Should I let my baby cry - at all?

[SalsaP]

Hi.

My baby is 10 weeks old and over the last couple of weeks he has really turned up the crying. Its driving me to the end of my tether and I'm struggling. I feel, and so does my Mum, that I have responded to his cries so instantly in the past that he has learned that this is how he gets my attention and that it always works straight away. Now I understand that crying is pretty much the only form of communication babies really have but it feels that he is either asleep or crying and I really want some strategies to try and help him to cut down how much he crys - if that's possible? I was wondering is it ok to leave him crying for a little while (5 mins approx) and will he learn from this that he cant rely on it to get my attention immediately. I have read that too much crying releases stress hormones which can be bad for their development. However, I don't know how long they have to cry for for that to happen. I really don't know whats best to do! Please help!

Sally

A 10 week old is ot being manipulative

Leaving him for 5 mins won't teach him anything at this point

Sometimes leaving a child to cry is unavoidable especially if you have more than one ...

Have you got a sling? Is he napping ok?

FWIW, I couldn't bear to leave my DD to cry - she was my second and she was carried a lot and fed to sleep (all the things you aren't 'meant' to do )

If your DS is cring a lot because of pain or over tiredness or something?

no, don't leave him to cry unless it's unavoidable as rubyslippers says, at this age he certainly won't 'learn' not to rely on it and nor should he, at this age he's supposed to be forming a bond with you not learning to be independent. he won't be this little for ages, and you are only just starting to get to know each other. as you get to know him better you will start to work out what he needs/why he's crying and it will all get easier.

You cannot spoil a 10 week old with attention or love or cuddles, really you can't.

Please don't let leave such a tiny baby to cry, all you will teach him is that even when he tries his very hardest to get you, after all crying is all he can do, you still won't come.

Babies cry, endlessly, and often it will drive you crazy, a sling might be helpful so you can get on with stuff and he can still be close to you.

Don't feel bad for it getting to you, I often used to carry mine around when they were tiny, singing very softly and gently 'Go to sleep you bastard, go to sleep you shit, or mummys going to throw you, out the fucking window' or some such, used to make me feel better.

Responding promptly to every cry at this age is the right thing to do (unless you are having a poo, then they might have to wait a sec , I'm sure you are doing a great job, remember 'This too will pass'.

There are some cultures who respond to their babies crying almost instantly and they don't suddenly notice the babies are spoilt from this so don't think you have spoilt him. Outsiders often say they never hear babies cry so they must do something right.
Babies do cry though and it is usually to tell you somehting is wrong, hunger, pain, boredom, wet nappy, tiredness. Leaving him to cry to teach him not to expect you to answer his needs won't work and will be counter productive.
He is only 10 weeks so it could be loads of things so check each thing of and if he still cries it could be teething or wind related.
Use your instincts, try and solve his distress before you start ignoring his cries.
FWIW a little crying is unavoidable and won't hurt him in the long run

Instinctively I realise leaving him to cry is no good but there are times where I just cant find a way to calm him down. He's a funny little fella because giving him cuddle so often does not work - if it was that easy I wouldn't have a problem here. When I pick him up he often goes rigid and tries to fight his way out of my arms - it's heart breaking really. I tend to put him down simply because it seems he doesnt want to be held. However, he cries either way. It's so difficult to know what to do!

Btw I tend to go through the check list of hungry, nappy, tired, boredom etc. If anything it is usually tiredness but that is because he tends to fight napping during the day despite all my attempts to sing/rock/jiggle/walk him to sleep. If he won't let himself sleep what can I do? I really do try to help him settle but he fights it. I seem to be in a constant battle with him - I'm really struggling! Did I say that already?!

