i think its sweet...but other mum got upset

[jbl2312]

ds is in reception class and was born with no left arm from just below the elbow, she has made a lovely little friend, whom i think is getting a little bit obsessed with my dd, calling all her toys the same as dd, wanting hair the same and wanting people to call her by my dds name, and telling everyone that my dd is so so pretty, which i think is really sweet and she is a lovely little girl, this morning, she came running up to me with her arm tucked up inside the sleeve of her cardigan and announced she too has a "little arm" like my dd, it made me smile and dd laughed and off they went, other mum couldnt apologise enough and seemed upset, i dont see what the problem was, little girl was not being nasty or anything, not sure if mum was embarrassed or getting concerned with the obsession her dd has with my dd, should i say something to her or just leave it, the teachers think the same as me that its lovely and dont believe there is any sort of problem, i dont want other mum to tell her dd not to do certain things that she feels maybe upsetting to me or my dd

She was probably just embarrassed. I wouldn't bother to mention it or she might think that you are upset by it.

I wouldn't mention it either but could you realistically invite the friend over? At least that should emphasise to other mum that you're really not offended & sounds like both girls would love it.

we have arrange a play day for friday already and mum is coming for a coffee, just didnt want mum to feel she has upset us in anyway or worry about what her dd might do or say next

The other Mum probably sees it through grown up eyes, in that her DD is somehow mocking your DD's affliction, while you're seeing it for what it really is - one gorgeous little girl hero-worshipping another gorgeous little girl.

Is there some way your family can befriend this other family, go to the park or swimming together so that the other mummy can see you don't mind and you can deal with the adoration together?

I would be mortified if my DS had done that, although of course it wasn't meant in a nasty way, some parents probably would take it that way. She's probably embarrassed. I like the suggestion of not mentioning it but making it clear in other ways that you're not upset or offended.

Why not just tell her exactly that? That she / her DD have not upset or offended you in any way... I think it's completely lovely that your DD and her friend (and you) just see it as a simple fact of life and not Some Big Disability.

think your right ladies and thats how i will proceed @heartstrumpdiamonds thank you we dont do the "disability thing" it is what you say a simple fact of life xxx

You sound lovely your dd sounds lovely so does your friend and her dd!

With all the PC sensitivity around these days, I can see why the other mum might be embarrassed. She may have thought that you and your DD would find it offensive as if her daughter was making fun of your daughters disability. Why not have a word with her in a casual way and say how nice it is that your dds are getting on so well without playing up the issue. I think she just needs a bit of reassurance.

If the mum doesn't know you well she was probably concerned how you would react. Your attitude will probably help her be more relaxed about it in future

The problem is that she is doing it to be "like" your child so it is sweet.

However in another situation it can be part of bullying. If you've read "Shared Experiences" then the author (born without a hand) was plagued at secondary school by boys who made fun of her by doing similar, to the point that she got very depressed including attempting suicide, if I'm remembering correctly.

You probably need to watch it because it only takes one child starting doing it in a way that is perceived to be nasty to your dd for it to get into a very difficult situation.

It is something that my (very confident) 8yo dd struggles with because it so often is used in a nasty way that she now gets upset very easily by it.

Ah! Just seen that you know Charlotte, so I'm guessing you've read her book.

thank you DeWe i will certainly keep a close eye on it to make sure it does not develop into anything else, im so sorry to hear of your dds struggle, its always been a worry to me too knowing how awful some children can be, i have known Charlotte for about a year now, but must admit never read her book, i think it would have made me worry more, i prefer to deal with problems as they come along not worry myself sick waiting for it to happen, im also good friends with Kelly Knox (Britain missing model) she has been a great inspiration, so has her mother in the way she bought kelly up...

I saw your message on fb, so could see that you knew Charlotte. Do read her book if you can at some point, it does give some helpful points. There is some negative, but also some great positive. It is also very good for giving to teachers etc. before they meet your child. We have 2 copies, one for us, and the second to lend out to people who are going to come newly into contact with dd2.

I've seen Kelly at the Agm, and met Cerrie (also brilliant role model) a few times. Dd2 loves Cerrie, and she always remembers her by name since the first time and always makes her feel welcome.

My concern was in several parts: Firstly if another child starts doing it in a nasty way, then your dd's friend could find herself in any fall out for "starting" it.
Secondly, if others did start doing it and your dd was upset by it then you might struggle to get the school to take it seriously, as "but friend does it, and she doesn't mind it".
And lastly if others pick it up it might become upsetting for your dd, if she ends up with a lot of children doing it.

I do agree that for just the friend it is sweet.

Dd2 had a friend who had a doll with a arm that had been snapped, and he mum was going to throw it away, but she refused and told people it was her doll with a little arm like dd2. Dd2 was thrilled.

managed to have a chat with the mum today, she was sorry for the way she reacted, she said it was just a soppy mummy moment and slight relief to ours and Isabels reaction to her daughter pretending she had a little arm, apparently on the way to school her daughter said "i wish i had a special little arm like Isabel" she thought we would take offence, i assured her that was not the case, and we are arranging a lovely play day for the 2 of them, thanks everyone for your wise word much love to you all xx