best gentle, holisitc book/guide for toddler tantrums

[loveroflife]

I'm looking to read something for a bit of knowledge/support for my Ds who is 18 months and doesn't really understand the word 'no'. Just laughs and carries on doing as he pleases - he also gets very hissy if his toys etc are pulled off him and shakes his legs and fists - like a mini tantrum.

he is not badly behaved but I'm interested in reading some guides that others have liked that teach you how to discipline in a very gentle way - time outs etc, what do people think of supernanny for example?

I've learnt loads from my BLW guides and did read the sleep fairy when he was about 6 months - so missed out all the bad advice about dropping the night feeds, but did quite like the method of gentle withdrawal and getting them to sleep through alone. this really helped me as i was previously rocking to sleep...

thanks in advance

was meant to say holistic in title - is there an edit button anywhere?

No edit button!

I like 'the happiest toddler on the block' by Harvey Karp. He really understands toddlers I think and gives practical suggestions. It's very 'American' in tone. Lots of people also like 'Toddler Taming' by Christopher Green. Both books talk about time out, both (IMO) in a more 'holistic' way than Supernanny. Still don't like it myself, but they do have a reasonable perspective on it.

I've read three approaches (I have a 'spirited' toddler!) and am using the parts that I like and seem to work for us (got them from the library):
Toddler Taming
123 Magic
Playful Parenting
They range from quite a structured approach to discipline in the first two, to something quite different in the third. I find a mix of things from all three works quite well for us but it has been trial and error. I find Playful Parenting a bit too soft for me - I think a more structured approach to discipline when it is really needed works and creates clarity for everyone, but that's as much to do with my personality as anything.

However, Playful Parenting has been a great read for me as it has helped me to diffuse many situations, distract etc, before discipline is needed. It reminds me that they are only little and are experimenting with things. Frankly it has helped me to avoid just being a very shouty parent, which I think would have been my natural style otherwise. When necessary I tend to use a counting technique like in 1-2-3 Magic and DS who is 2.3 really gets it. In fact, I've only got to 3 and had to put him on the 'thinking step' (I hate the word naughty!) 4 or 5 times. Not sure he'd have got it at 18mo though - he was just two when I started the counting thing. What I really like about 1-2-3 Magic is that it is simple but also reminds you not to overtalk - we all tend to throw far too many words at toddlers, particularly when we are frustrated and they are not cooperating. We need to remember that their language processing is still developing. It also emphasises that you must not bear a grudge - as soon as your toddler complies, or as soon as the 2 minutes (or whatever) on the step/in the room is over, you as a parent have to turn the smile back on and get back to having lots of fun together. I need to remind myself this ALL the time!!

One risk to having the naughty step is that you WILL find yourself at some point saying "Do you want to go on the naughty step?" and then DC will turn around and in a stroppy toddler way say "YES!!!". What do you do then?

THANK YOU both. Great advice.

We have two friends who say their dc are now wanting to go on the naughty step and are behaving badly to get there! They say they see as a badge of honour, so want to avoid that situation!

I want something gentle but firm. I do like structure and routine and find he responds well to going to bed at same time etc. He is quite good at picking things up when I enforce it, so he knows his little routine and would like to have the same thought for his toddler years - i.e I'd better not touch/do that because I know Mummy won't be very happy at me.

Also just realised OP that your thread title talks about tantrums specifically. I can't really remember the 'best' approach I've found in a book about these, but what I have found works well is explaining very very simply what is going to happen again and again before it happens. Getting down to their level and saying, for example, 'You can play with X for 2 more minutes. Then we have to get ready to go outside.' Then a minute later 'One more minute with that DC'. Then 'OK DC, it's time to put it down now. Let's go and put our coats on'. More often than not I still get a bit of a whine about putting it down but rarely do I get a tantrum in this type of scenario now. Lots of warnings and very very simply language to be sure they understand.

When I see a tantrum coming, I've found distraction works well (again Playful Parenting is good on this) and when all else fails just treat very calmly and don't talk, except to say very gently 'Calm down' until he does. Absolutely no way give in to demands though!! The usual advice is to ignore, and I try to do this, but have a breath-holder so it's a bit difficult to do in practice.

Sounds great, I'll print this out and follow your advice. It's interesting that you say about not holding a grudge because I do

Not for a long time but my theory was how can he learn that he is wrong if I say "No, don't do that". He always burst into tears after the first time I say no as I repeat it.

I then think he will be confused if I say "No" but reward his behaviour very quickly afterwards with snuggles.

Yes, I've read and liked 'Playful parenting' too. Also have a 'spirited' DD!! I might look at '123 Magic' too as I'm finding some difficult times when her will is stronger than mine but we HAVE to do something (eg get dressed or go to bed). Mostly, I prefer a much more playful approach.

If your DD is 'spirited' then I would recommend 'Raising Your Spirited Child', lots of good ideas in there for toddlers.

I don't use a naughty step or time outs, if you want to read more about that style of parenting then you might be interested to read 'Unconditional Parenting' although it's more of a philosophy than practical tips.

'How to talk so kids will listen...' is another good one, it's mostly for older children but has some good ideas for toddlers.