Help. Not slept properly for 2 years and reaching breaking point.

[Fanty]

My son is wonderful, big healthy, advsnced sunny natured and seemingly desined to be the family comedian. But i am at the end of my tether, cannot go on. He has rarely slept through the night which i openly blame on my husbands insistence on running into the room the minute he starts off. We have had more than a few nocturnal rows about tnis which is mortifying as we live in a flat with crappy thin walls and the neighbours complain about the crying so they are certainly hearing us argue. This puts me under extra pressure so basically i feel like i cant let him cry it out which is what i would do. In a desperate attempt, we moved him from his cot to a bed, but we needed to as well as he is the size of a three year old. Now things are much worse and we have resorted to lying down with him to get him asleep, and if he wakes after 1am or so, we just take him into bed, something i am really u happy about. But we are exhausted so.....what do we do? I feel like we missed a window of opportunity due to my husbands softness and im not sure who i resent more, my husband or my son. Im so unhappy.

I feel as though had i been on my iwn this would ne er have been an issue as i am pretty good on the discpline front. But i cannot discpline a grown man. And i keep explaining all this to him.

You need to warn your neighbours before you do this and it will mean a few active nights for you all but it will be worth it. First thing is, you need to put up a united front so speak to your husband about this first.
Give your little cherub a drink of warm milk, read him a story and put him to bed. Say goodnight, give him a kiss, then leave the room. Wait on the stairs. Once he gets out of bed then you put him back. Don't speak, don't look at him, just put him back and leave. Then do the same again, and again, and again. Don't get into his bed, don't speak, stay calm and don't give in! He'll sob, he'll say he's hungry, he'll say he's thirsty, he'll say anything and everything. Don't fall for it.

Good luck!

Alternatively why don't you put his mattress in your room and let him sleep there

I have tried the sending back to bed repeatedly. I am conteplating the mattress scenario. Im just so tired. Disappointed in my husband for not backing me up and feel totally frustrated. My husband went to bed 2 hours ago as hes shattered. Its crazy. Im just crying my eyes out here on my own, wits end. Thanks for listening.

It sounds really hard for you. You need to stop taking him into your bed though, this is what he wants you to do. Honestly, it usually takes a few evenings but it's worth it.

Why not just co=sleep until he doesn't need to anymore?

If you haven't got support to do the rapid return I really would go with the mattress on the floor if you can sleep whilst he's there then you can start getting decent sleep and decide in a better frame of mind when and how you want to change this.

Look, it's clear that you are exhausted.

If the mattress on the floor in your room works, just do it.

If it means everyone getting a better nights sleep just do it.

It surprises me how many parents expect their child to sleep all alone in a dark room while they are nicely cuddled up to their Dp/Dh's etc. that's not to you by the way, just a general observation.

He will not still be on a mattress in your room when he's 10/11/12 so for now, just go with whatever gives you all a good nights sleep.

Find out when the neighbours are away for afew nights.
Send your husband to sleep somewhere else. And if he doesnt want to tell him you are going to sleep somewhere else and he can deal with all the night wakens until he is on your side.
Talk a lot to your DS about how when he wakes up you will say it's sleepy time and he has to go back to sleep.
Be strong. stick to it and it wont take long.
Lack of sleep for two years in unacceptable. Get lots of early nights til you can sort it. poor you.

ps I'm all for cosleeping but I hated it and never got a proper night sleep and as a result I was a shit parent.

Lady- we did exactly the same- AND it was the only thing that worked.
DD1 was a dream (still is, generally). DD2 on the other hand.
At 14 months when I went back to work (leaving for work at 6am) she was still up 3 times a night. Was totally exhausted. Unfort for me (and very fort for DP) a short chug on the boobs did the trick to get her off again.
Oh and then you cannot, for the love a'god, go back to sleep again for friggin ages.
We didn't think CC or CIO was an option (read too much about how unsound it is).
Finally one night at 3am when she was about 18 months, DP and me decided that things had gone to the beyond of beyonds.
I told DP bout the 'bore them to sleep' routine (cos being repetitive and monotone gets dull), that I'd read.
First night counted 27 times in and out of room, saying 'bedtime' nowt else, and leaving. Second night 18. And so on. Took 4 nights and she has slept through since.
It's arduous for a few nights. But it works without them getting distressed!

