Please help, I'm on the verge of walking out on my family

[lilacblossom]

I really need some words of encouragement. I have two gorgeous children, a DS of 2.5 years and a DD of 7 months. But at the moment I am having to stop myself from walking out on them and my husband. I feel that I am just useless at childcare and being a wife. The main problem is that my DD doesn't sleep. She goes down in her cot for about 20 minutes at around 7.30pm, then wakes up. I pick her up and comfort her, and think she is sound asleep, but as soon as I put her back in the cot she wakes up and cries. So I've been getting her to sleep on the sofa while I get on with a few things, then get ready for bed and take her into bed with me and sleep holding her in my arms. It's the only way to get any sleep. This is exactly how my DS was at the same age. He sleeps now but he wakes in the night so I take him into bed when I go to bed to save me getting up. My husband works away during the week and at weekends sleeps in the spare room. So it's obviously not ideal. I've just really shouted at my daughter and put her into her cot and she's screaming now but I need some time away from her. My DS doesn't help by being naughty but only with me. Then I lose my temper with him and feel like a horrible, shit mother. Then I get myself into a vicious circle of thinking really negative thoughts like I wish I'd never had them, I found it so boring and demoralising sometimes, I wish I had the guts to just walk out of the house, get on a train somewhere and just leave them or fake my own death. Then I feel horrible and disgusting and think I should just make the most of it as I know I'll look back and wish for them to be little again. My husband has a very high pressure job and this seems to be the justification for him not doing a single thing to help me. At weekends I have to creep around him while he has a rest. I don't know what to do with the kids. They should have their own room but we're moving house yet again soon, then my parents and sister-in-law and her kids are coming to stay for 2 months, so we will all be crammed in one room again, so what's the point? Sometimes I think I should go to the GP and say I can't cope but deep down I'm frightened the children will be taken away from me. I don't feel I can discuss this with my husband because he is very stoical and thinks you should just get over mental difficulties and get on with it. Which is perhaps what I should do but I know I need help.

The bits I can help with:

1. Your children will not be taken away just because you're a bit depressed at the moment.

1. They're his kids too, stop pandering to him and make him pick up the slack. His job only happens for 8-10 of the 24, your's is 24/24 with no lunch or coffee break.

And bump for someone better equipped to help!

I sympathise. My DH has a high pressure job and is basically not around durng the week. If I am lucky he doesn't work weekends.

BUT he busts a gut to help at the weekend and will try to work overnight so he can spend time with the kids. He will let me have lie ins at the weekend.

Your DH needs to step up - he is not a flatmate but their father!!!

Of course you need help - you sound exhausted! My youngest only started sleeping through a short while ago and I am already starting to feel much more human!

Why are your family coming for 2 months? Are they the helpful sort?

First of all - you are not a bad person. You are struggling due to a lack of sleep, time away from your kids and little help from your DH. You are exhausted and not thinking straight.

You don't appear to have mental health probs - anyone would feel knackered and demoralised in your position.

You need to get your DH to help you more - high pressure job or not. Then once you feel up to it, you need to work on getting your kids to sleep in their own beds. Go to the sleep section on these boards for advice. It won't be easy but they will sleep eventually. At 7 months they are still so unsettled so she may settle down a bit if you keep putting her in the cot. Alternatively just co sleep with them both - not everyone's cup of tea but sometimes easier, though won't give you much time to yourself, which is what you seem to need.

Have you got anyone to help you out, give you a break, just share the burden and a chat with, have a glass of wine? Just get stuff off your chest/ Use these boards to offload.

It will get better.

Go to your G.P. and get some help. Go tomorrow. There are services especially for mothers of young children (perinatal psychiatry). Taking children away from their parents is a very last resort.

Tonight, take courage from the fact that you've managed a difficult job without walking out so far. I know many mothers including myself who have slept with the children, and DH in the spare room, for the first year or more, simply because this is the only way to get any sleep. You're not alone in this.

You just need a break. Can you pay for some childcare during the week while your DH is away? A few hours to yourself will make all the difference. Be easy on yourself. Having 2 DC under 2.5 is very hard work indeed.

Oh my love, cannot leave this unanswered. I am actually in tears reading this, which is fecking useless you need some constructive advice.

Right, number one, you are in no way a shit mother. Christ, I cannot imagine going through what you are and you need a bloody rest. You have put your children first for a long time and they love you dearly, honest.

