DS1 (nearly 11) is really struggling with self confidence, feeling like I'm failing him - what to do ?

[josben]

DS1 is a lovely boy, really kind and caring, but he is not a boisterous or pushy boy.

He has a small group of friends he gets on well with - although he will sometimes say that he feels a bit left out in group situations as he can tend to be quite quiet. If there is 3 of them he often feels like he is a bit left out....

He is fairly bright but really stuggles with his hand writing - he uses laptop at school some of the time, when he has to write he really struggles to get his thoughts down on paper, and this gets him down a bit, (his teacher just gave him a dyslexia test and this came back negative.)

He loves watching football and has played in the local 2nd team since he was 5, but he isn't really that good and so he has decided to quit this weekend. I am happy he has made the decision as playing football is not making him happy, but its a shame in another way as its a nice sociable thing for him to do + regular exercise...

The other thing I don't think helps is that his younger brother (9) is good at most things, plays in his Football clubs first team, and seems to get lots of invitations for sleepovers. We got both boys learning an instument last sept, DD2 is making leaps and bounds with his guitar but DS1 is losing interest in his keyboard (and i specifically started it for DS1 - but was being fair in including DS2 learn an instument too!)

He starts secondary in Sept and I just want to help him feel good about himself, be confident and have good self esteem. Any ideas appreciated... TIA

Hi josben - I didn't want you to go unanswered, even if I can't be of much help. My DD has some similarities but is younger than your DS.

It does sound a bit like your DS hasn't yet found the activities he's best at. With my DD I'm trying to steer her away from team sports - not completely, but I think she may be better at solo sports like running or cycling, as she is also not boisterious and she is not very competitive or team-minded. We are also going to try the climbing wall, and some science-based activities if we can find them.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that my friend's son has just received an official diagnosis of a learning disability which, among other things, causes him to have great difficulty in writing down his thoughts on paper. There is obviously more to it than this, but it's worth pointing out that there are a great variety of LDs, not just dyslexia, and many of them can impair the ability to interpret information, verbalise information, write down information, process it, you name it. If you think there is something besides just a delay in ability, you should press for more tests if possible.

By the way, you're not failing him - though I understand why you think you are. I feel that way too sometimes. I do think this process is all part of our children figuring out who they are, though it's hard for us to watch.

Hi, I don't have any great answers - clicked on this because my DS (5) sounds so similar and I was wondering what people said! - but, I do know that my DH was probably very like this.

DH's mum has given him the most wonderful inner self-confidence even though he hated his school years. And it was just about listening to him, talking to him and valuing him. They used to spend ages chatting about real stuff - history, books, the news - while she was working around the house.

I often say I'm going to go to her for tutorials in raising a quiet, non-footballing boy.

DH found cycling and running were the sports for him, and did a lot with groups outside of school. He didn't 'shine' academically, but found his stride as an adult and has a masters and a really good job. And he has a far, far better understanding than most of his own worth and ability.

So it can be done, and it doesn't mean your (our) DS(s) have to magically find a thing they are best at. That is what I tell myself when mine comes home in tears from a football party at which he has been called useless, or a day at school in which he couldn't do the activities anyway.

I once recalled a saying that everyone has 'success' at some age and I think this is true. I look back at my dd's primary school friends and those that appeared successfully at 10/11 didn't always continue - by 16 the picture is very different.

All you can do is encourage and support - find areas that he he does enjoy, trampoling, rowing, canoeing, cycling, running ..anything that give him the sense of his own personal achievement.

What about Kempo? That's meant to be great for confidence-building, also Scouts.

But most of his self-esteem will be built through his close relationships so his family.. maybe there is book that would clarify things?
Also does he have a pet? Looking after a creature is wonderful for kids' wellbeing.

Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph, that's all about raising confident, competent boys.

Op,

"his teacher gave just him a dyslexia test and it came back negative"

Teachers can't give diagnostic tests for dyslexia, they can only give screening tests. These can't give a Yes/no answer, and the teacher/school should not be telling you he is not Dyslexic, they can only say it's less likely if he has "passed" this screening test. If you feel Dyslexia may be at the route of his problems, please push for a proper, diagnostic test.

I am Dyslexic and have a dyslexic child, from experience I know it is very possible for a bright kid with Dyslexia to develop enough coping skills to "pass" these blunt screening tests, but still have significant problems when assessed properly.

could you find a new activity that he is good at? this would help build his confidence and maybe give him a new friends network.
Does he scouts or anything like that?