advice about what to do in situations with my 2 year old

[ronnieb]

Hi
I need some advice, I have a dd who will be 2 in 3 weeks, she is a lovely little girl, generally happy, and usually good.

I am a stay at home mum, who finds if very hard to 'fit in' I go to a couple of music groups (one being jo jingles) each week, which I have done since she was 6 months old.

I find it very hard to make friends, and I dont have any family apart from my mum and dad, so at christmas, she only got presents from me and DH and nan and grandad (my brother didnt bother to send her anything) so at times I feel very lonely and isolated, even though I do take her swimming, and to pay zones, though its always me and her alsone.

She is very funny at home, and gabbles away constantly, words are starting to form and she absolutly loves her books., however when we are out she is very reticent and is always at the back of the crowd.
For example if anything is being handed out, she will get hers last because she just wont push herself forward, in fact I dont think that if I never pushed her, she wouldnt get anything.

One of the groups that I go to, has a section where they get a load of teddy bears out, DD has a particular favorite, but wont grab it, but gets really upset if another kid gets it, last week, a little boy picked up this teddy, and she was really upset, fortunatly he dropped it after about 30 secs, so I grabbed it for her, she was fine until they did a song on a blanket, and dd put her teddy down and another little boy grabbed it, and started to cuddle it, you can imagine what happened next... scream !! fortunatly the other little boys mum took it off him, and gave it back to her, and apologised to me...

I spoke to her afterwards and thanked her for giving it to me, but I did say, that I didnt know what to do because she does need to learn to share, and learn that they are for the enjoyment of all.

I can see this situation happening again this week, and need to ask... would you try and take it from the other boy who took it, or would you try to pacify your child with something else (when nothing else will do)

Being a mum can be very hard, simply because I dont have the experience of how to handle situations with other children, as Im not close with other mums to be able to talk and get proper advice

I sound like a real sad case dont I

Thanks for your help

to answer the teddy bear question, no i wouldn't take it off another child. i would try and pacify her with something else.

someone on my postnatal thread gave me some good advice which was to go to groups where you think you'll meet people who are like-minded.
ie, if you're into lentils, making your own nappies and eating organic... then try baby yoga!

is there anyone you know from jo jingles (or anywhere else) that has a child the same age, or who may have similar interests to you?
maybe you could arrange with a couple of the other mums to go to a soft play place one day so you can have a chat with them and get to know them better... i find it's much easier if there is a smaller group.

2 year olds are too young to appreciate the concept of sharing

cut yourself some slack .. she sounds perfectly normal .. and anyone with a 2 year old would know that and expect that kind of behaviour

now you've spoken to this one mum .. make a beeline for her next week .. smile and chat and show interest in her child .. if you click invite her out for coffee or a park trip

good luck .. you don't sound sad .. just a little isolated

not a sad case at all Ronnieb . i have taken all 3 of my ds's to music class and have had similar situations. i know its hard that they make a sound but its probably a good idea she starts to learn about sharing. i would maybe say 'taking turns' as my boys have understood that better as sharing is a sort of abstract concept as children don't really see adults sharing their possessions. i wouldn't let her fixate on this particular bear as it will teach her to be possessive of it. hard but grit your teeth and actively seek out another bear. you could even say that other bear is sick or a bit broken and here is the brother/sister of the bear? give it a name or each week say here is another one of the bear family - granny, uncle etc. try and use humour.
you could try taking turns with her toys at home, asking for a turn of her bear/doll/pram etc. and saying thank you and then saying now its your turn. i would be very matter of fact and just say 'its mumm'ys turn, then your turn - she will then hopefully learn there maybe a little wait. if you feel she isn't quite ready for taking turns you could maybe try bringing a bear to the music group to avoid any conflict and just delay it for a few weeks/month and try again. the more she sees other children and yourself taking turns she will want to engage with the other children and try.
good luck for next week!

You sound alot like me, i have a dd who is 2 next week, when she's at home she does'nt stop talking and is very confident, when i take her out to play groups/centres she turns into a shy little girl who is very nervous of other kids and people, she does'nt like playing with other kids unless they are a few years older than her, if someone takes a toy off her she scrams, she cry's at strangers (mainly females). I'm realy worried that it is my fault she is like this as i am a shy person, i dont know what to do to make her more confident when she's out and i'm dreding when she has to start play group.

exactly the same here ronnieb. No concept of sharing which i don't think is unusual and distraction is the only way i've found and not always successful. At home she definitely talks more and is more outgoing than she is out. Can sometimes come across as quite sulky when she's out. I also have no one of similar circumstances. Found it difficult to "connect" with any other mums out there with children of similar age. Where abouts are you?

was just going to say.... how about seeing if there are any MN meets in your area?
if anyone is in sussex area i'd be up for a coffee!

ronnieb/marne, about your dds being reticent and nervious in groups, I don't necessarily think that is a shy trait. It might be too early to say. What it probably indicates is cautiousness in new situations, discerning of who they open up to - which is not a bad thing. I also think my dd hangs around at the edge of kiddie crowds. But then the nursery staff tell me that for table activities (where children sit around a table to draw, colour etc), my dd is first to elbow her way in and some times does not want to get off! So it could be that your dds will be fine in group activities in school in a familiar environment and familiar faces. I know my dd can take ages to warn up to new faces, even in her own home. But once she gets going, she is cuddly, showing off, probably behaving exactly as your dds are at home.

I think it is a lot to ask a child to feel instantly comfortable in a playgroup situation esp at 2. The surroundings might be familiar but the faces keep changing. This oversensitivity (eg screaming if another child grabs their toy) is perfectly normal at this age. If at all possible, make it easier for your dds to push themselves forward? eg arrive earlier so as to give her time to warm up when there are fewer people, sit nearer the front of the group and nearer THE teddy. You are doing the right thing.