouraging him to tell me what he wants. Im finding hard to describe what im after. Basically is keeping him from crying at any cost the right thing to do? I need him to fall asleep by himself as he wont sleep in my bed- he wants to be in his cot. He doesn't BF( long story). All i can do is sing etc to soothe him. Sometimes he's fine but there are always going to be times when he struggles. I dont know what to do.
Similarly in the day he wants to do what HE wants to do. no surprise there. but how can i show him that diving off the bed, pulling my hair, chewing the hoover etc are not things I want him to do? I dont want to constantly say "No, No,No" its boring, doesnt achieve anything, + I feel he'll just stop listening + come to associate "No" with interesting stuff.
I've read a lot of stuff (maybe too much!) recently about toddler discipline through talking + explaining (eg the RIE stuff- Magda Gerber) + emotional literacy- acknowledging the kids feelings not just shutting them up. This approach seems good to me, but how do you do this stuff when he's not talking? Am I being overly optimistic starting so early? Am i missing something really obvious? Is anyone else struggling with these same issues? Please let me know what you think.

I think (but I'm no expert!) that he's too young to "discipline". With a child of eleven months old you are better off distracting him from things you don't want him to do. So if he pulls your hair, give him something else to pull; if he chews the hoover, give him something else to chew. Do you have a treasure basket? This is a great way of distracting a child that age.

A lot of those things sound more like independence rather than discipline. IME, 11 months old is too young to expect too much independence.
As for repeat "no, no, no", if he's doing something potentially dangerous, say no once and remove him from the situation. At the moment, it's not achieving anything because he is too young to understand the possible consequences of his actions. As he gets older, he'll start to grasp what you mean.

At 11 months he won't get reason or rationale for a long time yet. Making it clear you don't want him to do something is the most you can do, by removing him from the situation and reinforcing with "we don't hit" or whatever.

At this age they have zero self control or common sense so if something looks interesting they will want it no matter what you do or say. So just move it.

My opinion (and it's just mine!) is that reasoning approaches are of limited use. A short explanation like "because it hurts" is ok, but anything more definitely makes them switch off. For at least another year, it will be easier just to remove temptation.

Re the crying, they all do it for anger, frustration, boredom, sadness, pain....you cannot stop it ever happening. I would never leave my child to cry, but I wouldn't respond to every whimper either. If you can work out why they are crying you address it in different ways. Re sleeping, you could try just going in to comfort, but don't pick him up. Once he realises he isn't getting out, he will settle himself. May take quite a few goes, but worked ok for us and other people I know

"No" and distraction is all you can do at that age.

Also model behaviour. E.g. I got Baby Goo to stop screeching at me when she wanted something and say 'Mama' in a nice voice by repeating it to her whenever she wanted me to do something.

When he can talk, reflective listening works REALLY well with small children.

Are you bored OP? You sound like you are overthinking this? (I know I'm being rude here, I'm trying to help, honest :))

Also the no-picking up thing spagbol suggested works for us :)

Tbh, you do have to gradually move away from stopping them crying at any cost to a more disciplined approach, but 11mo is very young. My dd only recently starting listening to "no" and she's 2.2.

Obviously sometimes he's going to cry and get frustrated, but that's fine. It won't hurt him - it just won't necessarily teach him anything either.

You're not missing anything, I just think you need to wait a while.

Guys its truly brilliant to have some input, + so instantly. thats what i thought myself but i do overthink things. v reassuring. so to summarise- no + distraction + simple explanation for quite a long while yet, not rushing over at every squeak, then some more structure + reflective listening when he's ready.

Really thanks!!:)

Things were like you describe for me with my pfb. He was a very baby led, laid back baby but the sleep issue did get worse and worse and worse till I was at my wits end and did sleep training/CC. It nearly broke my heart, but I did get a happy babbling baby at 7am.
We also had a very frustrating weekend trying to help him crawl, once he realised what we were trying to show him he was so proud of his new independence!
Discipline has taken it's time to become an issue because he was so laid back, so lots of talking and explaining (and hugs to help him deal with frustration) when he was a bit older has always been enough for him.

The Toddler sense book has been great for helping me understand what is going on with his development and to respond more appropriately/sympathetically to his needs.

He's a baby. The best tactic is distraction and child proofing the house.

As his language skills get better then he will learn how to behave.

OP - apart from the sleeping part I could have written your post.

My 11mo is very very determined, very physically strong and moves very fast. He is gorgeous but absolutely relentless in pursuit of the things he should not touch - his latest obsession is plug sockets. We have baby proofed so our plug sockets can't hurt him but those at other people's houses can!

I have tried everything from a very firm "No - it might hurt you" to moving his arm away while saying "No etc", distracting him etc but he will leave it alone for a few minutes before he heads right back for it. Or he will try and touch it with the other hand as I'm moving away the hand he tried with first. He cries when I say "No" but it's a frustrated cry i.e. because I've thwarted his cunning plan rather than an upset cry at the raising of my voice.

I agree that you begin to feel like all you're doing is making the banned thing more attractive by saying "no".

He is also a nightmare when trying to change a nappy - he simply will not lie still enough for me to change and we end up in a right mess sometimes. He twists his body away. I try to hold him still but am worried I will hurt him.

Good advice on here though and I will try and do more distracting - but it's exhausting. I'm beginning to dread the toddler years.....

TBH, the words "11 month old" and "discipline" in the same sentence have sent a chill up my spine. I think you need to relax, OP. He's a baby and has no concept of being naughty.

I'm not sure there's any need for that comment tryharder. The op is hardly asking for advice on how to beat her 11mo for his disobedience. She was only asking for support and advice from other mums as to the best way and time to start teaching right from wrong. She has been given well thought out advice from other posters which she has acknowledged. Not really any need for you to feel "a chill up your spine" as if this is a really sinister situation or something.

I'm sort of getting to this stage too OP - my DS is 9mo and I don't want to discipline so much as to stop him doing things that may be be harmful to himself or others (in fact it sounds like that's what you're after too - not 'chilling' at all IMO).

The current challenge is trying to stop him pulling the cat's tail!! DH keeps saying 'GENTLY', demonstrating gentle patting and pulling DS away when he isn't gentle, but I'm not sure any kind of message is sinking in (DH disagrees).

Do let me know if you have any breakthroughs :)

cerys74 sooner or later the cat will dish out discipline to your ds!

sloathy our children's centre have decided to get rid of plug socket covers.

Prehaps a better title for is how contain an overactive 11 month old. I think distraction and baby proofing is the way forward. Also giving attention when the child is good and ignoring bad behaviour as far as is safe to.

My two year old thinks it funny to take her clothes off. She has stripped naked at the school fete and in church. I have found ignoring her and letting her be cold is the most effective way of dealing with her behaviour. Sometimes tactical ignoring is the best way forward.