Two, go and see your GP. I don't know if you have post natal depression, but anyone in your circumstances would be feeling down.

Three, speak to your husband. You CANNOT be expected to take all of this on alone. Your 'job' is as, if not more, pressurised than his. Seriously. It's insane that you are doing all of this alone and he needs to realise that you need support.

Do you have anyone to help you? My first option would be to get a mother's help for an afternoon (or five!) a week. But if money isn't free- as for most of us - then what about your local surestart? They often have people that can offer a break and get someone to support you.

Ah my love, I am thinking of you. Big hugs online, please don't be too hard on yourself xxx

Sure someone with much more helpful advice will be along soon! x

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

Sleep deprivation is a killer! None of mine settled in the evening until they were around one and that is much more difficult than it appears. Whatever people suggested - controlled crying, co-sleeping - my children would wake and I have memories of not driving because I was almost hallucinating. It did get better is all I can say. You need to get your husband to give you a break. You do not have mental problems, you are sleep deprived!

My dh has a high pressure job, too and I've had 4 dcs pretty close together, so I really feel for you as all you say is sooo familiar.

Hold on in there - this time will pass, really it will. When you catch yourself thinking really desperate thoughts, hold on to that fact. In five years everything will be so much better. Now, at nighttime especially, you will probably just say back to yourself through gritted teeth, "And what good does that do me in getting through TONIGHT?!", but at least you know that it's the exhaustion and desperation talking, it's not you.

Now, you need support. Point out to your dh that you are supporting him in his high pressure job by giving him some rest at the weekend. Your job is really high pressured at the moment, and you are on call every night as well as working long shifts through the day. Keep it unemotional; stick to those facts. Ask if he could support you by giving you a regular break every weekend. Up to you if you want to ask for a lie-in on Sunday morning or the whole of Saturday morning or afternoon off to get out of the house. Whatever you feel comfortable asking for; you know your situation. But don't wait for him to ask, because he doesn't understand what it feels like for you, and he never will because it doesn't look like he'll be able to try it himself at any point.

Lastly, it's good to leave the baby to cry a short time when you don't feel you can cope; only next time try to do it before the shouting. :) Otoh, I've done it, we've all done it, don't feel bad. It's fine to have them sleeping with you for a while - my babies didn't have a good nighttime routine till they were over 1 and then came regularly into my bed (when dh was away especially) until they were 4 or 5. Don't feel you're doing it wrong; just get the best sleep you can.

This too will pass...

Small bit of advice to offer - try wrapping your DD in a blanket when you cuddle her back to sleep - then put her down still wrapped in it - it's often the sensation of cold against their backs that wakes them back up. Alternatively, put a hot water bottle in the cot when she's not in it, then remove it and put her in its place to sleep.

And remember - if her crying is really getting to you and you can't cope - check that she is not ill, too hot, too cold or absolutely starving, and then leave her safely in her cot, close the door to the room she's in, close the door to the living room (put your toddler to sleep down there if necessary) and put some music on and make a cup of tea. She will not come to any harm from crying alone whilst you take a bit of time out to relax. (I did this a few times with my DS when I felt I couldn't cope with him endlessly crying and each time he ended up asleep by the time I'd finished my tea - but even if your DD isn't you'll be better able to cope)

Thanks, everyone, for your replies. You're all right - I have to get my husband to help me out more. And I think I will just have to have a look at my budget and squeeze out enough to get someone to come in and look after the children for a couple of hours a week so I can get a mental rest. (It's the mental rather than the physical exhaustion that gets to me.)

EverybodysSleepyEyed - the family are coming for so long because they're from abroad (my husband's family). Yes, they're helpful but it will be hectic!

LittleMilla - don't cry, you'll make me cry!! Seriously, I do feel a lot better having read everyone's replies. I will start afresh tomorrow and be proactive about regaining control of everything!

Thanks again, everyone. I feel so much better for having offloaded the above. x

You need a break, and then you're right, you need some help.

Talk to your DH this weekend when he's back. Sit him down and spell out quite how much you're struggling to cope and then take the day off. He can be as stoical as he likes - the reality is different, and you must make him see that. Show him your post, maybe? You have to have a break from them - that is essential for the whole family's well-being, not just yours. Just a few hours sat in the cinema or meeting a mate or anything really - get yourself out of the house and away for a good few hours. Then - he helps over the weekend, and he properly helps.

