stepmother-why is she like this

[jbl2312]

my 2 ds go visit their dad as often as they can and like to stay over, all is ok when he is there but as soon as he goes to work (during the holidays) his new wife turns on them they are 8 and 10, i know im only taking their word for it and it may not be as bad as they say, have tried talking to the ex about it but he says nothing like what the kids describe is true.

1. she says mean things about me to them (we have never met or spoken)
2. does not allow them to watch tv (even though her children are)

3 they have to spend the day outside or in the spare bedroom, not the living room (her children are)

1. they have to eat their meals in the spare room (her children dont)
2. they are not allowed to have friends round (her children are)

these things only happen when they are alone with her, if dad is there its totally different or if her friends or family are there she is all over them, its getting to the point that they dont want to go during the holidays or stay over anymore...not sure what to do as i want them to have a good relationship with their dad

Could they be beginning to play you all off against each other? She is not their mum so naturally they may resent that and have consequently taken a dislike to her. Has she only fairly recently become part of their lives? You don't say how long your ex and her have been together. Do you know your ex's wife well/ do you speak to her? Have you ever met her? Could you speak to her directly about it? Could they be picking up from you that you don't like your ex's new wife?

Sorry for all the questions, but i think they may have a bearing on the situation.

hi, they recently married (nov) but had been living together for around a year prior, i have never met or spoken to her as this is what she requested, i have to only phone their house phone in the evening when she is there (ex has to have it on speaker phone) i do not have a problem with this, i have never said a bad word against or about either of them to anyone let alone my children, i have no idea why she is suddenly being like this and my boys are adamant that they are good there, it seems to happen as soon as my ex goes out the door, i dont want to rush in and accuse anyone of anything but i dont want this to continue making my boys unhappy and start not wanting to go see their dad

I cannot believe that you have never met her. For Christ's sake, your children are staying at her house. Why would she 'request' not to speak to you??? It sounds very dodgy to me. I would not be happy with the situation. You MUST meet her, not to 'have a go at her' but simply to build some kind of relationship with her - she is your children's stepmother. Any caring step parent would totally understand this. The situation is ridiculous... sorry, rant over, poor you for this horrible situation but seriously you HAVE to meet her.

what 2cats said x

its only recently that they have been staying overnight during the holidays as the ex moved further away, and the boys requested it, so usually they have always had their dad with them when they stayed weekends...but you are right i do need to meet/speak to this woman. off to phone the ex now...

I would do more than that, I would drop in around Lunchtime and see for myself. They are your children and your main priority.

I would encourage the boys to speak to their dad about this directly - perhaps with you so they can feel confident but they must tell it in their own words.

I'm not sure it's such a brilliant idea to have them there when it's the holidays without their dad. My DH tends to take his holidays with DSS so that we are all together. If the stepmum has extra dc's during the holidays (what ages are her dc's?) she might not be comfortable with them but there is no excuse for unpleasantness to the boys. Most step mums I know go out of their way to be kind to their step dc's.

One suggestion - do the boys have a mobile? If she is being cruel (which sounds it) then I think your ex has to know, could the boys ph/text their dad when he is out and tell what is happening i.e Dad we have asked to watch TV but are being told no. It might actual get to the root of the issue.

There is no way in hell my children would be left with a woman I has never met.

She sounds like she has 'issues' TBH. Not meeting you? Phone on loudspeaker? FFS how old is she? You need to talk to your ex.

Why are people so reluctant to believe children? I think you need to call an emergency meeting with your XH, this woman and any other concerned party (grandparents etc). Could you also contact Social Services and ask for their take on this. Your DCs do not deserve to be forced to go to someone's house and be treated like shit.

I personally wouldn't allow my DCs to go there until this has been thrashed out. She sounds like a fucking loon.