I'm a first time mum and i struggled with my daughters crying for hours in the night, in the end she went through 2 stages, one would be pushing her in the buggy round the house which is boring and endless i know but it eventually worked, then she settled, and teething started, and then i couldnt find anything that worked and she was too young for any bongela etc. In the end as much as i struggled and sometimes cried because i didnt know what to do, i just had to do my best to comfort her while she cried until she eventually wore herself out. Luckily it didnt last too long though.

it sounds like he may be in pain - maybe he's going through a stage of bad wind - the going rigid and wriggling sounds like it especially if you're holding him in a position that squishes his tummy. have you tried loads of different positions - like laying him across your legs and massaging his back, or laying him on his back and drawing his knees to his chest and rocking him? all sorts. some babies like being walked around and jiggled etc etc.

ds liked being laid pretty much over my shoulder on his tummy and having his bottom firmly patted when like this.

don't leave him to cry,he really is too young to be being naughty or to learn anything at all other than distress from being left to cry. if you want to encourage him to be happy with time out of your arms then do it when he's happy not upset - have him at your side in a bouncy chair for example when he's in a content mood after a feed. but no, he won't learn comfort in his own space by being left alone crying.

well firstly he isnt manipulating you! he is a TINY baby!!

have you tried, swaddling? a sling? swing, rocking in the pram, going outside, sometimes just taking a crying baby outside is enough to calm them donw.

if he is crying because he is tired then continually trying diff things may overstimulate him and make him worse. try and see if you can spot his tired signs and then maybe try going to a quite room and lying down and patting or shusshing him, does he have a dummy, bottle or bfeed to see if that helps encourage sleep?

also white noise, turn the hoover on, lots of babies love this and it sent mine to sleep at that age.

an overtired baby will cry and be miserable, they are awful when they get overtired so thats a cycle to try and get out of, it IS really hard tho :(

i had tis with my ds, could be colic, to be honest i got to the point were i cuddled and turned the telly up!! i did find that sitting 'tummy to tummy' with him seemed to offer some comfort on occasions, he also didn't cry in the bath!! dh and i took it in turns to listen some time as well when we were about the lose the plot, we called it 'hitting the wall'

sorry 'this'

DD does the rigid arm pushing away thing when she's tired and is basically fighting it. She might have wind too. Dpi check for a burp (quick wind) then take her to somewhere quiet, hold her pointing into a boring corner then shh and rock to sleep. She'll fight it for 5-10 mins then sleep (she's 13 weeks old).

He sounds tired - they get sooooo easily tired at this age and it can be confusing because if you miss the tired signs, they seem ok for a bit then start complaining and it's hard to put them down. With DD, her awake time is about an hour before she gets tired. If I leave it too long she kicks off.

Her older brother was the same!

Babies that age rarely let themselves sleep. The world is so new and interesting.

Rocking etc to sleep is hard work because they do resist when tired.

So I stick DD in the sling and go for a walk, covering her head/eyes so she cannot see. She'll sleep in ten minutes. Other trick is do some vacuuming with her in the sling. Its easier than standing and trying to rock!

Did you have a difficult birth? If so it may be worth taking him to an osteopath/chiropractor that treats babies.

I know a lot of people think its claptrap but this really helped my DS settle down so I will always recommend it for crying babies.

Let's face if you've tried everything else then where's the harm? Do a bit of research though and try one that is recommended.

I agree with everyone else that leaving him to cry is not going to solve anything, I find it heartbreaking if my baby has to cry for any length of time, in the car etc. Babies cry for a reason.

I would leave mine to cry when I went to the loo, which could be a 5-10 mins at a time as I have IBS. DS cried a lot though, I used to have him in the sling as he got bored and hollered when he was put down .

Yes it's reasonable because you'll drive yourself insane thinking that you have to always be instantly responsive, that isn't physically possible, you have to juggle other priorities, sometimes. You're more than just a mother, you have needs too.

Do try to respond quickly to his needs, do not be afraid to get more urgent things done first.

Sorry he's crying so much :(. Do you get out much? Chatting to other people (mothers of current young babies, especially) in real life can help a lot with that kind of stress.

10 weeks is too small to be manipulative they just need you. The crying can really get to u but the quicker u respond the quicker it stops. In my experience my ds who is now 1 is not a really whiney baby because I used to go to him quickly he is secure that I will be there so he's not clingy and whingey.

