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Does an anxious child turn into an anxious adult?

16 replies

minceorotherwise · 26/02/2012 22:12

My DS is 6 and overly anxious about a lot of things. He is having some issues at school with bullying, but mainly he is overly emotional in some of his responses and young for his year.
We are addressing this but I wondered if a child with anxiety becomes an adult with similar issues. Is it a part of their personality or just a part of growing up. Or is it how you handle it as a parent that makes the difference
Any ideas?

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TunipTheVegemal · 26/02/2012 22:16

my younger brother was an anxious child and but got increasingly chilled in his late teens and has always been very relaxed as an adult, so it definitely doesn't have to follow.

Selks · 26/02/2012 22:19

How you handle it as a parent can make a massive difference. What are you doing that is addressing it?

minceorotherwise · 26/02/2012 22:19

Oh thanks turnip. It's such a worry, he has always been such a happy child up until this last year. The incidents at school have really knocked him I think. And now everything seems to throw him

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minceorotherwise · 26/02/2012 22:20

:(

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minceorotherwise · 26/02/2012 22:22

Selks: The school have been very good and a putting some practical measures in place to build his confidence a bit. I've also got a couple of books on how to deal with worry, and how to deal with being scared (of going to bed), which we are going to read together and see how that goes

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duchesse · 26/02/2012 22:28

My DD1 was a painfully shy, nervous, insecure toddler. Her most frequent response to any question at 3, 4 and 5 was "I don't know" almost invariably followed by the answer. Now at 16 she is relaxed, confident, self-assured and optimistic. ime you need to accept that he struggles with some situations, talk him through scenarios, teach him creative ways to deal with things he finds difficult. What he needs is power, and he probably feels that he has none at the moment.

You need to ascertain the form taken by the bullying to work out whether he can in fact "handle" it alone using coping strategies. Sometimes doing things for them, however much they are finding it difficult, doesn't actually help them all that much. If the bullying is a bit of name-calling or being excluded from games, tell him that the children are being unkind but that they don't realise it, that they are too immature to realise it yet (and in truth, they are, however older/more worldly they appear to your DS). Give him strategies on how to deal with name-calling (ie not rising to it, or responses he could give that would deflect situations), and how to ask if he can join a game. If he tries this and it doesn't work (maybe try to get the school on side during this phase to observe how things are going without interfering), maybe then move on to more active adult involvement. At all times underline to him that yes, it is hard, it shouldn't happen but that he can get stronger and learn to overcome it. Tell him you love him and bolster his confidence at home a lot and make sure you ask him delicate probing questions as often as possible about what's happening at school.

If the bullying is physical or involves large gangs of children, get the school involved straight away. A child should not have to fear for their personal safety at school.

I have been there with all three of my older children in very different ways for each of them and it is heartbreaking to see them unhappy at school, but so gratifying when they learn to deal with reverses of fortune. I wish your DS luck with finding his inner confidence. He WILL!

minceorotherwise · 26/02/2012 22:32

Duchesse, what a lovely thoughtful post, thank you. Lots of really useful advice, and yes, think you are right, it is about power and the fact that he doesn't feel he has any.
Bullying hasn't got to a bad stage, just as you say he needs coping strategies on how to deal with it

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minceorotherwise · 26/02/2012 22:43

Any thoughts n how to make hm feel a bit more powerful and in control outside of school!

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minceorotherwise · 26/02/2012 22:43

That should have been a ?

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Selks · 26/02/2012 22:52

What you're doing to support him sounds really good.
Re feeling more powerful and in control out of school please don't think I'm being obtuse but I'd recommend judo...my son was an unconfident six year old who had been bullied at school. Doing judo enabled him to feel much more confident and in control, physically and mentally.

minceorotherwise · 26/02/2012 22:54

Well no, that's a good point. I did wonder about that. Maybe the way to go!

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Selks · 26/02/2012 23:21

It won't do any harm, anyway! Grin

I'm sure he'll come through this, you sound like a great mum.

Selks · 26/02/2012 23:24

Duchesse, excellent post. Smile

lingle · 27/02/2012 09:45

"it is heartbreaking to see them unhappy at school, but so gratifying when they learn to deal with reverses of fortune"

nicely put, couldn't agree more.

duchesse · 27/02/2012 09:52

I've just thought of a book you need to buy him to kick-start his confidence-building! I actually got it for my son when he went off to university but it's actually a children's book. It's a Dr Suess book called Oh, the places you'll go!. It's fab. It tackles the subject of things not going quite right in a very un-self conscious way. Can heartily recommend.

minceorotherwise · 27/02/2012 11:00

Oh? How odd, we have that book...I need to go and hunt it out !
Have also enquired regarding judo classes!
I feel much more positive today, that I have some plans in place. Poor lad broke his heart last night, not wanting to go to school.

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