3.6 year old DS behaving terribly.

[MegumiEto]

This is probably just a get it off my chest type of thing, but I'm really not sure if this is normal for a 3.6 year old and I could do with some advice.

My DS is intelligent and articulate, can read and write his name, has been complimented on his imaginitive skills and is a very loving and protective big brother to my 6m old DS2. I'm very proud of him.

But his behaviour is terrible. I seem to spend all day every day telling him off for being rude, dangerous, breaking things, not listening and being defiant. He never stops climbing all over the furniture, hanging upside down, hitting and kicking me or throwing things. If we go out, he won't walk properly, just hangs off his reins or runs away from me. He has no road sense, so I've been keeping him strapped in a pushchair hoping it will get better. However, he's just learned to undo his straps and will climb out while moving.

I took DS2 to the doctor and we had a bit of a wait. DS1 rolled about on the floor and shouted "You're fat!" and "You stink!" at everyone else there. I'm a super-polite and very quiet person and I just don't know where he has got this from. I don't want to feel ashamed and embarrassed of my child when we're out. I've explained to him that this is rude and hurts and upsets other people. He tells me that he understands but it makes no difference.

He ruins everything nice we do together by being like this. I can't take him anywhere without it ending in a near-disaster or a huge meltdown. Although he has been ok at preschool, there have been a few incidents reported of him refusing to put his coat on and pushing other kids.

Bribery, ignoring the behaviour, sticker charts, time outs, naughty chairs etc have not worked. He's the only one at preschool still in a pushchair and still in nappies (although we are getting there with toilet training, a lot of his refusal to use the loo is defiance).

What do I do when he just refuses to do something? I don't want to spend my life shouting and dragging him about, it makes no difference anyway.

Please help!

I'm definitely no expert on this and I'm still struggling through life with two young children, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered. It does sound very stressful!

My DS is 5 now but was a similar age to yours when my DD was born and I noticed a definite difference in his behaviour - a lot of it was attention seeking I think and did gradually improve. Him and DD still continually bicker though!

The naughty corner worked best for us - I know you said you've tried it and it didn't, how did you use it? With us we told DS if he was doing something he shouldn't, and warned him that if he didn't stop doing something he would go into the naughty corner, then if he carried on doing it we would carry him and put him there. He would then generally run out again and carry on doing what he was doing before. So we just kept carrying him back and ignoring him. Eventually after several hundred a few times he got bored of playing up and did stay in the corner. Then we wouldn't let him come out until he'd said sorry properly and agreed to do what he should be doing rather than the naughty thing.

My DS is still very stubborn and if he really doesn't want to do something no amount of bribery or coercion will make him do it, and it can be so frustrating, but he is getting better as he gets older and more confident. We have a lot of toileting issues which I'm not sure are down to DS's defiance and wanting attention/control, but thats a whole other subject!

Could pre-school do a sticker chart or something where he gets a smiley face or a reward for putting his coat on nicely each time. I've found that things like that don't work for me but if someone else asks them to do it they're more cooperative.

My DS had a similarly "terrorist 3's" (never went through the terrible two's) - it was very hard work and draining! I also had a young baby with same age difference. I've heard that older siblings can often kick off more at the 6+mo age as their baby siblings are getting more "interesting", doing more and are getting more attention from you and others around them.

Anyway....what I found a life saver was the 123 Magic book. Don't suppose it'd work for everyone, but I found it really excellent and really worked with my DS. Basically the naughty step/time out, but you give them 3 chances to comply (not '1,2,3' but giving them a real chance to rethink their behaviour or opportunity to comply without it being more of a time-bomb explosion of counting - so you were cheeky, that's a one, then you didn't walk nicely, thats a two - careful, you'll be on a three soon and then you're on the naughty step!!! Three - on the naughty step. Big misdemenours - automatic 3's).

Key thing is not to do the old 'so why are you here, what should you do, are you listening to meeee??? NO, that's not a proper sorry!!!....grrrr...' after their time out. So they serve their time and then off they pop. Author says this is to avoid the negative spiral and to not end up 'talking to them like a little adult' cos they have short attention span anyway and it can lead to more confrontation and ill will from you or them. They get pissed off with you, so continue to play up. You get pissed off with them, so may not appreciate the seemingly few times when they are good, start expecting the bad and get more cross in general.

I found it worked really well, especially with me with another younger sibling too - as it was easy to implement, easy rules and easy to stick to. The aim is to take out the emotional part of disciplining - and it worked really well.

The only other MAJOR factor was starting school. This too SHALL pass! My DS was just ready for school and it made a huge difference to his behaviour (in a good way!). So....roll on September!

(Actually...could that be a source of stress between you? In retrospect in the year before school I thought - OMG you're starting school in X months and you're still doing this/not doing that and I worried for him and how he would manage. I don't think that helped me discipline rationally sometimes and made me push things that maybe just would sort themselves out.)

Unfortunately nothing to add but marking place as going through exactly the same and is wearing me down.

Marking my place

sounds like my ds, too.

My ds the same too! I find time out in his bedroom helps, he is always lovely (for a while) after a few minutes on his own. He may scream and shout when I first put him in there but calms down eventually. Doesn't help when I'm out the house though!

This sounds too similar to my DS behaviour! She's actually still 2 (but she started 'terrible 2s' at about 16 months! She is advanced, and to look at her you would think she should be starting school. But her behaviour has left me at the point of complete and utter break down level. I've sobbed to random strangers in Tesco while she just became so out of control I couldn't cope. Even taking her to things that are for her have started being a problem. I've always taken her everywhere but at the moment I dread any outing and it's so unlike me but I can't face the embarrassment/stress/torture/tears of going anywhere, at least it's hidden when at home! But she WILL NOT do as she is told. Defiant, vicious, short tempered the second something doesn't go her way. Some evenings (thank god) she goes to bed no problem, but it can easily take 2 hours to get her to bed (this is WITH super nanny techniques!) she wakes in the night and early in the morning and always seems crabby like she needs more sleep. I've tried 'naughty step'/chair/corner but she will not listen, I can put her back again and again and all she will do is laugh at me. Whenever we go out in public she runs away from me and I have nightmares like every day of her running out in front of a car. She has no fear! Of getting lost/can't see me/thinks I've gone off and left her. We have a good routine etc and my mum assures me in doing everything I can, but it's taking every ounce of energy out of me. Please please does anyone have any wise words or tips that have worked for them? I would appreciate any advice. I work part time but always make time to do stuff with her (colouring, playground, sticking, puzzles, books..) but her attention span is awful. Ahhhhhh %23losingtheplot