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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Biting and scratching DS. Our fault??? Guilt trip.

12 replies

brette · 26/01/2006 12:47

My 18m DS keeps biting and scratching me, he does it as well with his father but not to anyone else. I know it will probably pass and that it s not dramatic, after all he is a healthy, smiley, funny little man but I can?t fully relax for fear that he will bite/scratch? The thing is that when we tell him it hurts, he then caresses us which definitely shows that he knows what he is doing!
What I want to know is this normal behaviour at this age for a boy? Is violence part of the ?boy package?? Or is it something we do wrong? I am starting to think it is my fault. Any advice?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Twiglett · 26/01/2006 12:49

say no firmly and put him down for 90 seconds and ignore him ..do it consistently

its a game to him .. that's all .. I do this, mummy/daddy does that, I do this .. you need to break the cycle

its not violence ..its toddlerdom ..they're just exploring and expressing their new found independence

tissy · 26/01/2006 12:51

I don't think this is violence, he's not really old enough to know what he's doing... I expect he does it as he gets a reaction from you. Have you tried saying "No!" sternly, putting him down on the floor/ in his cot, then walking away?

WigWamBam · 26/01/2006 12:53

He hasn't learned true empathy yet, so can't relate to the fact that it hurts you. It's not violence, it's something he has found he can do that gets a reaction from you.

Agree with Twiglett - just say "no" firmly, and remove him from you.

albosmum · 26/01/2006 13:10

have a very similar problem with 21 month old i say no and put him down but he keeps doing it and today did it to another baby - and drew blood. I have cut his nails but he just digs into faces.
I think its my fault

albosmum · 26/01/2006 13:10

Original poster

brette · 26/01/2006 14:00

Yes I have tried the saying no firmly, putting him down...etc But maybe not constitently enough. But then I would be putting him down/away 50 times in a day. But for instance, when he is in his cot and I kiss him goodnight and he scratches my face, then what? I can't put him down, if I walk away crossed, he is not going to care or will feel rejected, I don't know. If he does it when I change his nappy, same thing, what do I do?
I know it is probably a phase but with the biting we've been saying that for almost a year now and nothing has changed...

OP posts:

blueshoes · 26/01/2006 14:35

Hi Brette,

It IS a development phase - something most toddlers go through. (BTW, Albosmum, definitely not your fault). It is not an exclusively boy thing because my dd went through the scratching/biting mummy and daddy thing around the same age. She got over that in 6 weeks. At just over 2 years, she was in the scratching/biting/hitting other children (but not mummy/daddy) phase and is now largely over that.

I think your ds just needs you to tell him it is wrong. So if he scratches, say "no, we don't scratch", and then hold on to his hands firmly and briefly kiss them, saying "we are gentle". No other obvious reaction from you so he does not get a kick from the fireworks. If he does it again when you let go, then do the same thing. If it is repeated (yes, my dd should wouldn't stop sometimes), then just put him down/walk away without any fuss.

He will get the message eventually

Aloha · 26/01/2006 14:38

It's not violence and he does not comprehend what he is doing. Put him down immediately and ignore - just as Twiglett says. At this age discipline is puppy training. If you watch that 'me or the dog' programme it is absolutely full of tips that are brilliant for toddlers.

Aloha · 26/01/2006 14:40

You put him down with no eye contact at all, and ignore for a minute or so. Don't even look at him. If it happens at night, don't respond at all. If while changing a nappy finish with no eye contact then ignore. You do have to be absolutely consistent.

Original poster

brette · 26/01/2006 14:51

Thanks for your advice and reassurance.
Deep down I know that it is a phase but sometimes I worry that we are letting things slip out of our control and that he is going to turn into a bully before our very eyes without us even realizing it.
A friend (childless and clueless about education but very good at giving advice) told me yesterday when I told him that recently DS has started developping a strong and independant mind + the biting/scratching... bla bla bla he responded: "Well, you know I firmly believe it all comes down to education" So I said "Do you imply that it is our education that makes him bite and scratch?" "Surely it has something to do with it" And I now realize that this little conversation has instilled some doubt in my little brain. I have been a victim of parental paranoia! and through a close friend!

OP posts:

Aloha · 26/01/2006 14:55

She has no children. Nuff said
He's a BABY!
be really absolutely consistent and you will see results. Be very vigilant around other children and try to stop the bite or scratch before it starts, but honestly most kids do it at some point. It means nothing.

Original poster

brette · 26/01/2006 15:24

Yes, you're right, he is a baby. Not a dragon on two legs. Or a very tiny one...

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