7 month old dd wont go on floor or go to anyone else but mum

[DreamyParentoid]

I'm getting a little frazzled by not being able to get things done. I have held dd a lot since she was little and my dh has been working a lot and doesn't take any of the parenting. He is old school and leaves the whole baby bit to me. This isn't likely to change until she is older. He has had children before and is a great dad once they are a bit more verbal.

So I am doing all caring, feeding, sleep routine, breast feeding. She is a delight, very smiley baby, but when awake only wants to be held by me. Sometimes she will go down on the floor and sit looking at something or she is happy to be in her high chair and play with finger food. I do have a sling ridiculously I can't find it. What she really likes is for me to hold her under her arms while she moves about and investigates everything, including almost running around the house from room to room! but she isn't slightly up for crawling or turning over. If you leave her on her back she just cries and cries. She doesn't even like a hint of lying backwards!

I am tired, a little over emotional. I can cope and know it will all work itself out, but am feeling a little loonie and having disappointingly grim conversations with husband where I feel really needy & a deep sadness and he finds that tough to respect or respond to.

Scared I'm messing my dd up with wittery frustrated thoughts and lack of being present with her real needs.

So... erm help :) The main thing is I can't seem to think clearly and just do the logical things that would make my life easier. I can't really remember what they are!

Want to be wonderful cosmic parent - turns out I feel rubbish and am bunging food in her mouth to keep her occupied while I worry!

Hire a babysitter for a few hours and take a break. On a regular basis (ideally, once a week). It will do you good, and the baby too. Four hours hits the spot, in my experience, eg 10am-2pm. You will return refreshed.
Sorry if am stating the obvious. But I needed someone to tell me when I was going through similar with baby no.1. Now I have three, and they are all lovely. But I still take those much-needed breaks!

Your Dh is totally taking the piss - he is her FATHER for gods sake...

don't hire a babysitter - just tell him he is looking after her for a couple of hours and GO OUT! On a regular basis, ideally once a week. It will do you good, it will do your DD good as she will have to start bonding with her FATHER.

sheesh...

BTW, you are a wonderful parent - don't doubt yourself. You need a backpack carrier, so you can pop her in there and get on with what you have to do. Your DD is at the age when she is wanting to explore and can't because she can't walk yet. It must be incredibly frustrating for babies at this age.

also , don't worry about leaving her to cry a bit if she can see and hear you, and you can talk to her.

Hang in there - and get your DH on board with this!

you can occupy her by running a bath and playing in that for a while.

I'll get flamed for it but if your dd likes being upright a baby walker or a jumperoo will save your sanity. You say she plays with her fingers - she does have some toys, right?

Thank you all. Very liberating idea of getting a baby sitter. I'm not sure if getting husband to babysit is going to happen immediately and having conversation about it turned into an argument that was definitely more stress and upset than finding other ways! But finding a friend or babysitter might be amazing. Not sure what I'd do!

She does have toys and is into them, though she does prefer to play with them with me than by herself. We have recently got a jumperoo, bought by father for helping me... so I'll use it more.

I wonder does anyone else do the majority of the baby caring and find ways of coping with it all?

Husband is old school, but also working 16 hour days and paying for everything plus a cleaner once a week. I can see his logic, just feeling a little lost in it all.

I suppose the standards for being a mum, housekeeper, lover, sain grounded woman etc are just so high. How do really organised women do it? Any of you reading this with tips?

God, how do you manage more than one child!?!?!

Do you and your DD get out of the house at all? It sounds as though you may be not getting much of a change of scene. I found when I had fist DC that at about 8mths I was slowly going round the bend and began getting out during hte day - I know they sound awful but toddler groups can be life savers. Find one that suits you and your DD - maybe one that is more focussed on an activity like singing, if you don't enjoy the sitting round chatting with a cup of tea aproach Try taking her swimming, a good walk every day, trips to the library (they often have a baby story/rhyme time seesion) etc You may find DD is more willing to go on the floor if she has other littlies to interact with.

