20 month old tantrums and is refusing to eat at home please help!

[HollyRose6]

Hi i'm new!

Really need some advice as DS is doing my head in. 2 weeks ago he started having huge tantrums which sometimes last over an hour. Basically he screams whilst lying on the floor punching and kicking it. At first these tantrums would be as a result of a spercific thing like: not letting him play in the gravel (because its fall of cat poo) or because I didn't let him throw something at the neighbour's dog but now he seems to be having tantrums all the time for no reason. This morning he woke up all smiles and giggles and within 2 mins he was screaming and I have no idea what I did wrong! grrrrrrrr! I am struggling to cope slightly as I am a single mum and it is hard work. He has also started having tantrums in the night but as he is safe in his cot I ignore him and just pop my head round the door every 2 mins to check he is ok.

I have read that with tantrums the best thing to do is ignore them but i've been tryignt o think how I can do that but still keep him safe. When he is having one of these tantrums in the day do you think its ok if I put him in his travelcot/play pen and then leave him to it? I think he will be safe in there as it is padded and it is very tall so he can't climb out.

Any other tips/suggestions?

He has also stopped eating for me at home. I know its not illness or teeth because he is eating like a horse at nursery! Anyone else going through this?

Oh and anyone got any yummy easy to cook recipes that he might like?

Thank you in advance!

Welcome!

Well at that age, DS tantrums would be because he was tired/hungry etc and couldn't articulate it so wouldkick off (think about how easy it is to be grumpy when you're tired for example).

So give your DS regular decent snacks (not bits of apple or rice cake, things like cheese, yoghurt, biscuits, bananas, peanut butter on toast etc) perhaps mid morning and mid afternoon. Don't worry about spoiling meals - little ones need a lot of energy and a greater proportion of fat in their diet.

Mornings - give him something to eat as soon as you go in. It could be something small like half a slice of toast. Think of it as part of his breakfast.

As for meals - well they go through phases (and DS always eats better for nursery than me). So cook simple basic nutritional stuff you know he likes and add something new every now and then but don't worry if he refuses. Just ignore and leave him to it for a bit. DS prefers things where he can see the ingredients and not if mixed up eg not a fan of lasagne but will eat mince and pasta separately with veg on the side.

How are his naps? Try and encourage one a day even in the pushchair.

As for dealing with tantrums - I only now ignore now that DS is older (2.5 years) but before I'd pick him up and say "yes you're sad/angry because you can't do x" then distract or take away. So far we've not had many major ones - in fact only if he's hungry or missed a nap!

Hi Iggly thanks for the advice. He is still having one good length nap a day although I will admit this can sometimes be a bit hit and miss at nursery. When he is with me he has his nap after his lunch and is normally awake again at about 2-2:30ish. He self settles in his cot no problems.

His night time sleep has been tricky but I think most children his age go through some sort of sleep regression.

Its interesting what you say about the mornings as I do offer him milk and toast straight away. Normally he would gobble this up but this week he has refused it. I have tried various other breakfast ideas but he will not eat any of them. He has also completely gone off his yogurts which is so annoying as these were a fail safe good snack.

I have tried to hold him gently during a tantrum and calm him down but he screams harder and sometimes punches or bites me until I put him down. Also he wriggles so hard i'm scared of dropping him.

Ds is the same age and has epic tantrums for months now. I totally agree with what Iggly said about snacks and frustration.

Ds often does the wriggly hitting thing when he is really upset, he seems to be able to magically make himself heavier and slippy! I sit on the floor in that case because there is no danger of dropping him.

I think its a combination of reassuring them about these overwhelming feelings, letting them get it out of their system and giving them an opportunity to move on. So offering favourite toys, books, snacks when the time seems right. I have a stash of vaguely forbidden items I try not to let him get normally but are not actually dangerous eg my toothbrush, make up, torch etc. and the prospect of fiddling with these often cheers him up.

About the food, keep offering, even things he's never liked and don't make a big deal if he does or doesn't eat it , so it doesn't become a power thing for him. Ds suddenly stops eating favourites and starts wolfing down other stuff he's never touched. Different types of cheese, ham, humous, avocado can all be offered as snacks or alongside meals if you think he might not eat the main bit.

Ds doesn't go to nursery but I find he will eat food when other people (eg granny) give it to him but refuse when its me. I think they are starting to learn that they can please people but mums don't need this, they'll always be there!

Hello showmethepony! I'm so glad your child also has the ability to suddenly become heavier and slippy, I thought I was going mad.

I like the idea about having forbidden toys to cheer him up, he loves my keys so i'll try those.

Poor you having months of this. I'm only on week 3 and I feel like i'm going mad!

Can you hold him facing outwards? And a firm no for any hitting etc?

