Toddler meltdowns & awful violence

[SpanglyGiraffe]

My soon to be 2yo DS is yet again hitting, scratching, biting, kicking and having unbelievable melt downs when he does't get his own way, and i'm tearing my hair out.

He went through a phase about 7/8 months ago, and it didn't last very long. This time round it's so much worse!

I use Time out (suggested by the Health Visitor) and that was working for a while. Now though he just laughs about it, and getting an apology out of him is like pulling teeth. I'm constantly covered in scratches and bite marks, and even though i use time out for this behaviour, within a few minutes he's doing it again.

He has also recently changed his sleeping pattern. He goes to bed at 7pm and used to sleep until 7/7:30,and then have a 2 hour nap either in the morning or afternoon. Now he's up between 4am & 6am, and refuses to nap all day.
This obviously makes his behaviour worse as he is over tired.

His Dad and i split up when he was 8 months old, and just before Christmas DS and i moved back in with my mum. He stays with his Dad every weekend, and his behaviour couldn't be anymore different. He sleeps until 7:30 am, has a long nap, doesn't have any meltdowns, and isn't violent. He goes to nursery one afternoon a week (soon to be more when i go back to work) and his behaviour is brilliant there too.

Is there anything other than time out that i can do!? I know all toddlers go through phases, and i keep telling myself that he will grow out of it. It's just awful to watch his get so out of control and angry, over silly little things. eg. wanting to help me cook dinner when i'm not cooking dinner for another hour or so. 5 minutes ago he was throwing his dolls pushchair round the room and screaming for seemingly no reason at all!

I do my best to ignore him, and let him get on with his tantrum until he's finished, but it's the violence that really gets to me. He can be so vicious. I feel completely hopeless and useless

You need to read the book 'The Incredible Years' by Carolyn Webster-Stratton. It'll sort things out, definitely. Can't do a link cos I'm on my phone but it's on amazon (and other retailers).

I think one thing that is important is not using the same terminology as you would use of an adult. A 2yo who throws a pushchair around is not vicious in the sense that a grown man who did the same would be. Violence is not the same. Language can be an insidious thing in the way it makes us see the world and it can make you feel worse about him than is really necessary.

I found what really helped was to ignore, stay calm, make sure noone got hurt, but otherwise not react and not punish for a tantrum. And once it was over it was forgotten.

Also, you need to consider that he can be restrained: you don't have to put up with being bitten or kicked (apart from that initial kick that you didn't see coming). The trick is to do it without losing your temper.

I'm not sure a 2 yo is old enough to understand the concept of 'time out' and have to say that the reason it's not effective is because he's too little for it to work. The best thing to do imo is to ignore and remove yourself from the situation. Be consistent with your approach and after a while he'll understand that the behaviour doesn't get a reaction. My niece went through a similar stage around the same age. She grew out of it after a while.

When he's at his dad's what time is his nap? Maybe ask him if he's doing anything differently and try to replicate that at home.

Thanks for all of the replies

You're right cory those aren't the right words to use. I was so tired and at the end of my tether this morning. I definitely need to concentrate on not reacting, and staying calm. This makes me sound like i fly off the handle all the time; i don't! But i do react when he's pushing me.

I will definitely sit down and talk to my exP matana and will look at other ways of handling it other than time out.

Sounds good Selks, i'll look into it!