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Dd 3.5 plays with herself ALL the time..... empathy or compassion welcome!

21 replies

Longstocking2 · 18/03/2012 17:37

She has her hand permanently down her pants. She's learned not to do it at all when out, she doesn't do it at playschool and she doesn't do it at the table if we refuse food but she does do it a lot of the rest of the time and permanently in bed.
What's worse is she's now humping the furniture too. Footstools, chair seats....
I've spoken to Playschool several times but she's no longer doing it there. They were always very laid back and said she'd grow out of it.
I think I was slow to stop her when she was young because I came from a very religious background which was a bit repressive sexually so in trying to be relaxed about her 'enjoyment' of what she's doing, I ended up allowing her develop what seems a bit of an engrained habit!
Mil has started muttering about professional help but I can't help having an irrational fear that some demented misguided professional will start suspecting dubious causes.

If anyone can give me some ideas about how I can retrain her to do it less I'd be very grateful, I don't like the shame model but it is embarrassing in front of family. She's also extremely strong minded and quite fierce, so she's no pushover.
Any way I'd appreciate ideas but preferably not criticism, I do that to myself enough not to need to be criticised here. Thanks!

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belindarose · 18/03/2012 17:39

My 2.6 yo DD has been the same since her second birthday. No advice, but empathy in droves!

Longstocking2 · 18/03/2012 17:41

Thanks belinda! ds never did it at all and he's a boy! I have friends who often complained of boys eternally self-nurturing. And we have all seen men who self nurture once in a pair of trackie bottoms Grin

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CheerfulYank · 18/03/2012 17:42

You could just say it's something to do in private, like her room?

mrspnut · 18/03/2012 17:42

I would be very firm with her that it's ok to do it but it needs to be done upstairs in her bedroom not in front of other people.

If you are consistent then she might start doing it less especially if she likes the company of others.

Longstocking2 · 18/03/2012 17:43

Yes Cheeeful, thanks, and we do do that exactly but if she's chilling, she's doing it! But we have pushed the privacy model but maybe a bit too late?!
I think that's the way to go though, plus the 'only little tiny girls do that, not grown up girls...'

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Longstocking2 · 18/03/2012 17:44

mrspnut, I think you're right, it's going to be a battle though... like a kind of potty training!
Wine
Thanks

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JuliaScurr · 18/03/2012 17:45

self-nurture
never heard that one before

JuliaScurr · 18/03/2012 17:48

Longstoking2 I think you'll find quite a few big, grown up girls do it....Grin

Longstocking2 · 18/03/2012 17:48

Julia, our euphemism for the humping is "furniture appreciation"
Biscuit

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JuliaScurr · 18/03/2012 17:50

Long Is that why they'r called The Chippendales?

Longstocking2 · 18/03/2012 17:52

"mummy it's all soft and lovely like a roundabout"

Blush Hmm

"mummy I'm playing with her so she won't be lonely."

Brew
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Longstocking2 · 18/03/2012 17:52

Julia, you're good!

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ChildofIsis · 18/03/2012 17:55

My DD discovered the joys of 'self-nurturing' once she was out of nappies, we just maintained a bored expression and explained that we only do those things in private.
It did take a while though, but she doesn't do it in front of anyone now.

CailinDana · 18/03/2012 18:00

I used to teach reception and some of the girls did this a lot. It's pretty normal IMO, they do grow out of it. She clearly understands privacy if she's not doing it at preschool, so every time she does it at home just direct her to her room and say "We pee in the bathroom and we touch ourselves in the bedroom." She'll get the message. Don't embarrass her about it though, there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not the most edifying thing to have to watch all the time :)

nooka · 18/03/2012 18:07

If your dd has stopped at nursery I'd ask what approach they used and try that. I think that they are right though, she will grow out of doing it it all the time in public. My dd has always indulged way more than my ds, I don't think that is terribly unusual. We just reiterated the time and a place message again and again, and it (mostly) worked :)

Longstocking2 · 18/03/2012 22:28

Thanks to everyone for your advice, I appreciate it very much and was a bit stricter with her tonight, I think it'll just take time. But I'm feeling less anxious about it which will help no doubt.

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JuliaScurr · 19/03/2012 10:24

Smile @ long Sunday 17:52

threekidsfourcats · 19/03/2012 13:06

dd has just turned 5 and had been doing that since she was in nappies, obviously just ignored it when a baby, but not like you saywhen she started humping the sofa, i dont make a big deal of it, usually if im with her at the time i just tell her to sit sill and sit up, or if you want to do that then go into you own room, they usually grow out of it around 5 -6 wish it would hurry up cos i keep finding her flaked out on the bed...tbh i at first i thought she was having some sort of fit, then the penny dropped lol

Longstocking2 · 19/03/2012 13:31

It is very reassuring to feel I'm not alone with this behaviour!

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Cloudbase · 19/03/2012 20:14

Please don't worry - I promise by the time she gets to around 5, she'll grow out of it. The thing is, it does feel nice for her.

My DD did it for about a year, all the time, everywhere. I was mortified, but realized after a while that my feelings were to do with my own perceptions of sexuality and what i'd been taught as a child about 'naice' behaviour - but for her, it wasn't to do with sexuality at all - just a nice comforting feeling in her body.

However, I don't think you can make her stop without her feeling that she's doing something wrong - I just used to take DD into her bedroom when she started 'doing her rubbing' (as she used to call it Grin). Then one day I realized that I hadn't seen her do it for ages, and it had just stopped Smile

Longstocking2 · 20/03/2012 16:24

Cloudbase Thanks that is a gloriously comforting post.

May good things come your way today, may the angels smile down on you!

Thanks Grin
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