Oh I agree about kids being on their own, my husband and I do agree on how sad it is that the ones who need the reassurance are expected to get on with it and sleep seperately which is why I began taking him into bed. But I resent doing so. Ive even told my husband to fk off on a busines trip for a couple of weeks so i can sort him out alone. Then I took him from Spain to Scotland to stay at my tough no-nonsense mum´s for two weeks (you could murder someone in her house easily - massive thick walls) and even she was appalled and told me to just take him into bed. Im covered in psoriasis which im sure is due to stress and fatigue and I have no idea how working mums cope in this situation. the fact that i cant find a job right now is probably a blessing in disguise. But more importantly im so mad at my husband that is it now becoming an issue in our very solid very happy marriage. and I have a horirble suspicion i might be preggers again - just cant face that thought right now.

Just to get to the bottom of it - why do you resent taking him into your bed? Is it that you then don't sleep well? Does he wriggle? Lack of space?

Could you sleep in your sons room, and your DH and DS have the double? Esp as your DH is the one who doesn't mind...!

By the way - I sympathise - my DD wakes at least every 2 hours, so we cosleep.

Fanty- it can be done without harm. And slay me for this if you will (and we did co sleep for about the first year- but no fecker was getting any sleep) when she went in to the next room to us she was exactly the same as in with us- woke less so actually- so I reckon give it a try.
BUT you must be stalwart about it

im scared of giving up my last bit of identity as a wife and lover i think. I was pregnant by the time we got married so we had very little time alone before he came along. This means that we are quite possessive about eachother and appreciate the time we get alone. I dont like child encroaching on that.

we do all sleep far better together, i just dont want to accept it...and on that note - hes screaming now, so i need to go, thanks for listening everybody. feel much better. x

Ah, I see. That's a difficult one then!

For me the sleep I get by cosleeping FAAAAAAARRRRRR outweighs the lack of couple time... but then if I'm tired I don't want couple time anyway.

Hope you find a solution that works for you. Children who don't sleep are a nightmare..

Before DD was born I was totally against co sleeping. We ended up doing it because it was easier, at around 18 months she started SLTN. She still goes through phases of waking up up/night terrors.

You won't have to have DS in your bed forever. If you've got the energy you could try this. I bought the baby version,but I just didn't have the energy to put it into action.

Fanty- sweet pea it seems like shite now but this too will pass
My delightful DD2 is presently sending me to an early grave with unfair and unwarranted terrible 2's.

(Slight rerailment, sorry OP: Ha I've just been trying the No sleep=cry solution... - it made things worse! )

i have now formally moved into my sons room. i can get used to the pocoyo duvet and the single bed.... great sleep. well til 6am.

Fanty just a thought with regards to the neighbours if\when you want to try more of a CIO approach: our DS has recently gone in his cot in his own room (he's 6 months and a bit). We knew that there would be more crying than usual (also flat with rubbish sound proofing), so we bought earplugs and a bottle of plonk for our downstairs and next door neighbours and went and explained, saying hopefully it shouldn't be long, thank you for your patience etc.

Both received with thanks and is helpful in the middle of the night to know they aren't seething!

Just a thought. HTH

Hi, I also got really frustrated with lack of sleep, DS2 was in our bed (our choice) but I wanted him to shift eventually. Now he is on a mattress next to ours, with bedguards, so I feel at least I have some space (and protection from flailing limbs) while he still feels close.

I would say don't worry about giving up your bed in terms of the wife/lover thing - better to get more sleep so you can be more your old self and able to be sexy in the living room rather than fighting to get him in his own room, keep dealing with crying and have a bed to yourself but no energy (speaks the voice of bitter experience...)