Hmmmm.....I am on the fence with this.

If DD is fed, changed and burped, on her playmat (for example) and I am doing the dishes, if she cries, I tend to call out to her "Mama will be one minute, sweetie, just doing the last of the dishes". She obviously has no idea what I am saying, but can hear me, and know I am near. I finish wahat Im doing, and then go to her.

Sometimes, her hearing my voice and knowing I'm near is a good solution for her and she will stop crying. Sometimes it's not enough, but she has to wait.

If she's due a feed, been awake a while, or hasn;t had a nappy change recently, and started crying, I'd go to her straight away.

Do you have a routnie in place (even a loose one?). I have found having a basic routine in place helps me work out when she's crying what she may need.

DD is 10 weeks old too.

White noise worked for DD when she was about this age. Some of the time anyway. She also resisted being cuddled a lot of the time. A sling helped too. And sometimes nothing worked and I felt shit. I just sat on the stairs and cried myself one afternoon as she bawled. It's hard and exhausting but it does pass. Take care. X

I had twins and whilst I wanted to be able to comfort them both at the same time, this wasn't practical so they each had to cry a little (e.g. five minutes) while I tended to the other one sometimes.

I drove myself insane with this, thinking that it would damage them psychologically for life. I don't think it has (they are now 5). So in my experience five minutes or so here or there is not a drama.

That said, I don't think you will necessarily be the happiest with yourself if you are denying your instinct to pick him up. And certainly (which you aren't proposing) leaving a baby for a longer time just crying is pretty cruel.

I also had one who would stay rigid and scream rather than be cuddled. It is horrible as you feel like you aren't able to comfort them even though you are giving them your whole self in an attempt to make them feel better. It does get better - he is the most affectionate child now.

Do try a cranial osteopath if you can afford it, in case there is some sort of physical element to the pain. Also, is there a baby massage course in your area - some of the SureStart centres run these. The advice above about trying different positions is good.

And finally, could your baby be really hungry? Sounds stupid but with my first two I often couldn't believe that they could be hungry so tried other methods of settling them, but looking back I think they were probably really really hungry a lot of the time.

Have you tried swaddling, holding close to you, rocking side to side while loudly 'sshhhhhhhhhh-ing'....can be quite calming for them.

I am so relieved people aren't telling you to let him cry. A Sling was my saviour, and I think there is a lot if useful advice here

Don't deliberately leave him, he doesn't know where you are and he doesn't understand object permanence yet so if you're not in his sight and he wants you then you've ceased to exist - scary when for nine months you've been a permananent fixture in his life.

There are two things that I say always come before a baby:
my bladder - any day! No way will I wet myself for the sake of five minutes compared to the hour I could be sat breastfeeding;
safety and that could mean me, the older children or theirs. If I am cooking and would risk the pan, if the older children are doing something I need to supervise and can't stop or leave them for a few moments or if I am so worked up that it's not a good idea this moment to pick them up. I have had those moments with all of them, the crying, feeding, anger has wound me up so much that I can't cope and need a moment to let it out. I was in hospital six weeks with my youngest and one night she wouldn't settle at all and they were so strict on feeding in bed that I was really finding it hard. I put her in her cot and walked out. They sent a security guard about half an hour later to tell me she was fed and asleep.

Of course he cries for attention, that's the only way babies have to communicate. He is probably uncomfortable for some reason or unwell! Have you switched formula recently and could he have a sore tummy? Or he could be teething (at 3 months that is certainly possible- teething takes months, poor little things)?

I am firmly in the "never let a tiny baby cry" camp. You cannot spoil a tiny baby, and a little baby like yours is not manipulating you, just expressing his needs. If he is happier being carried around you may have to carry him around for a while. Do you have a sling?

One thing that really calmed DD down instantly at that sort of age was plonking her in front of the washing machine (while it's on!). Don't know why but it was instant.