How to explain this to a 3 year old.

[CoraBear]

I was thinking of posting this in bereavement but I felt that it mightn't be appropriate. I'm looking for advice or book recommendations on explaining death to my 3 year old niece.

Here's the backstory:
My wonderful SIL died shortly after her daughter's (my niece) birth so my niece has no memories of her Mum. We have always spoken about my SIL and been open and honest with my niece if she had any questions and up until now they have been fairly vague: What was her name? Do I look like her? Did she like chocolate? All the important questions for a small child!

But now that my niece has started montessori she has noticed that she is the only one without a Mum and wants to know more about where she is. I tried to explain heaven but she was highly unimpressed with that answer and told me heaven sounded stupid. I think I may have tried to explain it in a way that wasn't clear to a 3 year old.

So I'm looking for an easy way to explain the fact that her Mum isn't here but that she loves her. I want to be able to have a casual conversation with my niece about her Mum and also make it easy for her to understand. She is only 3 so it needs to be age appropriate.

Has anyone any advice? I would be so grateful for some help.

I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself in this position. My husband died when my son was 15 months so like your niece, he will have no memory of his dad.

To start with I kept a sort of diary containing general ramblings of the kind of man his dad was....how we met.....how he panicked the day he was born....his interests etc.

In relation to explaining what happened to her mum I reckon books are the way to go.
www.bookdepository.co.uk/Gordon-Goes-Greenieland-Morag-Kelly/9780956737304
www.bookdepository.co.uk/When-Someone-Very-Special-Dies-Marge-Heegaard/9780962050206
Water Bugs and Dragonfiles: Explaining Death to Young Children (Looking Up)

Good luck

Sorry last one was meant to be
www.bookdepository.co.uk/Water-Bugs-Dragonflies-Doris-Stickney/9780829816242

Thanks so much Chunkythighs. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's such a hard topic to discuss with anyone. A friend of mine is a psychologist who worked with children and she gave me the heaven explanation but I think what works with 5 year old children is not applicable to 3 year olds. And I don't want to scare my niece either, it all has to be handled so carefully.

We talk about my SIL all the time. How she loved shopping, funny things she said and there are pictures in everyone's house of her, it's never a subject that is off limits so I want to keep up the laid back attitude when it comes to her asking questions. She has never asked her Dad many questions, I seem to be getting them all at the moment and it's kind of hard to know what to say.

My niece is just very inquisitive about her Mum at the moment, for instance she has been wearing her Mum's socks to bed and playing with her handbags so I know that she is thinking about her a lot.

It's a minefield isn't it.

We have a book called When Dinosaurs Die:
www.amazon.co.uk/When-Dinosaurs-Die-Understanding-Families/dp/0316119555/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330088085&sr=8-1

I bought this for my DS when he was 5 y.old because of his interest/curiosity in the subject. There was no bereavement in our family that triggered this interest, but he kept asking when we (his Mum and Dad) will die, and was very concerned that he might be 'left on his own'. This carried on for months!..

I probably wouldn't recommend reading this book to your 3 year old niece just yet, because it's sort of a kid's reference book, a collection of facts, and is plain hard to read to a child, and even more so in one sitting. However I would recommend that you read this book to tap into age-appropriate language and ways to communicate this difficult subject to a child. Later, when your niece is older and able to read herself, she will love this book.

Hi there. Sorry to hear of your situation. Tricky. I would want to talk to the experts for advice. I do know that 3 year olds don't have much concept of death though. My DD (3.3) asked me what "dead" was yesterday and I tried to explain simply, but I could tell she didn't understand at all. My 5 year old thinks "you get old and then you die so there is more room for the new people to be born" hmmmmm... he sort of made up the last bit.

My general experience with 3 year olds- ie my DD- is they are very straightforward and will be affected mostly by how you and those around you react and feel and pick up on this. It sounds that the way you are talking about her in a happy and loving way is great and a simple explanation about her Mummy dying when she was a baby is probably best- are there some story books for kids to help them?

I think the "heaven sounds stupid" comment from your niece is not about the heaven or the explanation you gave but about her anger /sadness at not having a mum and being different from her friends.
What you are doing sounds really good for a 3 yo and for her in the long term. I would try to find a book for you to focus on how to deal with that side. i.e. It is good to be different/nobody is the same. It is normal to be angry when your parents are not here.

