Please help... feel like the worst mother in the world!

[PeppaTwig]

Grab a cuppa, this might go on...

My DS is 2.5 and has until a couple of months ago been a great sleeper, very easy going, well behaved little boy but these days, is a nightmare at night, nightmare at going to bed in the first place and is bad tempered during the day (presumabley cos he's not getting enough sleep)

He has been in a proper bed since he was 22 months and used to call out or cry if he needed us at night and settled to bed at bedtime without any trouble and without either of us having to stay with him until he was asleep. Just a simple story, cuddle and "goodnight" and we were good to go.

More recently he has 'learnt' to come out of his room and so wont be left until he is asleep or he comes out to find us. He wont even lie down unless we start off by lying down with him. I feel that he has forgotten how to go off to sleep without us being right next to him. This evening I thought enough was enough and attempted the Supernanny 'put back' thingy and got up to 25 times, we were both so irate with it I gave up and sent DH in to sit with him (I'd already been trying for half an hour)

Once he's asleep he's usually fine until anytime after 1am (usually nearer 4 or 5) he will wake up and without any calling or warning will come and climb onto our bed. If it's really early we will try to settle him back into bed (much to his disappointment) and we go through the whole bedtime rigmarole all over again. Sometimes he goes back off, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes we give in and he gets into our bed and sleeps for another hour or so (sometimes not)

I know some of you will say that we should just let him sleep in our bed if thats where he'll sleep but a) thats not what we want long term and b) I think its missing the point. It feels as though he doesnt want to be in his room or in his bed awake. He has someone with him until he's fast asleep and the second he's awake he's outta there! If his daytime behaviour was still as lovely as it was I wouldn't stress as much but he's exhausted and sometimes sleeping again in the day (gave that up a few months ago) and when he sleeps in the day he wakes up even earlier the next day so I dont think its just a case of being over tired and catching up his sleep in the day.

Sorry for going on. Any suggestions will be very much appreciated!

We put a gate on ds bedroom. He doesn't lay down straight away, but does when he's ready. Secure all furniture, ds plays with his books and soft toys.

Hth x

Ur not a bad mum!! My 3 year old goes through the same thing sometimes and I put him back again and again. Lasted a while but eventually he's got it
This is all up in the air though as he does start it again for no reason and I read books which said they learn after 3 nights but this wasn't the case. I'm talking weeks! I just had to be really consistant and remember that children like and need boundaries. Stay strong!

Stair gate at DS bedroom worked for us many years ago. And I never ever allowed the kids in our bed until 6:30 am at the earliest.

As penguins said buy a gate! He will soon learn to go to bed. Worked with my two anyway

Thanks for all your replies.
Wrenner, how many times do you 'put back' before you get success or give up?
I did consider a gate but I'm pretty sure he'll just stand there screaming until we go to him and recommence our drawn out resettling process/get up/he gets into our bed etc

Umm quite a few! Especially when he was 2 and a half! Now he's 3 he will only come in maybe twice but after doing put bak thing it stops. It's really tiring but I just never spoke to him or I would say night time darling and just put him back into bed. Get your partner to help too, they just push boundaries and need to kno what happens if they do such and such etc Also I had to look at the way I was putting him to bed because I was sitting with him until he fell asleep which meant he needed me too do that in the night but I stopped that and it helped loads! I didn't like stair gate idea either! X

Just a question, You say that you put him to bed about 25 times then gave up and sent your DH in, does that mean that your DS then got what he wanted and someone lying down with him?
I completely understand why if this is they case, but think it is teaching your Ds to be more persistant and that he will still get what he wants in the end.

FWIW when my chidlren did this at bedtime - they both did at about this age, I sat directly outside the bedroom door with a book and put them back to bed without a word or "its bedtime" for as long as it took. It took perhaps a week for things to calm down and it not be such a battle. They still got up again from time to time, but nowhere near as bad as it had been.

