What the hell do I do with dd1?

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Usual story. 4yo dd1 and 5 week old dd2. DD1 has always been...spirited shall we say. She's taken to dd2 very very well, very affectionate, loves cuddling her etc. But her own behaviour has taken a nosedive. She's loud, kicks, slams doors, answers back etc but what bugs me is that she keeps waking dd2 up. The poor baby never ever gets any decent sleep. DD1 makes a bee-line for her as soon as she sees her eyes closed. Doesn't seem to matter what I do. And I'm really making sure I spend lots of one on one time with dd1. It's obviously a reaction to the new situation but what can I do about it?

Do you sling DD2? When DS came along and DD was only 18m old, slinging DS was the only way to ensure DD still got enough attention (especially physical - loads of cuddles are necessary when they're feeling ejected from the nest) and still allow him to get some sleep.

Poor you! I feel your pain as I have a 3 year old and a 6 month-er. I have two solutions: either baby wear lo so that dd1 can't get to her easily during naps (and you can give dd1 lots of attention) - somehow my 3 yr old doesn't notice baby if he's in sling). Or put baby down in a quiet room and lead dd1 away by the hand to do some fun activity just for the two of you. Once she's engaged you might even get a few moments to yourself

have you tries reward charte?
Or having competitions to see who can be the quietest the longest?
Try.....occupying her with household chores....tidying, cooking, cleaning etc etc.
try asking her if she can read nice and quietly to the baby because you know she's so good at telling stories and the baby loves hearing her voice,
untimatly....nothing wrong with a firm telling off and time out.

DD1 is 4.3mths, DD2 is 9 months.
I'd say this is about getting your attention - we've had a few issues around this lately where DD1 was being violent towards me (out of character).
MN'ers advised me to ignore DD1 totally when she behaved badly, even when she kicked me, and guess what it worked!!

I have also summoned extra reserves of patience - I was getting snappy with DD when she was acting up being 4, and I had wriggly baby, headache & tired etc. All understandably. From somewhere I summoned these extra reserves to be totally cool & funny & engaged with DD1, whilst employing distraction tactics when necessary. Her behaviour completely turned around.
We stopped fighting/annoying each other and started laughing & engaging on a different level - and she's a different girl.

SO I would suggest ignore the bad, praise the good, get her onside "I really need your help in getting baby to sleep - we need to tip toe and be quite as mice etc etc" what I mean is make a game of it & reward her when she does well. And do it together.

my four year old smacked my 3-month old the other day cause she was crying. A low moment. I had to force myself not to belt him. Sigh

Thanks all. Glad I'm not the only one, IYSWIM.

She's very good at helping, putting her dummy back in if it falls out, fetching nappies etc. And as I said, she loves holding her, kissing and cuddling her, even if she does snog her to death/squash her.

But, on the flip side, her volume control is completely faulty, she can't say anything without it being at full, ear splitting volume, and if it's near to DD2 and wakes her or makes her jump then all the better. She kicks and hits and doesn't care who is in the way and she's got an inbuilt radar which tells her when DD2 is asleep, so she can come and wake her up.

Part of the problem is that DD2 won't be put down, so I can't put her in another room away from harm. I do have a wrap sling which I have used but I left it in the car which is parked a street away and we're not dressed today

I try so hard to play with her, have cuddles, talk to her, tell and read stories etc. I take her up to bed each night while DH has DD2 so it's our special time. Despite my best efforts I seem to spend my time saying don't do this and stop doing that, and I know that's not helping. When she's been difficult before I used to say "you can either carry on having a tantrum or you can come and have a cuddle" and 99% of the time she came for the cuddle and the tantrum was over. But cuddling now means squashing dd2 :( Argh, it's so hard!

would she understand if you say to her "dd, if you wake your sister up i need to spend more time with her and less with you. if you let her have a sleep we can do something fun"??

Maybe, it's worth a try anyway. I've had a chat with her about what a big girl she is and all the clever things she can do (toilet, get dressed, get herself a drink etc) and how little dd2 is and how she needs me to do all those things for her until she grows bigger. I've even said that if dd2 can't sleep then she won't grow (dd1 is obsessed with growing). She seems to understand all right in theory.

Sorry I'm just ranting now.