extremely shy 4 year old - possible selective mutism???

[sazzler197]

My little girl is 4 and a half and has always been a very shy little girl, very shy around strangers and won't speak to them! Since she has been at pre-school she was spaeking a little to her teachers, but one incident upset her with one of the teachers, nothing too serious but all the same it uspet her! Ever since then she has not really spoken to any of her teachers, she was also not speaking with any children but apparetly now in her 2nd year she has made some friends and is speaking and playing with some of them which is fab news! She will not however speak to any of her teachers at all, which they have spoken to me about on several occasions and i thought she would just grow out of it!! I saw a programe on tv a few weeks ago about selective mutism and it has made me wonder if she has this a little but with adults only, she will play and speak with friends fine at home but when adults are around she won't speak or will whisper in my ear!! Has anyone else experienced anything like this with their lo's? She is fine at home can speak so well and is actually very bossy in her own surroundings but at play-school she is like a different girl!! There is a lady coming in from the council tomorrow who i am meeting at the playschool to speak to me about Lily see what she can brings? Do you think i need to be doing something about this or see how she progresses, she has been like this now at play-school for over a year and she is due to start infant school in september!!

Thanks

xxx

Hey, I feel you need a response but I'm not entirely sure whether I have any info. I haven't any children like this but have met a few people who are selectively mute.
I think you are right to be wondering if you need to do anything and I think getting some advice is right. I will have a look around at my work for some info for you and get back to you. It can be quite a complex area so I don't want to spout forth before checking a few things. I am a speech therapist but work with adults so am a bit out of touch with children issues!

xx

DS2 is exactly like this ( he is also 4 and a half.) He had been at a nursery since 6mths, and only started speaking to them when he was 3. He is now in a nursery linked to the school he will(hopefully) go to, as I wanted him to form friendships with the children he would go to school with. He started in Sept, and hasnt really spoken much until recently . They taped him explaining his 'letter of the week' toy and played it to the class. They did this a couple of times. i also sent in photos of days out so he had something to talk to them about. Since then , he has started talking to them when asked. He is still very , very quiet, but there is definite progress.

He is also VERY noisy at home, and I did think about selective mutism aswell, but he does speak to other adults, and to his cm, it is mainly nursery/pre school that he is so quiet.

I hope your meeting goes well, and I would be grateful for any tips you have!!

I had a child like this in my reception class and it caused problems when trying to assess her reading. I tried everthing, mum can in and asked her to read (with me hidding around the corner to listen in) other adults, other children. In the end I realised that she was very competitive. I sat her down with a group of 3 other children and asked them to read a line each as they did I made a fuss of them and gave them a sticker, as it can round to her turn I asked her to read but put her under no pressure. After doing this each day for a week she just started to read. It took all my control not to hug her to bits.
I suggest that no pressure is put on your child but that oppounities are given and rewards attached. Just out of interest does your child talk if he/she can use a mask or dressing up clothes (using someone elses voice.)
I hope this puts your mind at rest.

My daughter never spoke a word to the adults in her pre-school and I was always being called in for the 'chat'. She was fine at home, and when she went to school we had no problems whatsoever.
When I ask her about it now- 20 years later....she says she actually didn't like some of the staff! Although they were fine with her - she didn't like the way they spoke/shouted at the more boisterous children, and she found the whole place to 'loud'. Once she was at school she thrived the quieter environment. (and even now, 20 odd years later- she curls her lips up and goes steely eyed when she sees certain people in our village!)

Hi!
I have posted about my DS1 and selective mutism and got some great replies so worth searching the archives.

DS1 didn't speak for a year at pre school and I was so worried about him starting school. He started reception in September and started whispering within a few weeks and was talking normally by Christmas.

I think it helped the teacher and TA didn't put any pressure on him to talk. They even talk him some sign language. Selective mutism as you probably know is linked to anxiety so I really think it helped they did not expect or force him to talk.

Hope this helps. If you want to PM me feel free. I was so stressed and worried about him when he started school.

Thank you all so much for your replies, it means a lot!! And yes any advice that you can find out for me Janie2 would be fantastic! It's nice to speak with people who have had similar experiences as people i speak with all have very confident children and don't really understand how i am feeling! I took her to her friends party last night (i stopped with her) and all the kids were sat on the floor and she could not even go sit with them, she just sat on the floor near me, then they all did party games, you could tell she wanted to join in but everytime i said come on lets go join in she had this look of fear in her face! I have a meeting this thursday now with a lady at the council, it is definately a confidence issue!! I came home last night after putting kids to bed and just started crying as i so want her to be happy and feel she is missing out so much, but i do know she is happy in her own little way! I really do hope once she starts infant school she will just snap out of it! xxxxx

Oh gosh I know the whole party thing. DS1 use to do that. He use to cling to me and not join in despite looking desperate to. When I could get him to join in with pass the parcel I had to unwrap it for him as he wouldn't do it.

That has got better too and now joins in normally. Although he is now at the age where I guess I should be starting to leave him at parties but he isn't ready which I understand and I'm happy to stay.

At least you have steps put in early. Talk to her teacher when the time comes and make sure they don't put pressure on her. Our teachers did a home visit which was good although DS just hid on my lap and didn't say a word.

We are lucky that we have a park next to the school which loads of the reception kids go to each day. I think this really helped his confidence with socialising with children he didn't know very well. Also we invited lots of friends over to play to help his confidence too.

Let us know how the meeting goes.

Your lo sounds so like mine, exactly the same, how old is your son? My little girl is 4. I have done what you have and she plays with her friends fine when we go over to their house (she takes about 10 mins at first though) and when they come to our house she is fine, it's when we are in public places. Same with pass the parcel at parties she can't even unwrap it! How did you go about it hun, the lady we are seeing is children with extra needs, i feel there is nothing wrong with my little girl she is very very bright at home and so confident in her own surrondings, it's like a light is switched off when she is at playschool, bless her! How is your son doing now hun is he a lot better since he started infant school?

I've PM you.

He is nearly 5.

I use to help him with pass the parcel. I was glad he was joining in and made a joke out of it.

I never got round to seeing the SENCO at the school but heard she is really good and supportive so hope the lady you are seeing is too.