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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Why does my 10 year old boy keep using shocking language at school. . . . .help!

25 replies

Tenalady · 01/03/2012 22:03

He told one of his peers that if he is naughty his Mum will take a knife to both of his wrists! Also that when he grows up he is going to be a soldier and will shoot a lady in her privates. I am shocked beyond belief, neither I or my husband are aggressive or war mongers and I havent a clue where he gets these ideas, he is in bed before the watershed and we dont have dvds above age 12 in the house. What on earth do I do with him. Worried he maybe expelled.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Flubba · 02/03/2012 06:59

He will be trying to impress his peers.

Have you tried sitting him down (with DH) and asking him to repeat the exact words he's used to your faces. And if he can't bring himself to do it, then either you or your DH say the words out to him. Ask him what exactly he meant by saying those words, then stay silent. Let him squirm and stay calm.

nooka · 02/03/2012 07:11

I'm surprised that your ds is still doing this sort of thing at 10, I would expect it more in a younger child. I assume that you are getting reports from the school? Have you gone in any spoken with his teacher about how these incidents have occurred? there might be some clue in the circumstances perhaps (it might be about keeping bad company, not being happy and lashing out, trying to impress, not being good at social clues or just plain immature silliness), If he's saying stuff to shock people then he might well be making it up as he goes along, it doesn't have to be picked up from anywhere in particular.

Flubba's ideas for having hi explain himself to you sounds good too. My ds (when he's done stupid things) hates telling us about them far more than any of the sanctions that school imposed.

missmiss · 02/03/2012 07:16

I teach boys this age. It sounds fairly standard. Yesterday one of them told me, "Help, X is murdering me! I like being murdered."

It's silliness and bravado - have a word with him about appropriate and sensible language by all means, but don't read too much into it. It's just boys.

Haggisfish · 02/03/2012 10:29

Is it possible he is seeing films/playing PS games that are age 18 at someone else's house?

Original poster

Tenalady · 02/03/2012 13:03

He is a boarder with a C of E school! (makes it worse) He loves it at the school and we hear about the odd spat but that is all normal with boys. This was brought to our attention by his Headmaster, when a child went home and repeated what he had said to his parents and they complained, arrggh! We will get a chance to see him on Saturday so will try the getting him to explain himself and what was said method then.

The mystery is where this language is coming from, we presume the school and boarding house is very careful with respect to the material they are allowed to use. I know he keeps on about the call of duty which I have denied him and I know he is cross that the boarding house doesnt allow it so there must be screening happening there. The only programmes we allow him to watch are the history programmes, never encouraged war films or violent dramas.

Thanks so much for your suggestions, will give it a try.

OP posts:

iamme43 · 03/03/2012 18:00

So he is a border so you really do not have a clue what he watches or sees.

jalopy · 03/03/2012 21:58

Perhaps he's not as happy as you think.....

rainbowinthesky · 03/03/2012 22:02

Maybe he is trying to get kicked out so he can live with is parents at 10 ffs.

QuickLookBusy · 03/03/2012 22:13

Is there a reason he is at boarding school?

Fairyloo · 03/03/2012 22:16

God check you guys out

Op is asking a reasonable question and not opinions on boarding school

scottishmummy · 03/03/2012 22:17

blag and bravado
pick up swearie words for effect
try minimise potential for impact and see how school can help you

lemniscate · 03/03/2012 22:17

Hang on a minute everyone. You don't know why he's at boarding school. OP still needs help with the problem. Boarding may or may not be part of it, and itay be worth raising it, but it's not fair to start being do just because you disapprove of boarding. Either be constructive or go find another thread.

rainbowinthesky · 03/03/2012 22:18

She has asked why he is using language like this and saying these things to other children. It would be ludicrous to ignore the fact that he is only 10 years old and in boarding school as the probable reason.

rainbowinthesky · 03/03/2012 22:18

I have no problem with boarding at an older age but not at 10.

lemniscate · 03/03/2012 22:20

Yes but you can be constructive about it and the immediate response to her mentioning boarding was dismissive rather than constructive. I'm no boarding fan, and I think OP needs to consider carefully whether this is part of the problem, but it doesn't help her when people just focus on that one thing in an obviously disparaging way.

scottishmummy · 03/03/2012 22:23

I hope you find constructive support with school
and yes at school they do kearn some ahem choice colloquialisms

Moln · 03/03/2012 22:26

He could very well heard the language from other boys in the school (what is the age range?)

