4 year old with behaviour problems

[4amy]

Hi,
I am new on here & have posted because my son has problems with his behaviour. It has got to the stage at pre-school where he is either going to get excluded or i remove him. he bites at least 3 times a week, hits, pushes, pinches etc. This has been going on over a year & despite asking for help from doctors, health visitors etc things only seem to be the same or worse some weeks!. Virtually no mums speak to me as i am mum to the "biter". I am worried that he will not be able to fit in at infant school. He misbehaves when anybody moves into his space or is playing with something he wants & cannot socialise, sometimes i dont know why he does it. His teachers try to keep him under close supervision but they say they only took their eyes off him for a second & he strikes!.

What is your home environment? Is he witnessing this kind of behaviour from another child / subject to any of it from anyone himself? Does he get enough time with you / another parent?
The only children I have encountered to be violent in this way, continually, have been desperate for love and attention from their family. They have not necessarily been abused, but perhaps left too long in the care of a preschool or other childcare. I know its really hard when you have to work yourself, but if you can examine the home life and tackle any issues which are there, which you can identify, it will hopefully go some way to helping him.

Just to contradict anonymosity, I had a friend whose son was very aggressive at 4 (I don't think he bit but he did scratch and hit). My friend was the most committed, loving mother you could find. She always reacted to her son's violence, but in a patient way. He did not go to any childcare until he was 3, and when he was there (just a few hours a week) he was given 1-2-1 help.

Anyway, my friend kept her ds back from school for a year (this is in Australia, where you can do that). He grew out of his aggressive behaviour. He just started school (aged almost 6) and is doing fine.

So, it might be that your ds is not ready for preschool, in which case taking him out would be the best. It might be that he does need help, and you need to be more pushy about getting him help. But he might just grow out of it.

Hi, Thanks for your answers. i cannot understand where this behaviour came from, he is in a loving home with me his dad & his older brother. He certainly has not seen violence at home & i believe strongly in manners & sharing etc which he simply cannot seem to learn. He started pre-school at just before 3 on 2 mornings a week, progressing to 3 then 5 as now when we got funding for him. He goes for 3 hours a morning. The strange thing is he always wants to go to school to see his friends as he says though really nobody wants to be near him & i see children physically flinch when he walks close by him as most have been caught in his "outbursts". Sometimes i watch him talking nicely & trying to climb on the climbing frame with other children, then when i leave he apparantly can push somebody off if they get too close to him. I have actually been present on a few occasions when he pushed a boy off the chair because he wanted to go on the computer & another because they were where he wanted to walk through, i could of sunk into the floor then it was so embarrassing!

Hi there. Please dont worry to much. Best thing to do is ask your sons nursery to call in someone such an inclusion officer to observe your son. They can help come up with ideas to help with his social communication skills. My son who is now 6 is fine at school now but is statemented and has a full time helper but attends mainstream school had similar problems when he was at nursery and they called in an educational physc etc and he got lots of help. My son was later diagnosed aged 4 and a half with autism spectrum disorder. He has learnt slowly how to manage himself in a school environment and also has many sensory issues and still dislikes children in his space etc. i am not of course saying this is your sons case at all but more the point that there are so many reasons a child has social problems etc and it is nothing you have done or not done! As for the comment above about your child not getting enough attention - ignore it! Comments like that are most unhelpful! I hope this helps.

try to find a nice mum at the pre school, explain your woes, and ask her if she'd mind bringing her ds round to play, to support your son in learning to play and cooperate. be open about your concerns about his behaviour, so she knows she can mention it if he's being inappropriate! keep getting one or two kids round, so he learns to share his toys/space, and meet out at the park etc if you can. this will help him build up a couple special friendships (or at least kids he tolerates!!)

that's what i'd do anyway - tough situation, and good luck - also keep bugging the doc for a referral to paediatrics in case it is a sensory/social interaction driven thang. good luck and chin up.

My ds used to push at pre school when he was 3/4. Used to be so upset when i picked him up and was told he was naughty again. I then started working at the pre school so i could see for myself what was happening. Turned out that yes they were watching him but they werent listening to what was happening before he pushed as they were to busy talking to each other. The other children were constantly snatching things from him or saying nasty things to him. Doesnt excuse pushing them but explains why as his communication wasnt great. The others would also be hurt by another child and automaticly? blame him as he was the "naughty one". They also never used to praise any of his good behaviour so it was all negative. When i put strategies in place to praise the good behavour and moniter him more closely to help him deal with situations without pushing his behavior improved remarkably! Hope this helps and things get better for you.

He's still young. Give him time and support. I would work on the support route- that would be more helpful than exclusion- can they get someone to observe him and then provide a 1 to 1 support or put measures in place- a strategy to deal with his behaviour? How's his speech? How does he play in his home environment with peers/brother? It seems rather naive just to exclude and label him as "naughty", not helpful at all.

I agree with GemKar that the pre-school needs to be involving the inclusion team, particularly as I assume your ds will be starting school in September.

Until the age if 2 my DS was the angel child, this seemed to change quite suddenly, possibly coincidentally that DD came along, after that. I have list count if the times I have been in tears/left activities/apologised over his aggressive and challenging behaviour. I also now realise that I have true friends who have stayed with us through this challenging period and others who have judged, gossiped and labelled him and who I have now decided I don't need in our lives to make me feel bad. Now age 4.3 he is turning back again into a very sweet little boy, still full of it but able to manage his emotions slightly better. I think then this is a phase with little boys and you will most likely cone through it with time and patience. Do find a truly sympathetic friend and carefully supervise play sessions. Be prepared to leave situations where his behaviour becomes unacceptable so he realises there is a consequence to his actions. I cut down private nursery care to one day and we both now prefer our local little Pre school where it is more focussed and task orientated. And one other thing, he was diagnosed with glue ear quite by accident last year. He had grommets fitted in January and made great leaps of improvement in social interaction. He is so
Much more even tempered and happy.