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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Not sure who is worst behaved, me or DS.

17 replies

badmumalert · 20/03/2012 10:38

I am struggling with my 3yr old DS. I say that I am struggling because I am not responding well to his poor behviour.

His behaviour is variable. He can be a little angel sometimes but more often than not he does naughty things. This morning DH and I had a chat with him and we said that certain things would be taken away from him until his behaviour improves and there are certain other treats over Easter that may be withdrawn. An hour later we are on the way to nursery. He ran in front of a moving car. He was very lucky the car stopped. As we waited for the door to open he bit me, stamped on my feet, hit me, screamed etc. I discreetly told him what I thought and I am ashamed that I said some unhelpful things to him.

I don't know how to go back to square one with him. He is perfect at nursery apparently; one of the very best behaved children with impeccable manners. I am confident that I am his favourite person in the world and yet he revels in doing the opposite to what I ask. He has a 'what you gonna do about it?' way about him. He used to be very respectful towards DH but he is taken to hitting DH and DH is a no-nonsense type so I can't believe he would risk the immediate.

I'm supposed to reward good behaviour and ignore bad behaviour, right? So do I ignore him trying to get himself run over, and hurting me? Do I have to praise him for every minute he is well behaved? How do I do that? I already point out the good things he does and how hard he tries. We have found sticker charts unhelpful.

I'm at my wits end. I love him very very much but I am not enjoying him.

OP posts:

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Original poster

badmumalert · 20/03/2012 10:39

Third paragraph re: DH makes no sense - just trying to say surprised that DS would try it on with DH given that DH takes no nonsense and immediately punished e.g. sends him upstairs or withdraws a treat.

OP posts:

CharlieBoo · 20/03/2012 13:34

Hi, I could have written this post abut my dd, who will be 3 in May. As gorgeous and lovely as she is on the whole, a lot of the time she just point blank refuses to do anything I ask her. For e.g, getting dressed, getting shoes on, doing her hair, walking nicely, not running off, not undoing her seatbelt when the car is moving...you get the picture? Doing simple tasks is like pulling teeth with her, so you are not alone....I have no answers I'm afraid, just sympathy. We have tried ignoring (you can't ignore everything, I agree), time out, naughty step etc, but she is simply so strong willed she doesn't care. She does something naughty and takes herself into time out!!! Today has ben a good day, she's been delightful round the supermarket helping me, but its just so unpredictable. I think its age tbh and they will grow out of it...when I don't know!!!

DeepThought · 20/03/2012 13:46

Firstly strap or reins

He has no idea of passage of time so easter is way too far away to be threatening him with

Rugby ball hold means he cannot bite kick stamp or bite you, use it

Original poster

badmumalert · 20/03/2012 22:19

Thanks for your support CharlieBoo.

DeepThought - rugby ball hold - do you think I can do that in public without looking wierd?

OP posts:

youarekidding · 20/03/2012 22:25

You'll only look like the others mums/ dads carrying children like rugby balls at the same time

I think this is probably a storm you'll have to ride - but agree with straps/ reins.

Star charts may work for immediate. So he has to earn a treat you'll take away iyswim? So instead of no X at easter. It's you get a star for this and after 5 stars you'll get x on y day.

DeepThought · 20/03/2012 22:29

of course you can do it in public, little toerag wriggling away under your arm, you do the raised eyebrow

tbh I didn't care how weird I looked with mine, he was safe and I wasn't hurt

(shan't tell you about the day he refused to wear shoes and so stomped all the way to preschool in his stocking feet, arf, that DID engender some teeth sucking from folk)

Weissbier · 21/03/2012 09:28

He is too young to be able to connect things like bad behaviour now = loss of privileges at Easter. Any punishments need to be immediate - not even ten minutes later. I would also keep it very simple, e.g. if he is hitting you, stop everything (regardless of whether it's discreet or not) and say DS, we do NOT hit, it hurts, now say sorry to Mummy, etc.

Agree about the reins as he is also too young to be able to remember about running out into the road all the time.

