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At a loss for words

9 replies

babartheelephant · 07/03/2012 20:02

My 8 year old ds has always had a fiery temper. I suspect he gets it from me! Over the years, I have understood what the triggers are: food, lack of sleep, and more recently unbelievable frustration with his younger brother (2 years younger). I also have a dd 2 years older. I would consider myself to be a good loving mummy, who has pretty much put everything on hold for last 10 years in order to devote time and energy to children. I try to guide them towards good behaviour using all the usual methods. But I feel a bit lost with my 8 yr old. He is full of emotion and anger.
Tonight he stamped on his little brother because he bought Mayfair during a game of Monopoly. I was furious. He was brimming over with anger and frustration. He told me that he wanted to swear when he gets angry, so I told him to just let it out, if it would help, just this once. The words that came out of his mouth were really bad! Not from home, I hasten to add. There have been a lot of problems with swearing at school. But I felt at such a loss as to know how things had got to this stage. I rang my husband in tears, who told me not to worry. But I am worried. I don't think it is OK for a young child to want to swear like that. He has always been quite precocious in his vocabulary, always preferring to communicate with words rather than fists. Maybe this is an extension of that. But I really want to tell him off and for him to know that there are consequences for this. It's my fault because I told him to let it out, but now I don't really know what to do with it. Any advice?

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Chundle · 07/03/2012 20:20

Make him a postbox, tell him when he feels angry he can write his swear words down and post them in the angry postbox but he must never say them outloud as its rude and hurtful and frankly not very nice for such a young child to say them. I learnt this at and ADHD workshop and apparently works really well, yet to try it on my dd as her language isn't too bad - yet! Good luck!

babartheelephant · 07/03/2012 20:32

that's a really good idea ! thanks x

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tethersend · 07/03/2012 20:43

I think you did a very good thing letting him release his anger that way, actually. Well done. You can't go back on it and punish him for swearing now, it would undo your good work.

Rightly or wrongly, he is angry, and expressing this verbally, though not ideal, is better than expressing it physically. Is there a private space he can go to when he feels like this and swear/hit pillows etc? If he can learn to recognise his own triggers and remove himself from a situation before he loses (he will need a lot of support from you to do this at first) then that is a massive, massive success.

babartheelephant · 07/03/2012 20:52

I have been in tears on and off since this happened and you have both said such kind reassuring things. There's always that awful moment where you think you are the worst mother in the world.
I reckon you are right tethersend (love your name by the way) - if I can help him channel his anger into some space where it won't hurt others, then that would be a start. Oddly, after his outburst, where all I could think was "Just don't show him you are shocked" he just stopped and said "Done" and swallowed hard. Then he ate his dinner, said sorry to me and his brother and felt better. Unlike me.
I know that there will be rollercoaster moments along the way. I only tend to go to mumsnet when we've had a row! But thanks for this practical suggestion.

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slowginny · 07/03/2012 21:01

Sign him up for a business studies course as soon as you can and hope he turns into a property tycoon, keeping you in your dotage. Obviously i don't condone his behaviour but Monopoly is a serious game for many, myself included.

tethersend · 07/03/2012 21:42

Even better that you didn't show you were shocked Smile

Never punish anger. Anger is a valid feeling, even if it is irrational. Just try and channel what he does when he is angry into something appropriate; this will help him to develop strategies to manage his own anger; which, incidentally, he is doing already. He knows he doesn't want to hit anyone, and the swearing is a coping strategy for him. It's not just a start, it's actually bloody amazing for an 8 yo. Your job now is just to guide him, one step at a time to manifest and manage his anger appropriately. Praise him for removing himself from stressfull situations, for not hitting when you can see he wants to, etc.

As adults, we often leave a situation which is making us angry and swear or shout into the void; in a way, what he is doing is quite appropriate.

Can he manage his anger ok at school?

diotima · 07/03/2012 21:43

OP - His swearing is not like adult swearing, which is a learnt behaviour. For an 8 year-old, it's about novelty, shock value and playing at being older than you are. I don't know about ADHD kids. I wouldn't encourage him in this mode of expressing anger and frustration. It worth considering that he's been upset and confused by hearing swearing himself, particularly if he is a verbal child. What exactly did he say? (abbreviated!). You say he gets his temper from you. How do you regulate it?

babartheelephant · 10/04/2012 16:59

I just came back to this thread after many weeks off mumsnet, and saw some other comments - thank you.
I think with hindsight you are all right to say that he is managing his anger as best he can and not hitting (on the whole).
I don't swear in front of the children (in fact hardly ever in front of anyone except my husband but not in anger)
Since I wrote this post, I have read Siblings without Rivalry, which was a good recommendation from a mum at school. And we are on a more even keel too.

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phlossie · 10/04/2012 21:58

I'm glad you're feel a bit better! It's not your fault your ds knows swear words if he hears them at school - my 6yo ds told me that people with dark skin weren't as clever as people with light skin, which shocked the hell out of me - but it was something he'd heard at school and all I could do was deal with it!

Chundle's advice was exactly what I'd say - you could get him to shout into a pillow too (that's what I do!).

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