And then, when you're a bit stronger, tackle the sleep thing - there are lots of threads on MN with advice and support. It's doable - it won't always be like this.

And then - WTF are you doing having family to stay for 2 whole months? Cancel them - you can't cope with it at the moment. Just be firm and honest and tell them the score. Whatever's prompting them to come - it will have to change. I can't imagine it's more important than your mental health.

Deliberate sleep deprivation is apparently outlawed as a method of interrogation by statutory authorities eg military and police and it is classed as torture..yet most , if not all, Mums in your situation not only have to endure the grinding fatigue of sleeplessness, but care for irrational and tempremental little beings, organise a household and still have something left over to sing 'Miss Polly had a Dolly' with a beaming smile whilst wiping sick up AGAIN.

So firstly, don't be too hard on yourself, because the majority on Mumsnetters have been there too, and got through relatively unscathed.

I think others have made valid points...

Some time away, just a few hours a week, would be invaluable for your sanity.

Your DH may well have a stressful job, but need to pull a bit more weight anyway - you are at your wits end.

Think about asking him clearly to do specific things and explain why your asking..."Please will you do the washing up/ take DCs for a walk for half an hour/ sort out that pile of laundry because I have to bath a baby/put a toddler to bed/ have ten minutes to myself" or "I need you to help me in ten minutes by rocking the baby/ reading a story/hoovering downstairs please..."
Or write him a letter explaining in a non whingey way how you feel and what you would like him to do to help the whole family.

Can I recommend the 'Sixty Minute Mother' (there's a sixty minute father too! ) which is a really affirming book and I think would make you feel a whole lot better as well as giving you some strategies to cope with this exhausting stage too. Finding a sympathetic GP or Surestart would be good too.

And it does get easier..I know you feel the end may not be in sight yet, but it does get loads and loads better when they are through the really small stage. x

I cried because my DH works away in the week and I felt stupid for being a bit teary looking after just DS - which I find bloody tough. Reading your post made me feel selfish but also sympathetic - it's ruddy hard!

My DH doesn't get much choice about listening to me whinge , but agrees to a morning off every week or two means I can sleep or go to an exercise class (depending on how I feel) makes the WORLD of difference. I come home happy to see DS, rather than waking up dreading the day.

Do you get out to classes/play groups with the kids? I am slightly mental and need to see other people almost every day otherwise I go nuts (which prob explains my MN addiction too!). But I appreciate most aren't as odd as me...but yes, get out.

Oh, and re: sleep. I will get told off for this. But my DS didn't sleep for any length of time until I put him to sleep on his tummy. Just putting that one out there...

xx

Ha! I did the tummy thing, too, with dc2. And the risk of cot death has receded by 7mo, so really no problem. But dd would probably roll into that position herself by now?

It's horrible when dh is away and we're doing it by ourselves, isn't it? Just so intense. And it's difficult for the dcs, too, which is why I think you shouldn't be trying to get them to stay in their beds.

DH is away at the moment for 3 weeks, and ds, who is 4, comes in to my bed every night. (At least he can walk there himself now!) Only, in a huge kingsize bed, he tucks himself as close to me as he can, shares my pillow and digs his knees into my back! :o And I don't even notice for an hour or two; then wake up feeling a bit bruised and push him to the other side!

Do your two sleep ok when they're in your bed, or chat/pat your face/kick each other/wind each other up, lilac?

Where are you? If you are in London, I'd gladly meet you for a coffee and a natter, if you like. I know it doesn't solve your immediate problem, but it might be a bit of company.

Hassled - the family aren't coming till June, so it's not an immediate threat, and I can't cancel them as they only come once a year and it's their chance to spend time with the children. But thanks for the concern! And you're right, I need to talk to my DH about how I feel.

timetosmile - I'll try that Sixty Minute Mother - thanks for the recommendation.

Little Milla - yes, we go to playgroups most days, so that is a brief window of sanity! Sorry you're finding it hard too.

lostmywellies - the kids actually sleep OK when we're all in bed together, so perhaps I should stop angsting about that as it does work.

Olivetti - would love to meet up with you but I am about as far away as it gets in the north-east! Thanks all the same. It makes me feel better anyway to know that strangers care!

