Sibling trouble- how to calm the flames!

[Squeegle]

My two DCs are 9 (Dd) and 7 (ds). They have always fought, but recently it has become intolerable (for me!?!), and I'm not sure if there's a reason or is this just another phase.

They hit each other, say things like I wish you were dead, stand really near and mock each other and are generally really horrid. Often it all ends in tears, with me taking one of them and putting them in another room to separate/ punish/ calm them down.

Has anyone got similar experience? What have you done to diffuse the situation short and long term?

zero tolerance.

why do you wait for the tears? stamp it out as soon as it starts. remove whoever starts it. they need to believe you will not stand for it (anymore). at 9 and 7 it will have become a habit to relate to each other like that. not nice. at that age they are old enough to know better.

Quite right. I will not stand for it! I don't know why it's suddenly got so much worse- maybe attention seeking, but am really hoping just a phase.

I agree with the others, but I would also set them a task where they have to work together to achieve it. Just make it short and achievable. Then praise them both equally.

Do they have any time with you apart from the other one? My db and I were very like this. It's only since we were adults that we realised it was just sibling rivalry - we were each convinced the other was the favourite, so we hated them. He's younger than me, so from my pov he had stolen my parents' attention, and from his I was allowed to do more and got more privileges.

I'd recommend reading up on sibling rivalry. Honestly - it's not making them happy, either. But you do still need to stamp on any violent (including emotionally violent) behaviour. Stuff we said to each other has still left some scars, because my parents never dealt with it.

Thanks all for your ideas, they're really helpful. I think they are craving our attention as we both work almost full time, and we have to give them our attention, particularly 1-2-1. Nevertheless I think I also have to be much firmer with the boundaries! I think there's some guilt there because we recognise we are at work a lot .