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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4 yr old stressing over i love you

11 replies

weeonion · 22/02/2012 15:55

hi folks. my dd is a 4 yr old fab fun bright tornado.

Ever since she could talk she gets certain phrases into her head and repeats them. usually these are reserved for when i am going to work or bed time. they have changed over time but it seems that she gets really really stressed when we try and stop her going into one of these 'loops'. It usually goes on like this for anything up to one hour - if i was prepared o let he

her love you mum
me love you too sweetheart
her love you mum, love you , love you , love you. love you
me ok - i love you and know that you love me. no more words out loud now - sleep time.
her - NOOOOOO love you love you love you. I'll tell you i love you in the morning
love you love you love you
me ok settle down now.
her love you mum, love you , love you , love you. love you etc etc etc

if i stood and let her - she'd do it for an hour. she gets really stressed when we try and stop this. we have tried with her to find ways stop it but to no avail.

is this a usual thing??

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NoWave · 22/02/2012 16:30

I did this kind of stuff when I was a child. I've no idea if it's normal or not, but it didn't continue beyond the age of 8 or so. It made me feel secure, sort of. I do remember feeling that if I didn't do my bedtime routine "properly" then maybe my father wouldn't come home safely - he used to work away a lot.

I had all sorts of routines, verbal and physical. Drove my mother mad. (I now drive her mad by raising her grandson with no routine whatsoever!)

Glitterandglue · 22/02/2012 16:40

If she is four and fairly verbal, it might be worth trying to talk to her about what she thinks will happen if she doesn't say these things (not when she's in a loop, but when everything is calm).

Are there any things in her life which could be causing her to worry or stress? Big changes, confusing things for a four year old?

Original poster

weeonion · 22/02/2012 16:49

When we have asked what does she think will happen - she says something bad.

We have had a number of deaths in our families / close friends in the past year - especially of mothers an I know she dwells on this. Could well be linked.

thanks

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NoWave · 22/02/2012 16:56

It is almost certainly linked, poor thing. I have no specific advice, other than to look into ways of helping to reassure her, which I am sure you are doing.

Glitterandglue · 22/02/2012 17:08

That sounds like it could definitely be a culprit. Time for some (more) talks about the people who died, death itself, books on the subject? Heavy on the "it's not anyone's fault (as far as a kid needs to know), you can't prevent it, it is very very unlikely that mummy or daddy will die for years and years yet".

I'm reminded of something called worry dolls, a little set of dolls that people have in a bag and I think they go through each of their worries before bed and then put the dolls in the bag under their pillow, with the idea that the dolls keep the worries so the person can sleep? May have got that a bit wrong, but I'm wondering if you could adapt that in some way with your four year old. So she can get these fears out but in a more acceptable/less stressful way, one which isn't an hour-long repetition of love yous!

NoWave · 22/02/2012 17:27

Worry dolls are a great idea - I have used them myself. They help just by giving an opportunity to verbalise and externalise a specific concern with no particular consequence to worry about.

Can I just add - it's probably best, when speaking with her, to not focus too much (if at all) on her routines. There is a risk of turning them into problems in themselves, whereas really they are her version of a solution to a problem.

Original poster

weeonion · 22/02/2012 17:35

great advice. we are doing alot of thos ekind of things already but nowave - what you said has real;y stri=uck me. i dont want this to turn into a problem and maybe we are focusing too much on it as opposed to really trying to help her explore the background.

we already have a set of worry dolls, we got them last year when her beloved granny died.

since xmas - my grandmother has died, 2 friends mothers, 2 friends diagnosed terminally ill, sis-in-laws mum so - when i take a step back - pretty scary for a 4 yr old to be aware of.
i dont want to sheild her from death but we dont spend alot of time talking about all these other people in front of her.

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Glitterandglue · 22/02/2012 17:43

I'm actually a counsellor for children/young people (though not usually much younger than about seven, mostly teenagers) and I often talk to kids going through bereavement who want to talk about it but feel they can't because no one else does. Sometimes they want to share memories of the person that died, other times their feelings about the death itself or their worries around the whole subject. A lot of parents try to shield their kids from it with the idea that it's a sad subject and they don't want to focus on it, but the thing is that the kids already know it's sad and they're picking up on the sadness in the atmosphere, as well as their own sense of loss when it's people they knew well. They just need to know they have somewhere to verbalise what they want to and not feel that they have to keep it inside because it's 'bad' to talk about it, or to spare an adult's feelings.

Might also be worth speaking to school/nursery if she goes to see if they've picked anything up there, and if they have any sugggestions?

NoWave · 22/02/2012 17:47

That's a lot for you all to deal with.

You sound really thoughtful and concerned, and you are obviously looking out for your daughter. She's lucky to have such a mother, and with someone as "tuned in to" her as you are, she'll be fine.

I hope you're looking after yourself, too.

Glitterandglue · 22/02/2012 17:47

By the way, I didn't want that to sound a bit, er, prescriptive - I know you've said you're not trying to shield her from death but obviously it's a fine line you're treading with that much death because when your life's that short and so much has already happened it must seem like death is constant, so I can see why you don't want to be talking always about this person who died and then that person and so on. Just saying that she will have picked up on the scariness there anyway, so it's better for that to be addressed even if it seems like it's 'confirming' it - knowledge is power, etc.

It sounds like you've been doing your best with her and really well considering all you/she have had to go through recently. Hope things turn out well for you.

Original poster

weeonion · 22/02/2012 17:57

ta. It aint been too nice a time and this past year I suddenly feel i have had to grow up and deal with all. i'm only 40!!!!

when i said that we dont spend alot of time talking - we dont not talk but we are also aware that for the past while - it could easily be all her dad and i talk about. with her granny - dd was very much part of the process. I have made her a scrapbook about her gran along with her own special photo album and we look through that. we talk about her gran often and how its ok to be sad, that we miss her too and ask her how she feels.

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