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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

When does distracting a toddler count as bribery...?

25 replies

Smee · 31/01/2006 13:43

DS and I were having nightmare bathtimes (he was 18mths, 20mths now). He wouldn't let me get him dressed/ put a nappy on, etc. So in despair, I started putting something in the bathroom cupboard, and tell him he could have it once he was dry and had his pyjama top on. Once he was we opened the cupboard and he got his reward (usually something simple like a toothbrush!), then he got to play with it while I put his nappy on. Anyway, bathtimes are now lovely - gone are the tantrums and we laugh a lot. Sorted I thought, but then I told my DH. He reckons I'm bribing him so it's wrong! DS never ever plays up for him so he's not had to deal with being kicked in the stomach as he's trying to get a nappy on. Probably because work means he's hardly ever around to bath him. What's the wisdom from all of you then? Am I a terrible mother or just a crafty one...? And at what age d'you reckon it's reasonable to expect them to behave without a distraction?

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CatBert · 31/01/2006 13:45

I have always said "It's NOT bribery. It's a reward for good behaviour".

It's not like you were saying "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease do this and you can have a huge bag of chocolate buttons is it?

Honestly. (your DH that is)

Angeliz · 31/01/2006 13:45

Smee, i'd just do whatever works for you at this point in time. If it works and keeps you and ds happy then IMO, there's no issue.
You won't even realise when he stops doing it! Tell your dp to chill out!

oliveoil · 31/01/2006 13:47

I still use distractions on dd1 and she was 3 in October.

She hates having her hair washed so she get promised a treat when it is done. I spend the whole time rinsing her hair going 'so what do you think it is, do you think it is a chocolate or a marshmallow or a lollipop or a biscuit etc etc' and it stops her whinging about water in her hair.

Whatever gets you through the day is my motto.

She gets Skips in Tesco's as a bribe to get in the trolley.

We are Bribe Central!

gomez · 31/01/2006 13:50

Read that too quickly and thought you were putting HIM in the bathroom cupboard .

Might be worth a try....

harpsichordcarrier · 31/01/2006 13:50

tell your dh that he should give up his salary, which is clearly a bribe for working and wrong

he's talking out of his a8se, sorry. expecting a toddler to behave without distraction/bribery is not only unrealistic, it's plain stupid.
nice work, smee and excellent parenting.

grammaticus · 31/01/2006 13:51

i would never get anywhere without that sort of bribery. i view that as distraction, it's the chocolate buttons that are real bribery - and i use them too, but only in times of need (and rarely now they are older - but more a while ago).

i think you should make your DH do much much more childcare, smee!

Original poster

Smee · 31/01/2006 14:11

HOORAY - I do so love this site. Thank you all of you. Made me feel so much better, though I think I need the chocolate buttons not DS. Might have to nip to the shop...

OP posts:

colditz · 31/01/2006 14:32

I think bribery should be a sliding scale, ie...

Chocolate buttons for haircuts
biscuit for toenail cutting
Extra toothpaste for getting out of the bath without a tantrum
a yoghurt after dinner for licking green vegetables
Carrying bread home in exchange for not touching things on shelves in shop.

FrayedKnot · 31/01/2006 14:47

Thanks Smee you have just possibly solved my two worst moments of the day, getting DS dressed in the morning and changing his nappy after lunch.

Both of which ending up in screaming matches, usually.

I'm not sure the reward of a toothbrush will cut it tho, not in a sophisticated 22 month old. may have to adapt rewards slightly.

colditz · 31/01/2006 14:49

It will FK, a reward is whatever you make a reward. Just make a big deal about what a fabulous thing it is to be handed a toothbrush, but more importantly, threaten to deny him the toothbrush if he doesn't comply. This will make it seem even more attractive.

I bribe my 2.9 yo with the most unlikely objects.....

Original poster

Smee · 31/01/2006 15:02

DS loves anything grown up. Tonight will be an old lipsalve and I just know he'll love it. Bless..

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 31/01/2006 15:03

extra toothpaste??
counts as a bribe???
blimey colditz, nuff respect

colditz · 31/01/2006 15:03

Yes, Lipsalves, my ds will jump through hoops to play with a lipsalve or a makeup brush!

colditz · 31/01/2006 15:14

HCP I really do not know why! Agreed it looks like fab parenting, but in fact is purely accidental.... I do buy pink sparkley berry flavoured toothpaste for him though, that could be it. It tastes sweet, and he doesn't get a lot of sweet things.

He still talks about the day he came downstairs and ate "All the chocolates off the Christmas Tree mummy, all of them!"

Which he did, before I could stop him.

ProfessorG · 01/02/2006 12:06

LOL Colditz you sound brilliant!

girliesmum · 01/02/2006 12:55

I see no problem with bribery. infact it is the only way I can get anything doen with DD who is 2.5. It also works well with DD 1 who is nearly 7 and DH responds quite well!

beetlejuice73 · 01/02/2006 20:54

I'm so glad to hear this response. I'm finding 18m old tantrums so completely draining. We've had 3 today.
Any particular suggestions for getting them into the pram or the car seat? There are only so many raisins I can hand out in a day.

Latz · 01/02/2006 21:03

I still have to bribe dd to get stuff done like teeth etc - appreciate the nappy thing though - started her on pull up pants so that there was more chance of getting them on - only problem is they sometimes leak - yikes!

QE2 · 01/02/2006 21:09

I do this with one of my children and he's nearly 39!!!

Original poster

Smee · 02/02/2006 09:35

Hi Beetlejuice - Buggy tantrum's one of ours too. I open the front door and distract him with a bit of cat spotting - there's loads on our road, so he loves it. While he's looking I lift him in. I never ever say "Let's get into the buggy" as he always takes it as a cue to say "No!" and then there's one almighty stand off, usually ending with me wrestling him in. Distraction, distraction - doesn't always work, but sometimes.. And aren't they not supposed to have tantrums until they're two?? I keep telling mine, but he takes not a bit of notice..

OP posts:

ponto · 02/02/2006 22:02

Dd1 is now 2.9 but 8 months ago my husband was working abroad for a month and she started having tantrums about everything. In the end I discovered she would do pretty much anything as long as I let her 'do it herself', e.g. do you want Mummy to lift you into the buggy or do you want to do it yourself? I had to arrange the chairs so she could climb into her own cot and get a step so she could get her leg over the side of the bath, and getting into the car was very slow, but since I started letting her be more independent she's been much easier to deal with. Still has her moments though!

Aloha · 02/02/2006 22:04

It's not BRIBERY! What nonsense. I suppose you never expect a reward for doing anything...like a salary or a thank you? Or treat yourself to a reward, like a cup of coffee or a cake in a cafe? he's talking rubbish.

Aloha · 02/02/2006 22:04

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 22:08

Lol @ QE2

Doesn't matter what you call it - bribery, distraction, whatever - it works and I swear by it.

(Pre-kids I never thought I would use bribery - I knew my kids would behave for me because they would love me so much and want to make me happy...I had no bloody idea, did I?)

bobbybobbobbingalong · 03/02/2006 03:55

At 20 months he is not going to be good simply because.

I am constantly saying to ds "if you xxxx, then we will xxxx." The reward is mostly whatever we would have done next anyway.

Cause and effect is important - and it's a lot nicer to be good and get a nice reward, just as you get time on a step for something bad.

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