Why DO they do what they do???

[vigobay]

Hello there from stressville....our DS, who's 5, has been acting up these past few weeks and Me trying so hard not to get angry has started tacking it's toll (a queeze in my chest)!

When I least expect it, he's up to his tricks, and I just don't know what he's getting out of it. Favourite tricks include eating slowly at the table (might chew the same bite 40 times...I've counted) though he knows he's going to lose tv if he doesn't eat normally. Or, we're just about to go out and I tell him to get his shoes on (choice between 2: boots or runners) and he'll insist he hasn't a clue which ones to put on. I'll tell him to look at his clothes (tracksuit vs trousers) and to decide: JUST DOESN'T WANT TO...won't do it....comes down with the wrong ones on purpose, etc. Maddening, what to do?

And not to forget the no-answer answer....we say something or ask him something and he'll just mummify. Nothing. Does anyone have this going on?

Umm...

This may not be what you want to hear, and of course I don't live in your house, so don't know what really happens...

but this sounds like his reaction to being over controlled. Why are you counting his bites of food? Why does it matter? He probably neither knows nor cares which shoes to put on, even I don't care which shoes I put on.

and the no answer thing, I think all kids do that.

I don;t think he is up to any 'tricks', just being a normal 5 year old.

My dd is 4y8m and exactly the same. Eating her tea can take 45 minutes, she can't chose between two things ... it's just their age, I think.

I have taken to telling her that if she doesn't chose which shoes then I will chose - she would do anything rather than go with what I decide, so usually she choses.

With the food thing, I just let her get on with it, because threats of taking the TV or whatever away don't work. To me, it's no skin off my nose whether she eats her tea while it's nice and hot, or has it while it's cold and a skin has formed. IMO that's something not to stress about when everything else is so stressful to you.

With the refusal to talk, I generally find that's all bluff as well. If you're so desperate for them to talk to you that you badger and badger them, they know they have something that they can use against you! Feigning indifference often works for me, or just not asking in the first place how her day has been - eventually she tells me because she does want to talk to me really, but on her terms, not mine.

Hmm, the reason I know how many bites he takes at times is pure curiosity. If he's plodding along I don't even bother looking, but if he's at a stand still I peek and watch (and am amazed at times)but, I have to say I don't say anything then and there. It does bother me he's so slow which I know is to his advantage, so I try not to react openly.
Sounds controlling?

About the shoes, HE does know perfectly which with which but, he seems to want to complicate things or if not what does he get out of it?

Hmm, the reason I know how many bites he takes at times is pure curiosity. If he's plodding along I don't even bother looking, but if he's at a stand still I peek and watch (and am amazed at times)but, I have to say I don't say anything then and there. It does bother me he's so slow which I know is to his advantage, so I try not to react openly.
Sounds controlling?

About the shoes, HE does know perfectly which with which but, he seems to want to complicate things or if not what does he get out of it?

Hmm, the reason I know how many bites he takes at times is pure curiosity. If he's plodding along I don't even bother looking, but if he's at a stand still I peek and watch (and am amazed at times)but, I have to say I don't say anything then and there. It does bother me he's so slow which I know is to his advantage, so I try not to react openly.
Sounds controlling?

About the shoes, HE does know perfectly which with which but, he seems to want to complicate things or if not what does he get out of it?

Hmm, the reason I know how many bites he takes at times is pure curiosity. If he's plodding along I don't even bother looking, but if he's at a stand still I peek and watch (and am amazed at times)but, I have to say I don't say anything then and there. It does bother me he's so slow which I know is to his advantage, so I try not to react openly.
Sounds controlling?

About the shoes, HE does know perfectly which with which but, he seems to want to complicate things or if not what does he get out of it?

Hmm, the reason I know how many bites he takes at times is pure curiosity. If he's plodding along I don't even bother looking, but if he's at a stand still I peek and watch (and am amazed at times)but, I have to say I don't say anything then and there. It does bother me he's so slow which I know is to his advantage, so I try not to react openly.
Sounds controlling?

About the shoes, HE does know perfectly which with which but, he seems to want to complicate things or if not what does he get out of it?

Hmm, the reason I know how many bites he takes at times is pure curiosity. If he's plodding along I don't even bother looking, but if he's at a stand still I peek and watch (and am amazed at times)but, I have to say I don't say anything then and there. It does bother me he's so slow which I know is to his advantage, so I try not to react openly.
Sounds controlling?

About the shoes, HE does know perfectly which with which but, he seems to want to complicate things or if not what does he get out of it?

Thanks, WigWamBAn...I just sometimes am so suprised at his reactions. Can't get my heads around them sometimes.

Maybe he does know, but just doesn't care. It might be that which shoes go with which trousers isn't as important to him, a 5 year old boy, as it is to you as his mother.

Maybe he just enjoys irritating you? I honestly suggest that you stop caring ( easier said than done, I know) because he really isn't doing anything wrong.

He really isn't doing anything wrong? When he 'complicates' (lack of a better word) things the whold atmosphere changes and it's because I do care and want him to be happy that i'm worried.

I am confused as dont see what hes doing wrong either?

if he says he doesnt know which shoes to put on, why dont you just pick them up & give them to him. Its not laziness as he still has to put them on but you've taken back control

as for the eating slowly, I think lots of kids do that - mine dont so have no advice

The first time he did the shoe thing I did give him the right ones, explained about the clothes (which he loved as he's into clothes) and the second time I reminded him he had his tracksuit on or his sports clothes, whatever and that's when he started. The shoe thing doesn't worry me in particular, rather is an example of something he does, amongst many other.

I suspect the whole atmosphere changes because of your reaction to it, not his - particularly as you say it's stressing you out. His behaviour does sound really normal, from what you have said, and unless there's something else going on that you haven't mentioned I really don't think it's much to worry about.

He's 5 - and 5 year olds don't generally worry about how complicated things get for you because they have better things to worry about. He certainly won't be deliberately setting out to complicate things and screw your day up. I don't think he's doing it because he gets anything out of it - he's doing it because he's a 5 year old boy and that's what 5 year olds do.