Has the time come to get help, and if so who from?

[whoshouldItalkto]

My DD is 6 and in yr 1. For the last 6 months or so she has seemed generally out of sorts and unhappy, and we have had problems with her behaviour, particularly:

Anger and tantrums. She gets angry at the slightest criticism or if things don't go her way. She has a major tantrum maybe once or twice a week. This only happens at home or with her family - never at school. We never give in to the trantrums, so gets nothing out of it. She can't seem to give any reasons why she's so unhappy, although she's clearly jealous of her sister (who we certainly do not favour, and is 3, so not a new addition). On the other hand she gets "over the top" excited about things - loud false laughter, shouting etc over something like me getting home.

She will not do as she is asked. Quite often she will just ignore the first few times, and then if I "threaten" a consequence (e.g.take a toy away, no television) she may comply. If she doesn't and I enforce the consequence she gets upset and angry, says it's not fair etc. It's like she wants us to get angry and punish her so she can say we don't care about her. It feels like I'm always on her case and threatening which is horrible.

Academically at schools she's fine. She is much less happy this year than last though. She has struggled a bit with expectations in terms of personal organisation, independence and concentration (her teacher has very high expectations of this and a number of children have struggled) but this is getting much better. Friendships I think are an issue - I think there is some friction beween her and her group of friends, but again it is really difficult to get to the bottom of this. If we have her friends round to tea individually she plays very well with them. The behaviour started before she went to this class though, so don't think this is the only reason.

I hate seeing her so angry and feel like I've failed. There have been no major changes in our family, and she is very much loved and gets plenty of attention. She eats a good diet and I supplement Omega oils. She struggles a bit going to sleep, and tiredness certainly exacerbates this behaviour, but I don't think it's the whole problem by any means. Is it time to ask for help and advice? I don't want to go through the school as wouldn't want her labelled - also as it's not really a problem at school don't think they'd do anything. Also reluctant to go through GP for same reason - some days are fine and I wonder why I'm worrying, then it all kicks off again. Am happy to go private, but who would I contact? Behavioural therapist? Play therapist?

Sorry it's long, and TIA.

Do you think it could be hormonal ie the start of puberty? I know that doesn't help but maybe it's reassuring to think it's just normal. I think lots of parents of year 6 girls are dealing with stroppy, sulky behaviour at times.

Thanks trio - she's 6 years old rather than in year 6. She does behave very like she's hormonal (running out the room crying, slamming doors) but there are no physical signs of premature puberty.

Some children can find the change from Reception/Foundation Stage really difficult to adjust to. There is slightly more emphasis on sitting down working, rather than play based, in your average Year 1 classroom.
If the teacher also has high expectations, that the children should be able to be organised, follow instructions and have a greater level of independence than the child is able to do, that might be making your daughter feel pressured and anxious. Most 5/6 year olds, are still keen on working hard, to please their teacher at this age. School life could be taking a lot of her effort to cope with at the moment. Work load, teacher expectations, friendship dynamics etc, by the time she's had a day of sorting out and dealing with them, she hasn't got any mental energy left and you get the problem behaviour. Mine found the change hard to deal with and were horrible at home at times. I used try to look on the bright side, in at least they were behaving in school.

It is hard work, but keep on doing what you are doing to support her, firm boundaries in regard to behaviour, so she knows what is expected of her.
Let her know you are always there to listen and help with any problems.

( Repeat this sentence often throughout their school life, as they seem to forget!)

Don't feel as though you have failed her, parenting is hard work and you sound as though you are doing a great job with your daughter.

Thanks MrsDanver. I think you're right that school is taking a lot our of her. While she's ot young for the year, she is,I think quite immature in some ways. And it doesn't help that she's tall, looks several years older than she is and has very mature speech - I think people's expectations of her are very high, and certainly I've thought her teacher maybe thinks she's brighter than she is and isn'ty trying. I just feel a bit helpless and don't know how to help her. She's extremely articulate, but can't seem to talk about feelings.

Year One can be quite demanding for some 5/6 year olds, some aren't really at the stage to be more academic and would be really happier back in Reception Class. There is a vast difference in the levels of maturity amongst this age group, if your daughter looks older and talks quite articulately for her age, this could certainly be adding to people's perception about her level of ability and maturity. Her class teacher should by this stage in the academic year, have a clearer idea of her attainment levels , so will be setting work accordingly.

If she is a little bit more 'immature' than some of her classmates and I hate to use the word immature, because its not what I really think they are at this stage, I think some children find it really difficult to fit in, with the expectations that school places on them.
To be able to organise themselves, follow verbal instructions first time, sit in a group on a carpet, not squirming, talking to anyone else or fiddling with the velcro on their shoes, which is more interesting than what the teacher is saying. To have to stop doing what they were finding interesting, because its now time to move on to the next thing, to line up in a straight line. ( same rules about squirming, poking others and not talking apply) To spend more of your day sitting on a chair, is really hard for some little bodies at that age. Then add harder levels of work to cope with and you could end up with a child who doesn't quite know whats what.

If she is finding it very tiring, maybe making sure she has a 'chill out' time when she first gets home. A snack and vegetating in front of the tv for a time, might help her recharge her mental batteries.

Thanks Mrs D. I keep wavering between thinking she's just a bit tired and overwhelmed, and thinking maybe there's something wrong.. So hard to know what's best.

What does her teacher say? I've been in your situation when my DS was the same age (he's in Y2 now). Ask for a meeting with the teacher and go from there. If there's concern from teacher she/he can advise you of the next steps (who to refer her to).

If not, then you can ask your GP to refer her to CAMHS - Child and Adult Mental Health Service. They will work with you both to try and uncover the reason. We went this route and got a lot of support from CAMHS. They worked closely with us and the school and really helped to sort things out for DS.

Thanks Badger. The teacher is very unhelpful. Basically she was extremely negative about DD the first meeting we had and mentioned her lack of concentration, poor organisation general "rabbit stuck in headlights". The onus was very much placed on us to sort it. We had a few meeting in the interim which were variable in what she said. The most recent one basically said all fine, a bit dippy but nothing to worry about. I basically have bvery little confidence in her teachers assessment. She's never commented on, or shown an interest in her social skills with her peers- just said she seemed to get on all right with everyone. However, she's never had tantrums or got angry at school.

Difficult one. May be an issue but to be honest all sounds pretty normal 6 yr old behaviour to me.
My DS has been the same in yr 2 (although also 6), I personally think it's a big leap from 5 to 7, where some peers are much more sophisticated than others, and the less mature ones find it a real struggle between acting like a baby (tantrums etc) and acting up...like a much older child, which is what the more sophisticated ones seem to do.
Also with a younger sibling they tend to go back to 'babyish' behaviour' as they see the young one having successful outcomes from that.
I think they're just struggling with who they are and how they fit, and the bad behaviour naturally comes out at home as they don't want to lose face at school.
I think/hope it all settles down Eventually, but can sympathise with the pain of transition.