Is it possible for a trauma experienced as a baby to affect their development later on as a child?

[TheRhubarb]

I ask because we've had plenty of issues surrounding ds. He's always been clingy but this suddenly got very much worse during the last summer holidays, so much so that I took him to our GPs in a right old state because I couldn't even leave the room and he was having bedtimes fears every single night including nightmares at least twice a night - every night.

We've been through the mill but are finally seeing the light and he's so much better. However I was asked about pregnancy, the birth and any traumas and the only thing I could think of was something happening when he was around 8 months old that upset me a little at the time but which made him hysterical. A friend's teenage daughter wanted to wheel him round the neighbourhood for a bit. He was asleep and so I agree, asking her to bring him back if he woke up. She was gone for around an hour and a half and when she brought him back he was hysterical. Apparently he'd woken up just after she had left the house but she didn't bring him back, instead she tried to soothe him herself and then took him to a neighbour for her to soothe him. When he didn't she finally brought him back. He was in hysterics for a while and I even tried breastfeeding him again (I had stopped some weeks back) to calm him. That night he would not settle and was very clingy and very disturbed.

Now years later I recalled the story to a psychologist helping with ds and she seems to think this incident may have triggered his problems now, which is why he cannot tell us what is wrong, because his defences are in-built and have been since he was a baby. So he has fears that I will leave him, he is afraid of being on his own etc but he cannot articulate or rationalise those fears.

Could this be right? Has he suffered all this time because of one incident? If so how can we hope to calm his fears now?

Ds's diagnosis didn't really help - I'd come to terms with him being the way he was before that, tbh. Ds1, by the way, plays well, is hugely imaginative, can share things, has lots of friends and recognises emotion. His interpretation of why people might react to things the way they do is sometimes somewhat odd, though! And he can say somewhat insensitive things - comes across as hypersensitive to his own feelings, but not hugely sensitive to others' (everything goes back to him...). I just ended up explaining things matter of factly to him and found that once I had started viewing them as matter of fact rather than charged with frightening levels of emotion, that I was much better at calming him down and getting him to listen to me and trust me. And eventually there was a breakthrough, when he was a little over six and a half, when he finally seemed to realise that when I tried to show him ways of becoming more independent, or give him opportunities to be independent, this wasn't because I was trying to get away from him, but because I loved him and that is what a mother is supposed to do: help their child look after himself and be independent, so that he can have the choice to leave her, not the other way around, and done in the hope that he will sometimes want to spend time with her later on through love, not through need. I think ds now understands that his growing independence is for his benefit and enjoyment, not mine, and that independence can be enjoyable once you know that it doesn't mean loneliness and being left to flounder.

I'm sure you will find things get easier, TheRhubarb. It just doesn't feel like it when you are in the thick of it and have a ds too young to understand adult rationalisations.

Cheers. Ds is 8 by the way and I do take the approach with him that I have taken with children who have Aspergers (used to be a SN TA), i.e. telling him exactly what will happen, what our plans are, what the routine will be etc but to no real avail. He doesn't crave routine or plans and is happy to go along with anything so long as I am there.

It is hard although things have got better just by us re-setting our expectations and as you said, living in the present and dealing with the here and now. But we do have setbacks and as he gets older I worry about how he will cope and what we can do next to help him. After this last lot of counselling, that's it for him and I'm going to feel quite alone after all the support I've received. I just wish I knew what to say to him when he's sobbing his heart out 10 mins after being put to bed. What can I say? He can't tell me why he's so frightened and fearful and I just can't seem to be able to console him

I wish I had a magic wand!

this might help www.adoptionuk.org/information/103254/thewall/

(ps when I say he realised being independent wasn't so bad at six and a half, I actually mean he stopped rigidly and determinedly resisting any efforts to help him towards independence at that age - his natural state is still to be made anxious by any new expectations, but he can now get over that after being given a bit of time to get his head around it! Prior to that, even asking him to dress himself was a cause of colossal stress, because he couldn't understand why I wouldn't just do it for him. And leaving him at a party was a definite betrayal - whereas nowadays he doesn't see it as parental cruelty and a chance for his mother to leave the country, just a situation in which he will feel slightly anxious for a few minutes and then he will enjoy himself and be picked up at the end along with all the other children. Oh, and being given resonsibilities not yet allowed to his little db is a huge help, too - he's more willing to take on responsibility if he sees it as a special privilege for him, because he is grown up, and not something his db is allowed to do).

