What can I do to help my friend with her toddlers behaviour?

[mampam]

It's a bit of a sensitive subject for my friend. Basically we both have DD's, almost 21 months old, born on the same day. Each week we take it in turns to host a playdate at our houses.

Will refer to my friends DD as FDD to avoid confusion!! FDD snatches everything from my DD, toys, food, drinks cup etc, she pushes her off ride on toys. We had an incident at our house last week where FDD pushed DD of her ride on toy pushed her onto the floor and stamped her foot on DD's chest.

This week we were at their house and aside from the usual snatching toys, food and drinks from DD, FDD pinned DD up against the wall, at first I thought she was giving DD a forceful hug but then I saw her head shaking and basically FDD had sunk her teeth into DD's forehead (not the first biting incident). DD was understandably very, very upset. The next incident was when FDD grabbed hold of DD's hair and really pulled it. DD screamed and screamed for about 5 minutes and then went and got her coat quite obviously wanting to go home!

DD is smaller than FDD so I'm wondering if this is why she is like it with her? She tends not to be like it with older children or children the same size as her.

My friend has started to feel quite embarrassed about her daughters behaviour and doesn't quite know what to do about it. I'm not really sure what to advise her as although I've got 3DC none of them has ever behaved like this. I've said that she could possibly talk to the HV, I think she's a little reluctant to though as she said it would be "admitting that there is a problem".

My friend is also 17 wks pregnant and I worry what will happen when the new baby comes along if she doesn't nip this in the bud now..........a very stressful time for her to say the least.

I really want to help my friend and her DD and I want to make it a more pleasant experience for my DD when we see them as it's almost getting to the point where I might have to cancel our playdates.

Has anyone had any experience of this and how did they handle it?

All advice gratefully received

How does your friend react when her DD does these things? Does she try to talk to her, explain what she is doing is unkind etc.? I had a similar situation, it was horrible, but my friend acknowledged that her DS's behaviour was wrong and really told him that, which made me feel better. The worst is when the parent doesn't even seem to notice!!

Oh dear....your kids are still very young.

I think your friend needs to put in very clear boundaries tho, so her DD can learn. I think too much explanation doesn't work at this age. It might make the parents feel better but probably goes over the top of most of their heads. It has to be warning (stern voice at kids level) then punishment- eg naughty step/naughty corner plus removal of toy etc. I can see it's not much fun for your friend to have to do this on a playdate, but her DD needs to see cause and effect- if you do this, this will happen. So.... I think either she does this, both at home and outside, or personally I would stop the playdates for a while- or keep your DD by your side.

It's totally normal behaviour, albeit undesirable. I have a ds 2.5yrs and he has been through phases of behaving like this (at the moment too). Although it us hard to stop toddlers acting on their impulses (during development spikes, a part of their brain which moderates impulses is inhibited, and some kids suffer from this much more- it's nothing malicious or premeditated at this age), a bit of conditioning via tangible consequences does help. The mum should calmly take her dd away from your dd and make a big fuss of your dd, whilst ignoring her dd. Timeout sometimes helps (though not for my ds). Reinforcement and consistency is key, but it does take time and she will have regressions.

As fdd gets older and understands more, three strikes (pardon the pub) rule and we're going home might have some impact (if fdd wants to stay, that is - some kids might actually want to leave)

However, it would be such a shame for you to stop meeting up with your friend, and horribly isolating for her as a mum (believe me, I'm fed up of the negativity and judgement from other mums-it's nothing to do with poor parenting - as long as your friend attempts to deal with it) she's probably feeling shit about it too, so maybe try and make her feel better by saying something like "when you have issues like this that require more parenting, you'll be a stronger parent as a result"

Ps: why not scrap the play dates temporarily and arrange to meet in a park, or a neutral space such as a play cafe?

At the risk of stating the obvious - loads of 2 year olds are like this. She should have a chat with HV about different methods of discipline.This doesn't mean she has 'a problem' - it's just she needs to learn how to parent a more, er, challenging 2 y o.

Also - more obviousness I'm afraid - is the child sleeping and eating well? Is the child's hearing okay? Does the child have any allergies that could be making her more irritable?

My DS2 is not quite as bad as this but there was a similar child in the nursery. This child is now 1 year on very lovely and DS1 frequently remarks that X has kind hands now, X doesn't hurt any more etc. So just because friend's DD is bad now, don't let anyone label her yet- they tend to live down to their reps imo.

Ah yes, the park/diffferent space option is a good one. I remember I did this for a while with Ds and his 2/3 year old friends. Worked for everyone.

I agree with the outdoor space suggestion too. Your fdd might benefit from being able to burn off more energy outside. My 2 dc both tended to be the snatchers and both were biters too. It is absolutely heartbreaking as a mother to see your dc bite another child. Try and cut her some slack, she probably has the same worries about the new baby too. Also I find that with some friends our dc just seem to fight a lot whereas others they get along fine, and like combine said she may just grow out of it and calm down a bit.

I have absolutely no practical advice to give you but just to say that you sound like a really supportive friend and very understanding. She's lucky to have you and no doubt if the roles were reversed she would be just as supportive.

I am actually quite shocked though to be honest (and clearly very sheltered!) as I've never witnessed behaviour like that in DC so young. My DD is 2.8 and the worst that she has encountered (she is also very small for her age and one of her 'friends' of the same age is much bigger), is constantly being seen as much younger so cuddled a lot by children younger than her and they often stroke her head which REALLY irritates her.

But I've never seen any violence. Having said that, she's been with a CM as opposed to a nursery/playgroup so there are very few children. I learn so much on MN and sometimes it scares me! I imagine I've got a big shock ahead of me when DD starts school!

This is for the long term-when she moves through this phase try to forget that's what she was like. My ds was prone to hurting other children but it has now passed and I am grateful to my friends when they say how lovely he is (and he is-he's now the gentlest little thing) and don't refer back to before. Some children are like this before they can communicate properly. If dealt with properly, please stick with your friend if you can and let her feel that you're not judging her.

Hi and thank you for all your replies. I think getting out and about on our playdate is a fantastic idea . I'm going to suggest we go to our local country park where there's a toddlers indoor play area and animals that the kiddies can pet etc and as it would be my turn to host our playdate I'll provide the packed lunch.

I've also found a copy of 'Toddler Taming' which I'd forgotten about so I'll ask my friend if she wants to borrow it as there is some quite useful advice in there too.

I'm not judging my friend but I feel like I can't just sit back and watch another child behave in this manner towards my DD week after week as my DD is getting more and more upset and it's not fair on her. Hopefully I'm broaching the subject with my friend in the right way and supporting her.