How do you deal with a child that refuses to admit anything!

[OrmIrian]

Yesterday, DS2 (9) had two little friends here all day. They live at the end of our road and also go to his school. They spent a lot of the time looking for tadpoles in our pond. When it was time for them to go home DH went out to find them and discovered they had broken down the side of the pond a bit - not enough to let the water out but it looks a bit crap and bits of mud and wood are floating in the water. He told DS off a bit - not really angrily, just said 'It's not a playground. Please be more careful next time!'. DS2 refused to accept that it was him or his friend that did it - inspite of the fact that it was blatantly obvious that it was. No matter how we approached it he swore it wasn't them that did it. He was sent to his room in floods of tears, almost hysterical.

The lying is the worst bit. And this is just the latest incident. Similar things happen regularly.

How he can he lie about something so bloody obvious? Does he think we're that stupid? How do we tackle it? It's driving us crazy!

I think it's just a case of wishful thinking, that if he denies it, it will go away.

Marking my place to know how to tackle this sort of situ....

How little are the little friends?

THey are 9 and 7 (I think).

Dd2 does this, although is getting better.

Firstly I ask for suggestions how it might have happened. She has a fruitful imagination, so sometimes it can be quite amusing But increasingly she will explain how it happened (after I've raised an eyebrow at the description of the dragon that did it), usually when she's not admitting it it is an accident.

I grade punishment. Hardest, lying about it (probably no reading time at bedtime, and would also be helping to clear up said mess), Easier owning up when asked (just helping clear up), and probably no punishment for owning up straight away (unless disobeying a direct order).

But if he won't admit he did it how do we get him to not do it again? When even saying 'please make sure you don't do X' makes him vehemently deny he was responsible, how can we get him to take responsibilty.

He wouldn't have been punished anyway. Which makes it even odder that he denied it.

DeWe - that is what I am attempting to get through to DD - that lying about a misdemeanour makes it much more likely that you are going to get in trouble for it. I am struggling though, since she remains (on the surface at least) entirely unrepentant about anything and if asked what she has learned from some punishment it would generally be "Mummy and Daddy are mean"

[sigh]

To stop it happening again, I think you have to treat the situation as if you really didn't know how it happened and didn't want to apportion blame. Tell all the kids that x has happened, why it's a problem for you and ask them to all make sure it doesn't happen again.

I mean all your DCs rather than this DS + friends.

We do that quite often otherside. DD and DS1 look vague and say 'OK mum'. DS2 instantly denies he did it . Even when we don't suspect his of whatever it is. As in:

Me: "Can you all make sure you turn the bathroom light off when you've finished. We're trying to save electricity"
DD and DS1: "Ok mum"
DS2: " I never left it on! It wasn't me!"

Which is frustrating.

I think it's a really common thing for DC to say "It wasn't me"

I usually respond "I didn't say it was anyone, I just want us all to remember to...... swich the light off"

Regarding the pond, they wouldn't have been aware they were damaging the edge of the pond, so in his mind he will have no memory of doing it. He genuinely will think he did not do it.

I would have said to him "The pond wasn't like that earlier so it must have been you and your friends. Next time you are by the pond I want you to be more careful."

And I would have then asked him to help me tidy it up/mend it. If he trotted out "but it wasn't me" again, I would have said "Ok, but I would still like you to help me"

Like another poster said, I wouldn't have forced him to say he did it.

You need a 'set up' with a willing A.N. Other child. Said child does something bad, admits it, you say 'oh, right, thank you for being truthful'. 'Please don't do this again because...' Your child sees that being truthful doesn't equal more punishment. Owning up causes less trouble than lying. Repeat 100 times :)

LOL StarGirl. Once, when DD was hiding in her room rather than 'fess up to having taking a felt tip (expressly forbidden in her room, and at the time forbidden full stop following a number of incidents) to bed (evidence being the large pink splodges on DD, her pyjamas, sheet, duvet cover, pillow and bear) DS tried to talk her down, illustrating his little talk with examples such as when he had confessed immediately (before I had noticed) to breaking a window and been impressed by how little he was shouted at as a result. She just gave him a withering "well more fool you" look and went back to denying the bleeding obvious in the face of overwhelming evidence.

Peer pressure only works if you don't regard all your peers (and siblings) as blithering idiots.

Or if you regard your peers as peers. I am quite convinced that DS actually thinks he is a different species....