Also you can't be sure what he' accessing if he's boarding. i mean sometime children can access things whilst in their monitoring parents homes.

But to say such things I don't thinl are wildly unusal. They need to be told it is not acceptable way to talk.

stleger · 03/03/2012 22:27

If he isn't exposed to 'language' at home...I'd have thought he is learning it in school, and it is highly unlikely he is alone in using it. His difficulty is that he is the one who was quoted.

Jajas · 03/03/2012 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GodisaDj · 03/03/2012 22:35

My Dp is a teacher and I've just read your post out and he has said there are a couple of reasons he might be saying these things, including:

children of that age are experimenting with language (ie they know words and link them together as they're desperate to use them)

could be for attention (most likely) to get some sort of rise. Has he got younger brothers or sisters who require more attention?

He has suggested sitting him down and tell him you need to have a serious chat and ask him what he thinks you need to chat about. If he doesn't respond, don't back him in a corner or humiliate him as he is only 10 and won't understand the magnitude of what he's said. Just monitor situation going forward. At that age they will start picking up 'naughty' words and will experiment with them.

Hope this helps

scottishmummy · 03/03/2012 22:36

good grounded advice dj

GodisaDj · 03/03/2012 22:38

Oh also it's "testerone time" hormones may be going a little twirly!

Dp has said it is fairly normal

Original poster

Tenalady · 04/03/2012 00:47

Thanks all, yes have now had time to sit and chat with him. It does appear that he is trying to be top dog. Using this language to get him noticed and sometimes encouraged by year six boys too. (11 and 12 years olds).

We have now told him that this way of speaking is not suitable and not acceptable and that until we see an improvement there will be no more treats. He seems to understand that we trying to show him that as a representative of the cathedral and his school that he should behave in a way to set an example to his friends and not try to compete to be bigger and better. Can only sit back and observe now. We have reassured the Head that we are dealing with it as best we can but feel that what was reported seems to of been embellished a little!

Its reassuring to hear other posters have had similar experiences and that at worst it is just a boy thing. Feeling a bit more relaxed about it now.

Just chuckling to myself with respect to posters regarding boarding. I too was anti boarding but since he was a chorister in our local church he has always wanted to go to chorister school which of course means they have to board, totally led by him.

Some children can do it and some cant. My son is loving every moment of it and I can assure you all, that one flicker of misery on his face would have me racing to collect him in a heart beat. (he is my one and only) so it was tougher for me than it was for him to let go.

They have great fun as choristers, all brothers together, nerf gun wars in the boarding house, housemasters setting off far alarms as a joke at one in the morning and matron dragging them from out of their duvets by their feet when they wont get up in the morning - wish I was there sometimes to join in the fun and antics lol!

So please dont get the wrong idea about boarding, some kids love it and those that dont shouldnt be there, with that i totally agree x

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/03/2012 00:57

plain ole peer pressure and bravado
not the whey face missing parents scenario others hoped for
frankly you don't need to justify boarding school

Pollyannasglad · 11/10/2012 14:14

Their childhood experience is poles apart from our own and they are exposed to language and images that we wouldn't have heard or seen until we were away from home!!!! I'm a boarding Housemistress and all I can say is that you and his house staff just have to constantly remind him that it's not ok to be offensive and that it's way cooler to do your own thing and not follow the crowd. He may already be old enough to hear that girls tend not to like boys who are potty mouths. If it's any comfort, the girls are doing it too! Yesterday we had a heated debate about what you would do if your house was broken into and we had quite sick descriptions of the violent acts that would be applied to the unfortunate burglars! We constantly battle against parents who allow their children to watch anything at all at home whilst we are restricted to U, 12 and PG rated programmes. Even if your chap isn't watching scary stuff, his friends will be and they'll be disseminating every gory details to their friends; talking about death, disease and std's happens in Years 6 and 7 too. Don't give in but don't panic just yet.

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