If you do not want him to come into your bed in the night then I think that again you have to be consistent and not give in and let him stay when you get tired of putting him back.

I know it sounds a bit cruel, but if you are sure there is nothing wrong - ie he isn't scared of something in his room then do it.
( but check first a friends DD was terrified of the shadow her large Pooh bear made at this age).

By the way it wasn't easy! Far from it but it does work! My biggest downfall was when I would give in and ruin all my good then back to square 1! Ur not being horrible your teaching him to feel confident alone and you know he can do it too as this is a recent thing!

Thanks.
I know I shoudnt give up its just so hard when we're so tired! Will go for it again tonight but I think I have some work to do with DH, he is somewhat skeptical and cant necessarily see the bigger picture. We will both have to accept that it will be hard work, might take a week but it will be better eventually!
I do think despite the effort, it will be a better long term solution than a gate...

Totally agree!

PeppaTwig, I could have written your post just before Xmas as my DD (also was 2.5 at the time) went through the EXACT same thing. I couldn't understand it at all as she'd slept through the night since 5 weeks old and for the first time, I felt very ill-equipped as a Mother to cope with it.

So, this is how we did it. The first night I thought maybe she wasn't well so let her come into my bed to sleep (DH was on a late shift at the time). After that it became a habit that she kept on coming in. So I started taking her back to her room. Like you, it was a large number of times (between 7pm and 10.30pm) that I put her back - literally standing outside her door while she screamed and sobbed (as did I) and in the end, like you, I gave up. My DH got home at 11pm and sat with her until she fell asleep.

This continued for about a week with people (actually some on MN) saying, 'Don't worry, how many teenagers do you know who have a parent sit with them until they're asleep, she'll grow out of it, just let her carry on with it for now'.

But in the end I was at the end of my tether and was having to sit in with her in the middle of the night when she woke aswell and I was exhausted so I phoned my HV (I generally don't take their advice but on this occasion I did). She said to me that DD had developed an 'undesirable sleep routine' and that I needed to snap her out of it. She suggested that I leave her door open and stay within hearing distance so that I can call out to her as opposed to going in. So DH (who had finished his late shifts by now) and I started taking it in turns to stay upstairs in our bedroom (next door to hers) completely out of sight but within hearing distance (just watching the TV etc) until she fell asleep. If she woke in the night, again we took it in turns to be outside her room where she couldn't see us.

Amazingly, by day 3 she was falling asleep on her own again and she didn't call out to us at all. It was astounding how quickly she realised that we weren't going to budge.

The only thing that changed on a permanent basis was her door is now open every night, whereas it always used to be shut and she's now potty-trained so will often wake once in the night to go to the toilet. But she always goes to bed in her own bed now. It really worked very well.

Another tip, we bought her a 'Gro-Clock' that had been recommended to us. It's a star at night (and is used as a night-light) and you can set it so that it changes to a Sun at whatever time you want and you tell them that they can get out of bed when the Sun is awake. It's worked for us.

I really hope that this helps because I absolutely feel your pain... Good luck. xx

Thank you so much ADayforthinking. We did get a gro clock when things started going awry but he just didnt get it and if anything the light from it was disturbing him!
It's great to hear that you've come out the end of it and it might be worth trying something new as you suggest. My only problem is that he doesnt stay in bed and call, he will quite happily just get up and walk out of his room unless anyone is there to stop him!
Ah well, onwards!

How was last night?

Right well we decided to bite the bullet and go all 'supernanny' on his ass!
It took 2 and half hours of putting back and putting back... At one point we were up to about 3 a minute and we both went through quite a spectrum of emotion but the important thing is we got there and we didnt see him again until 7 this morning!!! I was ecstatic (and obviously knackered cos I'd been awake since 5.30 wondering why he hadn't come in yet!!)
I know its only the beginning but I'm very encouraged!
DH's turn tonight....!!

Well done it does work! Just stay consistant! X