Is this really bad?

[fattybum]

Wasn't having a great morning with dc this morning, when ds1, 5.9, said "I remember before you used to cry about me, but you've never cried about ds2". Was really surprised to hear this as, although he is right I did used to cry over him a lot, the last year has been a lot better, so didn't think he would remember that much.

Feel really bad, like maybe I've messed him up by letting him see that I couldn't cope with him when he was smaller. I didn't cope at all well til he was about 4, and I'm ashamed to admit that he did often bring me to tears and he saw all of that. I wasn't very good at not letting him see the effect he had on me, and I now know this was really wrong. The thing is, I hadn't had experience with kids, and he was quite a handful from birth. He is so much easier/calmer now, and of course I love him with all my heart. I hate to think that my struggles in his early years may have shaped his personality in a negative way e.g low self esteem/self worth.

Anyone else experience this? How do I show him that he's great and loved as much as ds2?

I had that too with dd vs ds. Although dd didnt know how much i struggled in the early days etc.

Can you spend a bit of time one to one with ds? So they have a nice memory of a special lunch/day out? I try to do this with my dc. Then at least i can say "remember the nice day we had?? REMEMBER!!!?!? ??!?!?!?!". Photos together, start/edit their memory boxes etc?

that might be a good idea. Things are much better now, and me and dh are loving to him and praise him for being such a kind boy etc, but I still think we tend to be a bit harder on him simply because he's older than ds2! He does complain that we are always telling him off, so maybe we need to be more positive.

He also has started saying things like I'm a rubbish person, annoying, naughty etc. We don't call him naughty, and try to be upbeat with him. Is this just an age thing?

I wonder if there would be any harm in telling your DS 1 that you cried because he was first and you were learning about being a Mum? Does he ever cry with frustration when he is trying to do something new? If so, you could compare with that.

Do you ever say that you're rubbish at stuff? You know, like 'What an idot, I forgot to buy milk when we were at the shops'.

He might be copying your example.

Maybe some bigger responsibility of some sort too? My dd is quite chuffed with taking the washing upstairs or picking up the bathmat! It might give him a boost.

I did actually say that, othersideofthechannel. I explained it was like when he started reception and wasn't used to it so struggled, but now in year 1 he's much happier. I also told him it wasn't his fault, and that ds2 is just the same as him, i'm just more experienced! Wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say, but it's the truth and he seemed to understand. Just can't help feeling that he may understand now, but the damage is already done.

i was about 2 say same as otherside. sit him down and say you were learning how to be a good mum and found it hard. not only will it lift any blame he feels but he'll realise even grown ups have to learn and its ok to get upset or frustrated.