how do you discipline your toddler and do you ever smack?

[mamaLou13]

my dd is 18.5 months old and she is becomng increasingly defiant by the day, climbing on tables etc and just ignoring warnings and any form of discipline (she has had a smack on her hand a couple of times but i absolutly hate doing it and it doesn't work anyway).
I know she's at that age where she is testing the boundries but she is a very willfull child and i am worried that she is going to be a naughty girl and i really want to make sure that she listens and does what she's told etc. Want to channel her energy into activities such as dance, swimming etc but she's abit young just yet (although we do reguarly go swimming together) don't want her going off the rails. I know this sounds abit silly but am just wondering how you discipline your children and is it effective?

You will get two camps - one who say she is just exploring the world around her and has no real concept of 'discipline' and cause and effect, or certainly none that she will remember (ie I climbed on the table yesterday, got a smack, so will not do it today) and one camp who say you are doing the right thing and that she will learn etc etc.

Personally I am in the first camp - my DD is 21 months old and likes to get up on the bench and the windowsill - why not? She cannot get up onto these things without my help, and is unlikely to do it on her own. I try to avoid and anticipate situations like this (so, I have moved some furniture around so she can't climb up to dangerous places on her own), and have to say I wouldn't smack at this age at all.

For anything really dangerous, ie she tried to touch a hot pan today when in my arms, I use 'NO! That's dangerous becuase it is hot and will burn you'. I try to avoid using No unless real danger is involved. I like Christopher Green's book Toddler Taming. Lots of other people will advise you I am too soft and am breeding danger and insolence.

Children do not have the cognitive ability to rationalise cause and effect until they are at least 2yrs but mainly by 3yrs old. The effect of trying to discipline before 2yrs will just cause anxiety for the child as they do not understand why the person they love is cross with them.
They respond to no in a different tone of voice because of the immediate effect of the change in speech but they will still not be able to fully comprehend the situation.
I would try to have a different approach to your toddler.This is not willful misbehaviour this is exploring the world and your job is to support and protect her. Keep all valuable ornaments etc out of her way and enjoy her.

The only thing I do with mine when they are babies is a firm no and then distraction.

You can't expect them to obey the rules until they are bigger.

What I would do:

Move her physically away from anything dangerous and show her something she can play with safely.

If she hits/grabs a toy from another child - remove my child from the situation, give the toy back to the child who first had it, say "no hitting/grabbing" and give her something else to play with.

Do not smack - she won't understand why you've hit her and will think hitting is acceptable behaviour.

She won't listen at 18m if she's not interested in what you are saying and that's not being defiant - they just don't register being spoken to unless they are engaged in a conversation with you.

This is a good book - www.amazon.co.uk/Positive-Discipline-Toddler--Laying-Foundation-ebook/dp/B000OVLKEA/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1330898083&sr=1-1

We have 2 1/2 year old twins.

We use 123 Magic. - basically making a request (eg play gently with that hammer, please come here) and then if they don't comply straight away, we count one ... two... (hardly ever get to three) until they do comply. If they still don't, you do the thing for them (eg take the hammer away, put them in their seat instead of letting them climb in as they like to etc). Works brilliantly for us and the boys are mostly very well behaved. This w/e for eg I haven't had to 'count' at all.

We have never ever smacked or tapped or whatever.

Really significant misdemeanours (eg biting each other, which is very rare now ) had them in the tie out chair for 2 minutes, then an apology to the injured party, then back to playing.

time out chair

I did what Bearcrumble did. Mine have grown up reasonably well behaved. My mother did the same to me and my 3 brothers. Again, we are responsible citizens.

Mine are 3 and 4, I haven actually 'punished' anything yet tbh. If they are doing something i dont want them to do i distract them, move them, or ignore them. I will say why, but I think thats more for my own piece of mind.

But I am a bit of a child myself and have a very 'why not?' attitude to things.

At your DD's age distraction (Oh look! A squirrel!) is the best tool in the parental armoury imo. That, and tactical ignoring.

When telling her not to do things, try "We don't do xxx" and remove her from the place if she is doing something dangerous. Even very little children want to do the right thing. If you withdraw attention in an obvious way (ie: turn your back on her) when she's doing something you don't want her to do, she will try to find something that will meet with your approval. As soon as she stops doing what you didn't want her to be doing, praise her for being sensible and stopping doing XXX, then suggest an activity.

All children really want is approval from their parents, and just attention if they can't get approval. Attention can be negative and they'll still want it- which makes some children do things do naughty things deliberately just to be noticed.

Smacking and shouting children soon become used to, and up the ante, and they soon no longer work, leading to escalation or total chaos.

I always tried to redirect DS when he was in "that mood" at that age. Distract, distract, distract. Most "acting out" is just testing and exploring, so being heavy handed is more likely to be confusing for your little one than anything else. I also found being playful and humorous would get DS on side more (think of it as being a bit of a snake charmer).

I've never been into punitive discipline, which doesn't mean I don't find myself threatening "there won't be any bedtime story tonight!!", now that DS is 7 and still fond of pushing boundaries. We did and still do use Positive Time Out, which when DS was small, involved removing him from a situation where he was "acting out" and going somewhere quiet together, often so he (and I!) could calm down together. I'm not into the whole "enforced isolation" thing.

As soon as DS was able to understand (and I personally think that's a lot earlier than most parents believe), I would explain things. Not being too wordy, but talking to him in a reasonable way. Showing him what "being reasonable" looks like. I often see and hear this reasonableness from him now, used against me of course: "Mama, I can see that you're angry, when you're feeling calmer, maybe we can talk about it?" AAAAAAAARRRRRGH!