DD1 (7 years old) behaves appallingly - help needed

[OlympicGoldPennies]

I am at the end of my tether with DD who is insolent, self-centrered, bad mannered, demanding, ungrateful, wilful, defiant and rude. Obviously she is not like this all of the time but increasingly so and her teacher at school has even started to mention it to me.

As a toddler she was just lovely and of course she still has times when she's totally adorable and fun but to be honest these times are becoming less and less . I miss the old DD and find it hard to cope with the current version of her, although of course I love her so very, very much.

She is particularly bad at mealtimes when her dad is here (he works long hours so she only really sees him at weekends) even though she's a good eater.

I am, and have always been, quite a strict parent and I follow through on my threats. I do not smack my children but use time out, denials of privileges and consider myself to be pretty consistent in my sanctions. DH is much more lenient than me and makes up ridiculous punishments that he cannot deliver on (e.g. I'll cancel Christmas, or we won't go on holiday) despite me asking him to not do it - he gets so caught up in the situation that he thinks of the worst thing that can happen without thinking it through IYSWIM. If I say that she can't do something or something is going to be taken away she says she doesn't care.

As well as meal time problems she is rude to babysitters (won't do as she's told), defiant to her teacher ("make me") and aggressive to me.

How on earth can I stop this in its tracks?

Oh you poor thing , this sounds really difficult and quite miserable! If you're not happy with the way things are then the likelihood is your dd isn't either and it sounds like you all need a bit of a pick-me-up!

One thing I noticed in your thread is that it is all very negative. The only discipline strategies you mention revolve around negative consequences...what do you do to reinforce good behaviour? If you always focus on the naughty behaviour, your daughter will think she IS naughty and will conform to the stereotype iyswim.

If it is any comfort - I think 7-8 is a really difficult age for girls.
When someone starts a sentence with 'I dont know what has got into my DD she is a nightmare at the moment' I can be pretty sure they are talking about a 7/8 year old.

My DD went through it and I was really shocked. She had never been in anyway difficult before.

You need to stick to your boundaries, be consistant and DONT get into arguments. I think its what they want because it realises a bit of that pent up rage they seem to have going on.

I also really think that as the stuff is coming out of their mouths they KNOW they shouldnt say it, they dont mean it but it just sort of comes out.

The fact she is doing it outside the home is a little bit more worrying though. I think that is more unusual.

Do you think there is something that could have sparked this off?
Could you sit her down over a grown up lunchy type thing and ask her why she thinks she is being like this?

You might find she is desperately confused and wants someone to sort it out for her.

Dont despair. I know its hard.

Interesting point. I do tell her how proud I am of her when she's been good but take this morning she DEMANDED pancakes for breakfast as her opening gambit. When she was told no (because no time to cook them and she asked rudely) she screamed and point blank refused anything else. She was iffered toast, cereal, fruit, yoghurt. She then demanded fried egg which DH gave her because he's obsessed with them eating food. I would have put a piece of toast and a banana in front of her and said that was all that was on offer and get on with it.

I then said that she had 20 minutes to eat it until 7.55. She was still there mucking around with it at 8.10.

When she's like this it's hard to offer a carrot because there's not much to reward.

I have flu at the moment otherwise I'd have taken greater control. I'd never have given her the egg and regardless of how much she'd eaten I'd have taken it away at 7.55.

My DD is 8, and would appear to be going through the same as yours. We went to the animal park and huge playarea on Saturday and she ended up stropping and hitting her brother all the way home because she hadn't had a turn on one particular swingy thing.
DH normally gets cross and I normally try to keep it calmer and we've found it really helps when we're both on the same page otherwise it gets a bit divide and conquer. I'd have done the same as you this morning, I have to say.
I also shocked her ino good behaviour for a whole half day by speaking to her one morning like she speaks to us sometimes, and asking her nicely if she liked being talked to that way.

My friend who is a paediatric nurse recommends a star chart, with a difference. You have an aim to give her 10 stars a day, and make a big thing of each star. This both re-enforces her good behaviour (any of it), and more importantly it makes you see the good behaviour and pay attention when she is good.
I have also done 5,3,1, Go a lot with my kids, so "We go in 5 minutes", then "We go in 3 minutes" then "We go in 1 minute" Then we GO! (regardless of state of dress etc.). This I started after one nightmare visit to the playground.

Maybe look at some books like How to talk... will give you some more ideas.

I'm not a perfect parent but when something isn't working I try something else.