Anwyay, folks, I'm now going to look at my finances and see if I can get someone in to look after the little cherubs for a morning a week. I think it will make me feel a whole lot better. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your concern and tips. x

Im glad you're feeling more positive! Being totally exhausted is rubbish + its not surprising you've been feeling so low. Im really lucky having my partner at home with only 1 littleun, + i get worn out so i just cant imagine how u manage. i was feeling a bit frayed yesterday but reading your post made me realise ive got nothing to grumble about!! One thing i can recommend is to see if theres a branch of Homestart nr you. Its a volunteer organisation that provides mothers helps to people having a hard time. If you ask your gp or health visitor they can refer you or maybe get you some respite childcare. The other thing i want to say is i really felt for you when you say you feel like your a bad mother + have all those dark thoughts + feelings. Please try not to beat yourself up. There is help out there, and you've done fantastically well coping so far. I cant find the words i want, but hang in there, your doing it, its working. I think you're right just to go with what works on the sleeping thing. You can fix that when you're less knackered. I dont know what else i can say really, apart from well done for posting that message! Ive found it so encouraging to get support from other mums even when you dont know them. Sometimes all you need is to be heard. Keep talking! Im sure im not alone in saying we're with you + want to hear how you get on. good luck!!

Hi,

Sorry your having such a hard time :( I couldn't imagine going through that for so long!

For daytime naps I still need to try every trick in the book to get him to sleep, he's normally in his bouncer being voiced with the vibrate on, holding a blankie or me, dummy in mouth, lullaby playing and me shhhing him before he finally drifts off after about 20-30 mins! Does go down at night well now thank god!

I uses to put a blanket in his cot, heat it up with the hairdryer and keep the hairdryer on, wrap it round him and after about 10 mins turn it to low then eventually off.

At night now I wash/bath and get him into his sleepsuit, give him most of his bottle then into sleeping bag and he gets the rest. Then I go put him in his crib, if it's a good night he's already sleeping or he might take his dummy and a blankie and I'll put the music on his baby monitor (he loooves his mobile bit that's for playtime) and hell eventually drift off.

Hope you manage to get some help, my lo is only 12 weeks but he was 9 weeks before he's settle and 10.5 weeks before he'd sleep more than 3 hours - now he'll sleep 8.30-7am?

lilac good luck with finding childcare. I know quite a few Child Minders who will provide a few hours care a week, if they have a space. I am asumming too that if your DH has a highly pressured job he also has a good salary to go with it?

Oh btw don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself. I just mention this as I have experience of comments such as 'oh, why do you need childcare when you stay at home all day' etc

Wow, I hope you manage to talk to your dh about it all. Mind you, my suggestion would be to stop creeping around at the weekends! My dh gets his lie in on a Sunday and manages to sleep through all sorts. Perhaps your dh should just get up and help if he can't sleep through the noise?

Please don't feel bad about leaving the baby to cry If you need to - I did that with my ds a number of times because otherwise I would have exploded! In fact he's 2 1/2 now and I still sometimes have to leave the room if he's winding me up...

I think half the battle is deciding what to do so hopefully you will feel better now you are making a plan.

I've been in a very similar situation. The only thing that stopped me walking out was knowing there was nobody to come in and look after my kids!
My first step was to phone the HV to come round for a chat. She got me an appointment with the right GP who was brilliant and offered AD's and anxiety meds later on. She also offered to get my 2yr old into the children's centre nursery group to give me a break.

When I just had ds1 with terrible sleep my HV at the time came out and helped me do sleep training - 10days later he was sleeping through the night. You can't do that on your own though, your DH needs a reality check e.g "what's more important - your wife's mental health or your job?"

You need to get out the house at least once a week on your own for some time to yourself to excercise or relax, or both.

Lilac blossom I'm about a year on from you but have the same age gap.
It does get easier but I still struggle at times.
Where you are at the moment just do anything you need to get through it, including getting sleep anyway possible. So please don't feel bad about it
I have a great dh but it often doesn't even occur to him how much I struggle, so now I have decided to just spell it out to him, otherwise resentment can build up.
The way you're feeling is the way lots of others are feeling too, so take some comfort from that. Just keep going, get out the house, get rest and this will help.

I have a 13 year old she is so disrespectful and always calling me names and I am really scared of her i am on the urge of walking out on her because I just feel like giving up can someone please help