I also find it helpful inwardly to repeat "hold your nerve, hold your nerve" - you need to give him the impression of total conviction. Anyway, if he is an angel at nursery, sounds to me like you're doing great. He is only three and pushing boundaries is part of his normal development. I don't mean you shouldn't tell him off, of course you should or he can't learn, but pick your battles and don't let it get you down.

mrspepperpotty · 21/03/2012 13:42

OP, please don't call yourself a bad mum! You are doing your best, which is the most anyone can ask for.

You are dealing with typical 3-year-old behaviour - 2-year-olds are famous for their tantrums, but I think 3-year-olds can sometimes be harder to deal with as they know exactly how to push your buttons!

Remembering that his behaviour is not rational (ie misbehaving even though he knows he will be punished) but is normal may help you to stop getting so frustrated with him.

I think 'ignoring' bad behaviour means recognising that some behaviour is for attention seeking reasons, so withdrawal of attention can be a good response. I agree you can't ignore running into the road or trying to hurt you or another child. Try to deal with this calmly and consistently. Don't expect it to stop overnight, but keep addressing it as best you can. It will get better eventually!

tillyfernackerpants · 21/03/2012 14:16

I agree with using a strap or reins. I used to let ds1 walk but if he ran off or into the road, then I put the reins on. He didn't like them, so soon stopped and would walk nicely.

I agree with the other poster who said 3 yr olds know what buttons to push to get a response! And I know its unhelpful, but he's pushing the boundaries with you and dh because he's secure in your love for him.

Keep praising the good behaviour - "its so nice when we can play together like this". Ignore the bad where you can, or if you're not comfortable ignoring him then move him from the situation and tell him how his behaviour is making you feel sad/cross - make it about his behavour rather than him iyswim, and hopefully he will soon start to realise how he acts affects how you and dh feel.

Also, you don't say if you have or not but I think you and dh need to decide on an approach together and stick to it. If you're doing one thing, and dh is doing something different that can be confusing for ds.

Good luck, you're not a bad mum, you're doing the best you can! Deep breaths and remember it's just a phase that will pass eventually!

chocolateyclur · 21/03/2012 14:29

Yes to reins. You can also get the Littlelife backpacks - which are more aesthetically pleasing whilst ensuring safety.

They definitely know what buttons to press. I am sometimes astounded by how well DS knows me in terms of what leads to a reaction. And whilst I realise that I shouldn't give him the reaction he wants, that's pretty difficult.

You're not a bad mum at all - you're the Mum of a threenager! Mine's four soon. Crossing my fingers that something will magically happen on his birthday.

tillyfernackerpants · 21/03/2012 14:49

It does get easier. Ds1 was exactly the same, he's now 6 and will give me cuddles, tell me how much he loves me, and will actually listen to me. He still manages to leave his lego all over the floor though

noseynoonoo · 21/03/2012 22:26

Thank you everyone for your support.

Things have moved on. As I said, I had said something 'unhelpful' to him yesterday. Late afternoon he repeated it to me and then burst into tears. Not his usual tears for affect or tantrum tears but real sadness and upset. We had a good cry together.

Today he has been an angel. There have been so many actions to praise. He has enjoyed being good and I've enjoyed being with him. I know that one swallow does not make a spring but I am hopeful we can move on.

Fingers crossed. I'll let you know if tomorrow is more of the same or a return to normality.

noseynoonoo · 21/03/2012 22:28

The more eagle-eyed may notice that I name-changed. I was so ashamed of my initial behaviour.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 21/03/2012 22:30

I also talk to myself when dealing with particularly shitty behaviour from the DDs. I do it out loud and it gets their attention too!

"I am the grownup, you are the child, and I AM IN CHARGE"

"I am bigger than you and you have to listen to me"

Etc

tillyfernackerpants · 21/03/2012 23:11

nosey, well done on the breakthrough! I think sometimes they need a shock to get through to them how they can make us feel. He'll probably still have his moments but as you said, hopefully now you've both turned a corner

DeepThought · 21/03/2012 23:21

chin up, shoulders back and keep buggering on

this parenting lark is HARD innit

conorsrockers · 22/03/2012 04:01

Don't feel bad. You are a parent, not a robot. All this Supernanny style parenting is lovely but sometimes things have to be laid on a plate, even at 3 - for them to realise just how much their behaviour affects us. Sounds like it worked!, your 3 year old obviously has high empathy to have picked up on it so well. Well done!

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