Also in the morning maybe offer two options or let him get them from a table or something so he has control?

Yes DS went off breakfast and we tried different things. In the end we just kept seving the usual (porridge), had fruit on the side for him to add/eat. Then we'd give him something a bit later but not connect it to eating breakfast. He soon came back to porridge - I think eating altogether helps as he sees us having it too.

I really try not to make a big deal if he doesn't eat and eat with him so the focus isn't always on him. This can mean me having tea at 5pm but I find the idea odd of one person while another watches on telling you to eat up. DS definitely had a reduction in appetite (which came back) around 20 months. Again I offered a small bite before bath time if he hadn't eaten and didn't offer his old meal reheated as I don't want food to become a battle. We also don't have puddings unless a treat.

For recipe ideas try your local library - the annabel karmel ones are alright (DS likes homemade chicken burgers and salmon fishcakes for example)

My DD has just started tantrums and I read that ignoring is not the best plan (different book obviously!). It suggested acknowledging their angst helps, whilst overall trying to pre-empt the tantrums and when they occur offer diversion tactics. It said top reasons for tantrums were hunger; tiredness; frustration. Bloody confusing isn't it. I spent 40 mins with a tantruming toddler who I was ignoring the other day. She was pissed off that she had to stop pushing her buggy and go inside to playgroup. So I figure instead of ignoring her I should have told her several times that it was playgroup and that she would have to stop pushing dolly, so she knew what was expected. Then try to get her excited about playdough.

The book I've got says there are 2 types of tantrums ( the above) and manipulative tantrums (trying to get what they want). It says you tell them apart depending on the level of angst/real tears, the 1st type having real tears and the second manipulative type crocodile or no tears. Book is by Margot Sunderland 'what every parent needs to know' if you're interested.

Hi again Iggly I think DS has lost his appetite for the time being but I will try your idea of offering him more options. I do agree that he needs to eat with me too. The problem is we are living with my mum at the moment and she insists that her and I eat once DS is in bed. But i'm 26 for goodness sake and I can eat when I want so i'll give eating with him a go. I recently stopped puddings too apart from fruit.

DS's dad kicked us out of our home when DS was only 10 months and we've been back with my mum since but i've nearly got enough money together to move out, not long now.

I have tried holding him outwards and then try bouncing him to soothe him but he just does this thing with his body where he slides out of my grip (how does he do that!?) and then he ends up on the floor even more grumpy than before.

Hi also sootysweepandsue it will never cease to amaze me the amazing amount of conflicting advice various baby/toddler books give! But thank you so much for telling me about that author and book because I will read it and see if their ideas work as my current approach is not working. I do partly agree with the ignoring technique but then I think it is wrong to leave a child to scream.

It was funny last night he threw a huge tantrum because he'd rolled in his cot and had hit the side which woke him up. I went up to him and found him head banging the end of the cot. He was like a bull trying to take it on. It was quite funny. I moved him away and tried to settle him but he wouldn't stop. In the end I said very loudly "Zac stop!" and I pick him and sat him on my bed (we share a room) and he actually stopped and then went back in the cot with no fuss. But when i've tried that at other times he gets even more cross.

I can honestly say I will never ever have another child ever again! I love him to pieces and he is my world but never again!

Things must be so hard for you! Can you introduce some basic rules or routines around meal times? DS loves order! Eg he picks his cutlery and takes it to the table for example, or we all sit in the same chairs etc etc. Also he responds better if I keep it simple when telling him to do something instead of explaining.

If he slides to the floor then leave him and sit near him? If you do hold him, don't move or bounce him just keep him safe.

When you do offer options, just keep it to two and hold them both for him to see. It works when you want them to do something - eg instead of saying put your coat on, you say "this coat or this coat"? Or shoes, let them chose which foot first.

Iggly thank you for all your advice. And yes things can be hard for me but I always say to myself that there are lots of people worse off then me so I must just get on with it. I know things will be a lot better when we are in our own house. I love my mum dearly but her house is a tiny 2 bed cottage and DS is slowly destroying it which is very stressful and mum, understandably, gets quite annoyed sometimes. She can be quite negative about my ability to be a good mum which gets me down a bit sometimes.

Yesterday when he was having his 4th tantrum of the day I put on the teletubbies on as this sometimes calms him and this time it worked. He stopped crying and lay there watching it so I got on the floor and lay next to him and stroked his hair and then he turned to me, screamed at me and started the tantrum all over again. Its nice to feel loved isn't it?! Bless him I know he doesn't mean it really.

Re meal times with DS one thing I think might really help me is getting him a small table and chair as this is what he eats at at nursery and I think it will make him feel more grown up etc. There isn't room for a dining table at mum's but I could fit in a small toddler one.

Also good advice with the choices i'll keep it to just 2 things. Thank you.