Post mortem please - what did I do wrong??

[div22c]

Had DD's 4th birthday party over the weekend. It was a soft play party, where a mix of family friends and nursery friends were invited. So I have 3 separate issues I would love to get your opinions on:

1. The nursery list of invitees was obtained from the carers who work there, and I reconfirmed the list with DD. However on the day, when one of the little girls walked in, DD yelled "Why is she here, I dont want her at my party" (I wasn't there at the time, heard of this later from DH, who conveniently wimped out on telling her off and having a potential meltdown in a public place on his hands). I am going to get her to apologise to the other girl at the nursery, but what should I have done differently had I been there? Should I now apologise to the other girl's mum as well?
2. Once the soft play started, DD promptly formed a group wth 2 of the girls and ignored all her other friends. DH gamely climbed into the soft play area and tried to engage them all, but it was clear a couple of them were feeling left out. Aside from asking DD to play nicely with everyone (who conveniently ran off, ignoring me completely) I didn't really step in much. Should I have? I would hasten to clarify that DD is normally a well behaved little girl, but was on her high horse that day, possibly owing to all the attention.
3. Another little guest was misbehaving, latching onto DD, monopolising her, telling the other little girls that she would only play with her. Then after the candle on the cake was blown, she threatened to have a meltdown so the candle had to be relit discreetly in a corner for her to blow out. Then she had to sit next to DD, even though seats on either side were taken, so her mum pulled a chair into a narrow space between DD and the girl on her left and let her sit there. I know I should have stepped in but what could I have said??

Sorry a bit new to organising parties, and feeling a bit of failure after this party. What could I have done differently?

1. Tell your DD off for being rude.
2. Let DC play how they choose to play but step in if they are rude and tell them off.
3. Tell meltdown child there is no candle for her and no room next to DD.

I don't think you did things 'wrong'. That is just what i would have done. I really wouldn't worry so much over it either.

I think it sounds like any normal party to me! Tears, tantrums etc.

Don't worry about it

Not too much advice but sympathy for you! You sound a bit like me - I hadn't done a proper party before DD was 5 (she's the 2nd child) and I was a nervous wreck. I think you are being too hard on yourself and possibly your DD. Other parents wouldn't view it the way you see it and will have moved on to thinking about something else by now anyway.

Your DD and friends are only 4, a new/highly exciting situation like a party may not bring out the best behaviour. Next year they will all be at school and things will be different again.

Suggest treating yourself to a reward for getting through it!

tbh, i would not sweat it. i know it's very tricky being the host, esp to a load of 4 yr olds.

A normally well behaved child can lose it in a party situation. I do think i would have told dd off for being rude. Not shouted tho.

Child who wanted to blow out the candle, i prob would have done the same. It's up to parent of candle child to intervene, same goes with squashing the chair in. No great booboo made by you if the mother of that child chose to fetch a chair and slot the child in.

sorry, just to clarify, i would have done the same as you with regards to letting another kiddy blow out a candle. (not told that child off!!)

I wouldn't worry about it too much - you should tell your DD that saying that was unkind and mean to the other little girl, but TBH it either needs dealing with at the time, unless this is an ongoing behaviour and then reminders about kindness and inclusion etc.

'Normal' behaviour can go out of the window in such a hyped up environment, but unless it was something really shocking, no-one is really going to remember mild naughtiness.
With regard to the little girl pushing in, her Mum should have dealt with that, but maybe this was the best way to avoid her kicking off. Letting her blow out the candle is a bit much though. These are all quite young children though, so I wouldn't expect wall to wall good behaviour.
My DD recently had a soft play party for her 5th birthday and to be honest, I mostly just let them get on with it! I'm looking forward to smaller parties in the coming years though.

Thanks everyone, I was feeling absolutely miserable! DD has already been told off, and will apologise when she next meets the other girl at the nursery. Seems from her disjointed description that the two of them have recently fallen out at the nursery, though I'm still not sure what.

You'll never know - my guess is lego or dressing up shoes

In my limited experience, birthday parties are often fraught, tearful occasions, which my DD does not seem to enjoy at the time, yet will tell me later what a wonderful time she had

My DD had a massive fall out with her best chum over an accidental injury inflicted on her whilst playing 'dentist' with a peg...they love each other again now.

lol DoMeDon. Yes Beamur I hope mine says that too at some point. Right now she's too obsesed with all her birthday presents (she's opened the wrapping for them all, but is being allowed to actually open the boxes and play with them one a day). Thaks all, I feel much better now!

I don't think You need to worry about it so much. I wnt with my just 4 year old daughter at the weekend to a party of a 5 yr old friend of hers in a soft play area. As far as the play was concerned, they all just did whatever they wanted and because the place was so huge, mostly went off in completely different directions. There were no cliques playing together excluding people, but it was a boy's birthday so maybe that explains it.

I would have told your daughter she was not being nice if I were your DH, saying that it would make the other girl sad, when she said it, but not making a big deal about it. Was the other girl sad? A lot of children that age just let it all brush over them, and noone is really surprised if a just 4 year old doesn't have great manners or empathy, it's something they still have to learn. I think it's interesting that she said it though - she must have heard that kind of behaviour modelled somewhere. Maybe the influence of the other meltdown girl who tried to monopolise her?

As far as the other girl blowing the candle, I would have done exactly like doMeDon suggested. Bratty behaviour like that should not be encouraged. Cannot believe her mother. She should have removed her from the situation if she was threatening a meltdown, not pandered to it.

I wouldn't bother with the getting your daughter to apologise/ apologising to the mother thing - as has been said above, it's too late, and making it into a big thing now could make the situation worse. Only if I happened to see the girl's mother would I maybe apologise casually, and say I hoped that it hadn't upset her.

Out of interest, how many children did you invite?

Sorry bugster, I went off to sleep after my last post above. I invited 8 children, plus my DD. It was a mix of age groups (as family friends were included), so 1 baby, 1 toddler, one 2.5 yr old boy, 1 boy and 5 little girls from 3 to 5 yr old.
I would have told my own DD nothing doing if it was her acting up re the candle/ seating. But her mum was pandering to her, so I thought my telling her off might be construed a bit high-handed (overriding the mum's authority and so forth).