Sorry posted too soon
Meant to say that things don't seem so bad at home if you have been out for a while. Hopefully the activity will have worn DD out and you can get on with the basics while she is having a nap.
Don't try and be superwoman - if you have a cleaner there can't be much left to do and if your DH has to put up with beans on toast for supper, or unironed shirts once in a while he may change his tune about not taking an active role in your DDs upbringing.
BTW - get yourself ready and then just tell him "Right I'm off now to meet X/do the shopping/go for a swim - see you in a couple of hours" and leave him to it - I'm sure he'd cope

That's really helpful.

We do walks everyday. She loves them.

I was going out more but have got a little stuck in house preparing for step-daughters big birthday party last weekend then DDs Christening this weekend with full family visiting on sat, mothers day and my birthday on the monday! Might have got a bit funny around my birthday...

I think you have just described the main problem you have - way, way too stressed over so many important events
Tackle each one step by step, breath a huge sigh of relief when it's all over and then try to enjoy your DD!!
Hope all of your events go well and Happy Birthday

I have to say I am going through exactly the same thing and find I have no one in RL who understands. I especially empathise with the "disappointingly grim conversations with husband where I feel really needy & a deep sadness and he finds that tough to respect or respond to". I think it's the barely spoken about part of motherhood where some women lose all sense of self and have no identity of our own any more. I just feel like "Mummy" now. I don't feel sexy and I have totally lost myself. All I seem to do is Mummy stuff and when OH gets home from work that is him finished for the day and he feels that he should get to put his feet up but I am still "working" 24/7 and it gets too much sometimes. Lack of sleep doesn't help either.

Are you on maternity leave or are you now at home with the baby for the foreseeable future? I had to give my details recently and was asked "Occupation???" and I said "Well... I am home with the kids these days" and he went "Housewife then..." and I actually felt my face go bright red. Why should I be ashamed? At the moment it feels to me that I have nothing ahead of me apart from being a Mum and I feel really pathetic and useless not having an income and having to rely on OH to pay the bills etc although it is what we agreed when DS1 came along as my entire FT pay would have gone towards childcare and travelling to work so it ended up that I would have to pay to go to work. I now realise giving up work means it will be very difficult for me to get back into the workplace and it will be at base level again when I do get back to work.

I am so grateful to be a Mum and to have 2 gorgeous boys AND I realise how lucky I am to have my OH support the family while I look after the boys. On the other hand it is very difficult to maintain your sanity and sense of self.

Sorry - that was a bit long! DS is 5 months old just now and very clingy. He has started teething really badly and wants me to hold him all the time. He also cries all the time which is draining. DS1 was such an easy baby looking back! I had PND with DS1 and I think a lot of it was to do with not realising just how hard it is to adjust to being a Mum and just how it completely takes over your whole life. Forever!!! It sounds obvious but you really don't know what it will be like until you are in it yourself.

This isn't very helpful is it? Sorry. I just wanted to say I know what you are going through and I know what it's like being expected to cope with ALL the baby stuff and getting no thanks/appreciation for it since most people think you should just get on with it and why should you get thanks or appreciation or be allowed to ask for help.

Can you get her a bouncy seat or jumperoo or bumbo so she can sit down and watch you while you work? My DS gets bored very easily so from when he was about 8 weeks (he's now 5 months), I used a bouncy chair to prop him up while I'm in the kitchen or around the house doing things so he can see me and I can talk to him and chat while I'm doing other things. When he was younger I used a sling a lot but he doesn't like that so much now that he's discovered how to roll and kick and grab his feet!

I'm also the main carer for DS with no support in real life as we've just moved country for DH's work and as he's new in the job, he has to make an impression so is working 8-8 (with a 2 hour commute) almost every day so I'm effectively a single mother on week-days! No family nearby or anything. He is a great father and loves taking care of DS when he can, at the weekends etc but weekdays it's just me and DS.

I do know what you mean, Tamashil, about feeling like you've just morphed into a mother and nothing else. I've only been at this for 5 months and already I'm craving some outlet like a course or volunteer job to get back to being me again. Once DS gets to about 9 mths I was thinking of enrolling him in a play-group / creche for a morning or two a week as I would have been going back to work at that stage if we'd stayed in the UK anyway. Just having some time to sit down and read a book would be great!

Oh NapaCab I really feel for you having to move to a whole new country with your DH and little one. It must be so hard coping with all that change on top of having a baby to look after! We are supposed to be emigrating to Australia next year and I am dreading it but it's the opportunity of a lifetime I guess! That is due to OH's work too. Good luck with it all!