Ds has never been bothered by routine. He didn't need the routines explained to him, it was why he had to be in the entire situation, not how the situation was going to pan out, that bothered him. He used to love going on holiday with us and having new adventures - so long as we were with him the whole way and not asking him to use any skills of independence.

I found that night time fears became a vicious circle and then impacted on the day. They are tired therefore react more anxiously at night. Can't sleep well/keep waking up/coming in therefore more tired the next night so even more anxiety and so on. It took me years to see this pattern but if you can break that by early to bed with a calming story for a few nights and combine that with a reward for not coming in for a few nights then things may get better.

I am now at the stage where things are fine for weeks/months but then will follow a period of waking in the night/anxiety again. If I can break that pattern then we're ok again. Days are far better too.

i also found that showing just a smidgin of irritation in the night backfired and took so much longer to get him back to sleep.

Have you tried any of the books for children on anxiety? eg "What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety"??

Ds doesn't mind doing independent things at home, with us there. He'll bathe himself, he'll indulge in creative play, he'll draw pictures (endless pictures telling me just how much he loves me) but I guess some of his habits might be picked up as Aspergers. Then again having Aspergers means nothing really does it? No one child is the same and the same set of attributes won't apply to everyone.

I have a copy called The Incredible Years which is useful but I haven't heard of that one rabbitstew, it sounds very helpful and I'll order that. He likes reading.

shewhowines, yes it does become a vicious circle doesn't it? However he does have a good bedtime routine and tbh we can't often predict when he'll react. Sometimes when he's up there on his own for a while after a stressful day I think he'll start but he doesn't, yet can start at the weekend when we've had a lovely day and he's only just been put to bed.

Just chatting with dh now about him coming home from school. I think dh finds it all harder to deal with than I do.

Hi rhubarb I find reading this thread very interesting, I don't have any advice really but I thought I would share my experience with my son -much less severe though. Ds was born at 27 weeks after my placenta ruptured they literally sliced me open-crash c section- and pulled him out of the blood. We both fought for our lives. We bothe recovered and thought little of it until ds was about 2 when he fell and cut his head badly he didn't even cry ,until he saw blood on me, where he had been resting against me I had blood all down my face and he turned hysterical, I mean totally screaming and screaming. This happened a few more times, when I cut my finger in the kitchen etc until he finally explained that he thought me bleeding meant I was going to die and leave him. He says he remembers...? Now im Not sure if that possible but it's definitely the root of his fear, anyone elses blood is fine but mine - he freaks out. I took him to see the nurse and she said we should never underestimate what they remember or felt, slowly his fear has improved every time I scratch myself etc I show him and reassure him. This approach has worked for us the gradual but consistent exposure. Thankfully I don't cut myself often but these days he still worries but is calmer. I don't think I've helped at all sorry but I just wanted to say That in my experience (not as severe i know)things can improve and I hope your little boy is ok.

Have you looked at the science of parenting by margot sutherland it explains brain development and the impact of this it may help you understand more aboiut how

I've found it's not so much the good bedtime routine- although that helps - it is just far more sleep that breaks the pattern.

Play therapy might help with unresolved traumas, though my personal view is that CBT type therapy is better at dealing with the practical problem.

I think that if this event did affect your son, that is because he was born with a brain predisposed to being affected by something other children may have shrugged off. In any case he needs some help to manage his anxiety.

Hi there - your thread has really resonated with me as DS1 was a bloody awful sleeper. Night tremors, nightmares, the lot. He didn't actually sleep through the night until he was nearly 4. However, after speaking to MIL it seems there is a huge genetic component to this as ther is a huge amount of sleep issues in DH's side including night tremors, sleep walking, excessive sleep talking, acting out dreams etc.