I agree with Tgger. May be talk to the teachers at school?

This is a lovely book...
www.amazon.co.uk/No-Matter-What-Debi-Gliori/dp/0747563314/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330095000&sr=8-1
About a little fox who wants to know if his mum will love him whatever he does.
Gets to end as "But what about when you are dead and gone, will you still love me, does love go on?" (paraphrasing slightly as not read it in a while)
they go and look at the stars and mum says she will always love him as "love like starlight never dies".

What a sad situation for you all. I second the Debi Gliori book LittleMissGreen and actually lots of stories in general- the best way to stimulate conversation I think. Some to bear in mind for when she's 10 or so (a long way down the line I know!) are the Anne of Green Gables and Emily of New Moon stories- both by L M Montgomery - wonderful escapism and both featuring lead characters whose mothers have passed away.
Sounds like the little one has a very caring auntie. x

Thank you so much for all of the replies. I'll check out those books and leave them around for her to flip through at her own pace. I have the Anne of Green Gables ones since I was small. It's funny the way her mind works, she can be nattering away about Peppa Pig and then drop a question in about her Mum and I desperately try to answer her in the same way I answer her Peppa questions. Sometimes I think she is also watching for my reaction.

I love my niece to pieces and I am aware that how we handle the situation now, is how she will come to accept the news when she gets a bit older. I don't know many people in the same boat as my family so it can be hard to get solid advice- another reason to love mumsnet.

Her teachers are aware of her situation although I have to go in to remind them about making stuff for Mother's Day (my brother says she should make it if she wants and they can bring it to the grave). It's so sad to think that she understands that her Mum is in a grave, but she likes visiting and she tells her Mum all about school and her day. When she wants to talk to her Mum when we can't get to the graveyard she either just talks out loud to her or we light a candle and the smoke carries the words up (this is her favourite, she sings Happy Birthday at the end and then blows the candle out). She really is an amazing little thing.

Thanks again for all the help.

She sounds really cute... I just wish that my sons crèche would listen to me when I say that DS should make a fathers day card......for the past two years it's been a 'nice picture' for mammy........

I think you should assert your wish chunkythighs, even get a bit arsey about it. It really bugs me when people are so concerned with doing what they are convinced is the right thing that they end up disregarding your feelings. It's so frustrating. You are an adult who makes decisions regarding your son all the time, but they think they know better on this one. Sorry for ranting, we have gotten alot of that over the past few years and it's so patronising.

The Debi Gliori book is wonderful towards the end there are the words 'love like starlight never dies'.There is also a great book called Badger's Giftts about coping with someone's death by remembering how the dead person helped/supported/loved them and also the amazing Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr.
Those are all very age appropriate.

Goodbye Mog- I remember that book, I cried reading it. I'm definitely going to get the books, even just for us to read before my niece does so that we all understand what way we're going to handle this. Thanks a mill.

Ah corabear......i just get a wee bit tired of it all. People feel uncomfortable around 'the widow'.....it may not be politically correct but I think 'they' (random people) are afraid that they will make me sad. Mentally, they think if they don't mention it, I won't be sad and my son doesn't think about his dad.....it ain't logic by my standards but hey, what can I do? I've bigger battles to fight.

I speak about his dad every day and he has pictures all over the house, I was proud to be married to him, I loved him, and my son in turn will know that he loved us too.

The crèche will do what they do ....as will I. I'm never gonna change the world, but I might make my wee corner very pretty

Chunkythighs- I think you have hit the nail on the head, people get very uncomfortable and carry on as if ignoring it is the best thing to do. People also go the other way though, my Mum's friend thinks my niece should call me "Mum" as I'm sort of the primary female in her life. That took my breath away. Sometimes there's nothing else to do but shake your head and mutter "idiot" under your breath. And then have a rant on Mumsnet! The best person to tell your husbands story is you. I like the idea of making a corner of the world pretty.

Thanks startthefan, I printed that off and will put it in her book (I have a scrapbook of stories I've printed off the internet). It's very sweet.