OP How are you feeling today? Hope you are getting on a bit better...

Hay all,

Thank you so much for this thread and support. I've never experienced anything quite like it and it really has helped. I am now out the other side of Grandfather's Memorial, DD's Christening, Mother's Day and Birthday and getting the house back together again.

DD has got confident sitting up and playing with things in the mean time and DH has been much more around and helpful during events including taking DD off at points... actually a really big and helpful shift.

Now I am back into normal life... I am noticing I am still having kind of wittering thoughts and have been thinking (whilst breastfeeding, tidying, shopping, playing with DD). It does seem that I need a creative outlet, be it work, art, music, friendships, environmental stuff, that helps me focus my energy and positive feelings about the future.

I was really touched by Tamashii's post. I really hear that and have been using a high amount of a sort of background energy or consciousness to try and work out where to put my energy and attention in order to feel really good about myself - and therefore be a good mum.

I was a maths teacher at secondary school and I am really happy to have resigned and not to go back into that type of environment for the foreseeable future. I am basically really enjoying being at home. I do however think I need to establish something that I can do once DD is a little older that gives me a sense of accomplishment outside the home. I have identified myself with getting caring about the environment and wanting to 'do something' positive towards the global community and that has fueled me. But over the weekend I noticed I was mildly narky with my family and friends, and I am coming to the conclusion that this is more to do with feeling frustrated within my personal creativity than any global circumstances.

Anyway, its all ongoing, but I do send lots of congratulations, well dones and love to Tamashii and NapaCab for what you are doing :) And nice one for every time you are loving and kind, it is great work.

xxx

Sorry, but this will be a bit superficial because I don't have time to read through the advice already given. My baby was exactly like this. Some babies are naturally clingier and trying to get them used to other people doesn't help as much as other well-meaning people think it will, but even if your baby falls into this category she will be really stimulated by evening cuddles and fun with daddy if he can only wake up to being a more involved dad. He will really reap the benefits if he does. Otherwise, do you have family members of friends she can get to know? I'd get into playdates with mums of other babies at each other's houses, as it can be a lifeline for you. You don't need to play the hostess all the time, as all mums are in the same boat; while the babies are sizing each other up, you can hoover around them, wash dishes, and chat to your supervising pal. As they get older, babies begin to get more out of trips in the pram - mainly so they can watch older babies and children toddling and playing.

My first thought on reading your post, however, was that she needs to have the possibility of sitting up so she can watch what's going on around her and play with her toys, even if she's not crawling. It might be boredom as much as anything else that she associates with being on the floor if it always means lying on her back. I started with a "Blossom Farm sit-me up cosy" (which was brilliant from about 4 months or so on, and which you can get on ebay) but some people get a bumbo for the same reason. Maybe your daughter will be getting to be the right age for a jumperoo soon, in which case I would really recommend one. You can't leave a baby in them for long, but it will give you a vital few minutes without her crying while you get things out of the oven and so on. It won't be long before she starts getting into crawling, which will make her a lot happier. She might be more interested in moving generally if you do physical games with her, but if she doesn't need to crawl because you're effectively helping her explore the room from a crawling position and taking her everywhere she might not feel the need to try. At about this age babies start to move on from it being a good thing to cater for their every need to needing to be left to learn how to play alone a bit.

"Husband is old school, but also working 16 hour days and paying for everything"

Your job is 24 hours a day. He may keep you in money terms but health & wellbeing are more important than money.

My DP took a lot of telling, but you NEED time by yourself/with friends, before you go mad. It may be work but he's out there in the world, talking to people and doing different things. A few hours a week, or every other week, at least, shouldn't be too much to ask. Even if it's just to read a book in a deep hot bath for a while, knowing you won't be interrupted.

I also had to ask mumsnet to pluck up the courage to tell DP rather than ask him, due to how long and hard he works, but honestly he loves it now. Does every other bathnight and will actively play and change rather than looking at me to do it all. naive is right that when he becomes more involved he will reap the benefits.

Also took me a long while to realise that LO will not love you any less if you leave them to moan for 5 mins - there is 'crying' and then there is CRYING. A lot less stressful when you distinguish the two...