Have already got HTT (got it for dd2 who has calmed down loads so I never had to use it!) so will dig that out and read it.

Star charts only work if children care about getting stars.

Sticker / reward charts have had limited success in this house. Neither seem that fussed TBH, which is odd because at school they live and die by them.

Yes there seems to be something about 7 year olds. Last time I posted about it someone linked this which made me feel better :)

My DN started her periods last year (10.8) . quite young i think, anyhow i digress, the previous 18 months-2 years previous, she was indeed the Devil Incarnate to be around. Just a thought Olympic.

I do think they are so much more self-aware than "we" were. I do hope things settle down for you. I have this all to come DD is 4. Should be a bundle of laughs for the both of us, i reckon i'll just be steaming into the Meno-pause..

AngryFeet - I also have a 7 year old and looked at your link in anticipation. But then I saw it refers to Piaget. Unfortunately, his theories of developmental stages have been disproved by advances in science!

Nope you've totally misunderstood, the sticker chart isn't for her, but to make you notice that she is good or does something right at least ten times a day. You spot her being good and reward it, and hopefully the good behaviour will increase, as she is getting attention. You also notice that she is not bad all the time.
But the key thing is you have to spot ten good instances everyday, it's your responsibility, not hers.

I am, and have always been, quite a strict parent

My humble submission is that since that obviously isn't working, maybe you should try something else? Perhaps something radically different from being strict -- because being strict hasn't produced the goods, has it? This is what I discovered with DS (also 7, now). Being strict was a waste of time. Being sympathetic got us miles of improvement. Willingness to change your strategy is a sign of good parenting, even if it goes against conventions. Turns out that DS is quite anxious (immature, too). Being strict was never going to help me learn that.

I too was wondering about whether a slightly softer approach might get more positive results. I recently read a fantastic book, often recommended on here, called Playful Parenting. It's a bit cheesy in parts but the basic idea is that kids act out when they feel isolated or powerless. Play is the way kids deal with their emotions. If adults play with kids in certain ways (and the author gives specific advice about what is helpful and what isn't) then parents can help children feel more connected and powerful and consequently improve behaviour. I thought it was a very kind book - kind to both kids and adults. I've tried out quite a few of the ideas and have been very impressed with the results. Might be worth a go?

Well I have had a really lovely quiet chat with her after school and lots of cuddles and saying nice things. She said she didn't know why she did it and said it made her feel bad. We agreed on a reward chart whereby she gets money if she does things well but there will be deductions for bad behaviour. We have been thinking about starting formal pocket money as she's rather focused on the stuff (like her dad ) so I thought this might be what she might respond to.

So we designed the chart and I was trying to print it off whilst she was eating dinner. It was literally 10 minutes after we'd had our chat and cuddles and she pissed around throughout the meal and ended up throwing her knife on the floor. It was like the previous 30 minutes had never happened.

Ragged - I am willing to do whatever gets results. She is a confident child but can be immature too so perhaps I expect too much of her.

Neolara I will get that book and see if it is any help - it looks good.

Oooh this rings a bell..

WHen DD1 was 7-9 she was evil. Absolutely horrible to be around, mean to her siblings, vile to us and just a ginormous pain the backside. I really really couldn't like her at all:( I remember thinking 'oh God if she is like this now what will she be like as a teenager?!'

But somewhere between 9 and 10 she became reasonable again.. and actually once a teenager she was fantastic! In my DD1's case I think it was worse because she is very strong willed and determined and she was no longer a little girl who took my word as the truth and who adored me..she was testing her independence and she became actually more independent our relationship improved.

She's now a young adult and is as caring, lovely and nice a person as you could meet... and still very determined!!

My 7 year old dd can be an obnoxious little madam too!

Does your DD have anything he really enjoys Olympic The only thing that makes my DD think abut her behaviour is removing her CD player from her room for a week as a punishment when she really misbehaves.

We have a sicker chart here too which has limited success.

The Incredible Years is a good book for behavioural issues. The system worked wonders for DS1 who has ADHD.

I am guilty of expecting too much, too. In DC3's case because he has older siblings who tended to be mature for age, unlike DS who is decidedly immature. I flash back to what I expected of eldest child when he was 7 & it was a lot less really, than what I expect of my current 7yo.

I find the more introverted my children are the better they seem to behave, perhaps because I'm quite introverted myself. Whereas my very extrovert parents always felt quite exasperated with me!