Have you considered that it might be heredity?

Thankfully Ds1 is 10yrs now and could sleep anywhere.

I think the link to a possible traumatic event is looking for anything that might have caused cortisol flooding in the brain. The trouble is that what constitutes a traumatic event is completely dependant on the individual's perception of it and of course your DS was too young to talk about it or even remember it consciously now.

However, if there WAS an event that has made him hyper-vigilant and triggered off some traumatic coping mechanisms then that CAN be worked with and a good psychotherapist should be equipped to work with it. Not with CBT which doesn't fix the problem, but does give you ways to cope, but with trauma work which can switch off the hyper-sensitivity.

You could have had no way of knowing that your DS would react like that or even if that was a triggering event, it's so subjective. It does sound like it's worth working with though.

Thanks for all your comments. Mama1980 that sounds horrendous and I'm glad your ds is getting over it now.

Perhaps he was born with a pre-disposition to be sensitive? He was restless as a baby, didn't sleep as well as dd at all and seemed to want more cuddles. He also breastfed for comfort rather than anything else.

I will order a few books from Amazon as I feel ill-equipped to deal with this. As I said, this course of counselling is the last stage of treatment we're being offered but I really do wish that someone could talk us through, as a family, ways in which we can help him.

TheCrackFox - nothing on dh's side at all and of course MIL would have me believe that they were all perfect angels. History of depression and anxiety on my side but not sure if that's through nature or nurture.

It's all interesting and does help me to have a greater understanding of these things. I'll keep being encouraging for now and with the school tummy aches I'm just going to have to be strict and insist that he stays at school, although he told me that he was screaming yesterday whilst waiting for me to arrive so I'm not sure if it's fair to disrupt other children

I do feel we need more help, but unfortunately the NHS don't seem willing or able to provide it so I guess we're just going to have to figure this out by ourselves.

The school can help you get more help if you think you need it, if is affecting his school life. Ask them to refer you. Definitely go down that route. If not go back to the doctor and insist you need further help. Don't give up and be fobbed off. Be a pain in the neck if you need to be.

It may be that he will grow out of it though or it may be better for him to take on board the psychology of anxiety and how to overcome it when he is older (11- 12ish?).

Definitely read a few books on anxiety and see if there is anything obvious that you can do to help him. There may be things that you recognise that you are doing yourself which is feeding his anxiety. By changing some aspects of your behaviour, things may improve.

Good luck

Thank you x

rhubarb, thanks for your lovely post and the link you gave me. I've had a quick look and it could be a useful place for me to find help.

the hardest thing is finding people (particularly on the NHS) who can help. Currently CAMHS have told us that the trauma DD experienced is neither severe (not sure who decides that?) nor ongoing enough for them to get involved and they won't touch toileting issues until she's 7. So that's a bit of a dead end for us :(

The pyschologist we have been seeing sporadically has now spoken to someone else who thinks the behavioural therapy hasn't gone far enough so they want us to start all over again! my DD doesn't really respond to reward charts and besides at nearly 5 she know how to the play the game and does what she knows she needs to do without any real intention to follow things through if that makes sense.

I really hope you can get the right help for your DS although it does sound like you're floundering as much as me right now. it's no fun having to deal with an anxious/sensitive child and it sounds like you've had to cope with it far longer than me

Hey, I hope they can help. We were put onto an NHS waiting list for mental health therapy but were told that children who self harmed and who were abused also needed access to this resource, so I took his name off as I couldn't bear to be taking the place of an abused child - which is how they made it sound.

He has come on a lot in the last year but mainly through our efforts and following the tips and strategies put in place by the Positive Parenting Course run by the Parent Support Advisers at the school. Thing is, as you've said, the situation is very complex and there are loads of things you can refer to, many incidents and potential triggers that I fear I'm not able to give anyone a clear picture of what is going on.

I'm so sorry you feel so abandoned. We can only hope and pray that by our efforts and their own biological and mental changes as they get older, that their fears become less and they are able to reason and rationalise things more.

Best of luck x