step-dad in need of help

[mynameisJoe]

Ok, let me start by saying thank you for reading my topic, even though I am a dad and although this is Mumsnet I have nowhere else to go for my problems. This place might help me out as 'mums know best'.

This is my problem.

I started a relationship with my girlfriend some 5 years ago and she has a daughter who is now 14 years old.(lets just call her Sam). Now I have a toddler who is 2 years old and I want to try my best in her upbringing but I find that Sam is a very selfish person whom I can not deal with anymore.

It is normal for a 14 year old to have so many issues? I can understand that teenages will always be teenages but Sam has many bad things.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Sam never helps around the house, not even for minor details like washing a few of her glasses or plates. She puts on makeup and leaves the sink all the time full of makeup. she spits in the sink after washing her teeth and even leaves the spit there. Sam leaves everything around, even things like her shaving blade in reach of the toddler or a glass full of water on the little table also within reach of the toddler. Sam has a cat in which she can not even be bothered to change the cats water. When Sam plays with the toddler (and she plays with the toddler because her mum sort of demands her to) she plays for 5 minutes and then just ignores the toddler and would rather just watch tv or play on her phone. Sam does not eat anything green or healthy food and when I have a go at her she gets all silly and starts with a whiny voice saying its not her fault that she doesn't like it. I mean all she eats is pasta,chips,nuggets and burgers. I hate to see her eating that way in front of the toddler as I do not want to toddler to do the same. Sam has never had any friends and it has taken her 14 years just to make a couple of friends. When asked, she says she doesn't like anybody and is always negative about everyone and thinks she's better. I have for the last 5 years tried to talk sense into Sam but when I confront her she gets all silly and uses her whiny voice and all she says is that it's not her fault. Now I have reached a stage where I can no longer deal with her and having a toddler is as we all know, a full time job. Her mum says that I should grow up and not ignore Sam, but I do not know what else to do. Sam might be a bit jealous about the toddler and also in my opinion a very spoilt child. We always insist in her to come out with us on days out or Sundays but all she says is I can't be bothered. So we are trying as a family.
Finally, I have given up on Sam but me and my girlfriend has make an appointment to see a family counselor. Am I on the wrong here?

Once again thanks for reading and god bless.

Joe

Errr yep you're in the wrong! Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear.And if the above is all you have to deal with you're getting off very lightly!

Sam's a teenager, of course she doesn't want to come outon family days out - I'm guessing you'll be going somehwere toddler-friendly, rather than around teenage girl's interests?

All your energy is focussing on your little one - but you've spent 5 years trying to talk sense into her and confronting her - no wonder she doesn't want to be involved - you're poushing her out! Poor kid.

Spend some time with her on her own, doing what she wants to do (theme park, cinema, pizza).

And listen to your wife - if she thinks you need to grow up then you do.

As the mother of a 13 year old dd and a 2 year old I know where your coming from. I think you need to relax a little though. Sam does need to help around the house more but the other stuff you just have to suck it up and accept its just part of having a teenager in the house.

I'm also a step parent but relate to your post as someone who was once a teenage girl.
She sounds normal and you need to stop 'trying to talk sense into her'. That's a rubbish approach to most teenagers, let alone one who is not actually yours as you'll just get that thrown back at you.

Back off and give her space.

I have to say that Sam sounds pretty standard for a lot of teenagers. And she's had stuff to deal with, hasn't she? I know my DD (daughter) found it very hard when I remarried and had another child - it was a big adjustment going from being the baby to not - even though, like you, there was a big age gap. How was her parents' split? Traumatic for her? Does she have a good relationship with the father? And she's gone through puberty which means your moods are all over the place, school is often shit when you're 14 - lots of pressure both socially and academically. She has a lot going on in her life and there's bound to be some reaction at home.

I think you need to stand back a bit, count to ten a lot and pick your battles. Some things are worth making a song and dance about but often there is little to be gained - you have to learn to ignore a lot. My DD's teenage years were hell - she was absolutely bloody awful - but she's a lovely young woman now. There's light at the end of the tunnel - just support your GF and be there for her.

Most of what you've said about your step-daughter seems pretty normal behaviour in teenagers, especially the mess. I'm not saying it's acceptable but there are ways of dealing with it and ways not to.

What jumps out at me is that you don't seem to have a positive relationship with her at all and you 'giving up on her' is just horrible. I think a family counselor seems like a good idea though if I was your girlfriend I'd probably have thrown in the towel by now.

I have read the above posts and I am delighted (believe you me) that I can now say that I have to try harder with my step-daughter. Having also read other people experience I am now in the focus on not giving up on my step-daughter. I will try to focus on Sam and talk and take her out to Pizza hut and see if we can inprove things. This forum has helped me and I would like to thank you all for your feedback.

Thanks people :))

Yes you're in the wrong. You're being hypercritical. What you said about her not having friends was horrible.

I think you should stop trying to improve her and look at yourself. Her behaviour isn't the problem, she's being a normal teenager.

Good for you Joe.

But remember that it's the going to Pizza Hut that could improve things and not the talking about what you see as her failings when you're at Pizza Hut. Don't talk about the problems you have with her, do some people watching together and have a laugh or do a crossword together.

The cinema might be better to start off with, no need to talk much but then you can chat about the film afterwards.

'Sam' sounds like an absolutely normal 14 year old girl.

When you say you cant deal with it anymore,what are you suggesting you are going to do?? Leave?? Sam wasnt a secret when you got with her Mother,teens are difficult.what are you going to do when your toddler is 14??

Okay teenage girls imho are very insecure, they put on 2 inches thick make up because they think they are ugly, they "don't care" because they are frightened, they do not want to be seen with parents because they are "embarrassing" (whatever kind of parents you are), with you the toddler might be even more embarrassing "in case someone thinks its hers". Also during teenage years funny things happen with the brain, they read social cues less well than your 2 year old will in a couple of years (why boys often fight so readily, they think they are being attacked).
Your DSD has had her parents split, has had a new sibling, and is still trying to cope with hormones, boys, other girls, pressures from school, pressures from everywhere.
This book should be issued to all parents of teenagers. This one is good for girl friendship problems.

My DD has decided to become a pescatarian, had a flaming row over singing practice (because she thought I said the opposite of what I did say), oh and she tidies her room (which is lovely) by donating/dumping whatever she doesn't want in her little sister's much smaller room.
Try to find things in common, be someone she can talk to; and relax toddlers do survive even being around thoughtless teens.